TwentySummat and Faking It Parenthood

Furniture!

2007-07-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend we got our kitchen table and chairs, couch and loveseat, and mattress set. So now we're finally feeling like it's more of a house. We'll get our bedroom set mid-August and can't wait for that, since we have no furniture in the bedroom and clothes and things are just piled on the floor in baskets.

We'd like to get some more bookshelves and similar types of things to organize the house a bit, but we're running out of house-money and would like to keep some in savings, so for now the house will be unorganized. Plus, just found out the car needs new brakes and rotors and that will cost $450, gee great. We tried to trade it for a used Camry which is bigger and more reliable, but the people were crazy with their offer, so we just walked away. Right now we're "renting" my dad's Kia as a second car, paying that monthly payment, until we can figure out how on earth to afford a second car. The second car needs to be bigger than our Elantra to comfortably fit two carseats safely, fit a double stroller with groceries, etc, yet still be economical on gas... which isn't something you can find in an affordable car. Yikes! Not sure how we'll do it but we need to soon...

There are also the other household items that we'll need to get that we didn't necessarily need with our small apartment. More towels, washcloths, some kitchen items, a new vacuum, air purifier for my allergies, lawnmower, weedeater, etc. We're crossing fingers that maybe some people will see it as a time to get a housewarming gift so we won't have to wait much later for some things... but I'm not really expecting that.

Oh and grass, someday we'll need to plant some grass seed which is the cheapest way to go, and the best time to do it is now... but I have a feeling that won't get done until next summer maybe. I do feel a little bad that Toby won't have a nice grassy yard yet, but he does have a nice big house!

Speaking of Toby, his favorite new thing to do is either growl like a dinosaur (or like his daddy imitating a dinosaur) and stomp (Toby does this by just lifting one leg really high when walking), play in the kitchen cabinet, or sitting at our new table and pretending to laugh within a conversation he's having with invisible people. Very cute, and can all be seen at www.dropshots.com/adspencer. Enjoy!

2007-07-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Helloooooooooo.

Well we've done it - bought a house! With baby #2 on the way we had a little extra motivation and of course that worked. Now we're in our OWN home, just the three (and incubating 4) of us, probably 3-4 miles from my parents' home (and their swimming pool, ahhhh).

We closed last Friday and over the past week have moved in little by little. Our first night spent in the house, July 4, was our own independence day. Toby was with Aunt Kathy that night so Thurs night was his first night and he only threw a little fit when we tried to get him to sleep in his new room. Actually, he has two new rooms. A "big boy" room for when baby comes and hopefully we can move him into either his new toddler bed, or a borrowed crib from our friends; and the nursery, which is where he sleeps now, with the crib and changing table in there. He also has a playroom which is also the office, and 4th bedroom for his grandma when she comes over to play.

Unpacking has been interesting, since we hardly have any furniture. From our Virginia apartment survived a bookcase, desk and tv stand. Toby's rooms have furniture, the big boy room is fully furnished by DH finding a clearance sale at KMart - such a clearance that everything together - dresser, side table, toddler bed, and two toy chest/bins cost under $100 total. The toddler bed itself was $7 (which is why we got it now instead of later). We ordered furniture from Ashley furniture in town and in a week we should get the delivery of the kitchen table and chairs, couch and loveseat, and our king bed mattress and box spring... however the bedroom set we ordered won't arrive until August 18. So right now we're sleeping on an air mattress, and once the mattress comes we'll sleep on that on the floor which should be more comfortable than the air mattress. We also bought 4 lawn/patio chairs which we are using right now as our furniture, and two side tables for the living room from craigslist (but they look new and will go nicely with everything. So basically most of our unpacking, except for the kitchen and bathrooms, has been sorting into boxes - for the attic, for unpacking later once we have furniture, and what little stuff we can unpack now. We've finally finished that, and now DH is going to take all the cardboard and newspaper we used for packing to the recycling center, and I think that's it, other than a good vacuum over the floors.

Most of our stuff has been in storage for almost 2 years, since we moved down from VA, and some of it didn't survive thanks to mold. So we threw out our toaster and sandwich grill, among a few other things. Nothing too important and have since replaced the toaster. We've also realized that we need a lot more things for a house than we had for our one-bedroom apartment!

Toby has enjoyed the new house, and our unpacking mess/frenzy. He has "helped" by moving things from box to box, room to room, and rearranging what we've managed to unpack. He also loves running from room to room chatting about everything (in his own language).

Here are the pictures of our progress so far...

By the way, more molars and canines have come in, look at the set of munchers he's got now!

Unpacking and Sorting in the living room. Lots of things to go through.

Helping mummy and daddy.

More helping, also very tired but not yet wanting to nap.

The clean and unpacked Kitchen!

Well, sort of clean. The boxes and recycling.

Big Boy room!

New washer and dryer... except when on the pedastools they're too tall by 1/4 inch. Have to get a carpenter to either raise the cabinets or cut 1/4 inch off to have them underneath like they should be. Still, they're hooked up and we're using them!

Extra bathroom, the duck bathroom! The people before us had it also as a duck bathroom and left the duck decals up on the shower and toilet. The rest of the ducks are ours (should I not tell anyone most of our duck bathroom stuff was before we thought about having kids?). Need a curtain rod to hang shower curtain... and maybe some extra towels and handtowels.

Master bedroom... our air bed and tv tray side tables for the moment. I did take a picture of the other side of the room but... you don't need to see a bunch of clothes and things lying on the floor that have no place to go until August 18!

Our bathroom.. the drawers are on the bottom instead of on top of the cabinet doors, which makes things awkward, so we're looking for wire shelving or wire drawers to put inside the cabinets to put everything. Can't have me bending over to get things while pregnant and this dizzy, I won't make it back up!

Playroom/4th bedroom/office. We're going to try to make it look more bedroom-y for grandma's stay - we want her to feel as comfortable as possible so that she'll want to visit more and more!

That's all the pictures for now. We still have to put grass seed down in the yard to grow some grass, and there are lots of extra things we need to get... but we're crossing fingers that maybe a few housewarming presents would help. If not, we'll just get things little by little and eventually it will be a real home! Well, it's a real home now, but you know what I mean.

And as far as unpacking boxes that have been in storage for 2 years goes... DH just found an egg, the size of a marble, he cracked it and yes, it's an egg. What the heck kind of egg? I'm scared to know. Time to vacuum. More pictures and Toby videos at www.dropshots.com/adspencer.

Big stupid grins

2007-03-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

This morning was full of baby and toddler pictures. One of my mommy friends showed me some of her children sleeping and playing, and ex-little-boss who is in the cubicle over <--------- there showed me pictures of her brand new grandson, born a week ago today. So cute. I don't know if I ever went so ga-ga over pictures of people's children/grandchildren; but now, I just adore looking at these pictures, that remind me of my own son, and how special each child is to their loved ones. Then I get a big stupid grin on my face for most of the day.

You know that grin, the goofy one that you forget is on your face but other people notice it and wonder what on earth are you smiling about? The one that, while you walk down the hall and do that "okay look down, look down... look down... okay look up, now look down... look down.." thing when you pass someone in the hallway and notice their frown... then all of a sudden you feel a little embarrassed that you're wearing this silly stupid grin for no reason when obviously this (work) is a place to frown and look serious and important.

Yeah... that grin.

Yay for Friday, this weekend I'm going on the church women's retreat and cannot wait. Pretty much all of the ladies are older than me.. actually older than me with their own children either my age or only a few years younger - but they adore me and probably feel good that this 'young'n hip mama chick (ahem, me) wants to spend her weekend and time with them. Plus, K is coming too! I'm so excited to be able to share her with my church ladies and vice versa... also a little nervous. I hope she sees what I see in these ladies and loves them too. I know they'll love her, no doubt about that. Have a good weekend!

A Day in the life of ... Mummy!

2007-03-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I've seen a friend do this before for her daughter's baby book and have wanted to do it but have been too shy to carry a big camera around with me all the time and take pictures of everything that might seem mundane. But now that I've figured out that I can send pics from my phone straight to my photobucket account, I thought it'd be neat to try this and see how it looks... so, here's yesterday for me, in really grainy and bad pictures (all from my camera phone). Wow now that I've posted, the pics really are bad, gives me a headache. Sorry! I think I'll do it again but have to face the "Yes, I'm a dork" facts by taking random pics of my camera at work and in public, it'd be cool to do some pages like this for Toby's baby book. Sort of a "day in the life of mummy when you were a baby" thing. DH started to do a day in the life of toby but only took pics halfway through.

Sorry that the pics aren't good quality, used my camera phone and I seem to either be in the office or in the car, neither are good places to take pictures... so it's boring too. Woohoo. Leave home at 5:55am, hubby and baby are still in bed...

Interstate through Baton Rouge to the office downtown, pass up the exits for LSU...

Yay! I got here early enough to take one of the 6 spaces on the street near the front of the building where the city has yet to put parking meters. Yay for good free parking! This is the view from my car when I parked. I work in a state office building down the street from the state capitol building (shown in this pic):

My building, it's brand spankin' new. We moved from our old falling down one in August.

Walking towards my building as I cross the street. My building, DSS is on the right, DHH is on the left (health and hospitals). Up the road is various office buildings and a church.

I go through the lobby, pass the police and security guards, swipe my badge to get through to the elevators and go up to the 7th floor where my cubicle is. This is the view getting off the elevator on the 7th floor. State Library is the smaller building closest, and you've seen a pic already of the capitol. Don't think you can see it in this pic but in person, you get to see all the smog and gross lookin' clouds of yuckiness over the oil refineries and other production plants north of Baton Rouge on the Mississippi River (you can see the river a little to the left if you peek).

Cubicle Land!!! My unit's cubes are to the left, everyone else is to the right. The big open space is just weird, no other floors have it... that's a Mardi Gras tree that needs to be taken down over there. My cube is on the other side facing the window. That's my little boss's cube you can open there.

And voila, my cubicle

My desktop picture once I log in, I change it up every few days

Mmmm coffee... the mug is.. interesting, I'm not a pink heart kinda girl, but I got two of those filled with candy or something as a gift once, and they're big, so I like them for tea or coffee. I didn't take pictures of the break room where I got the coffee, I'm a coffee club member where a bunch of us put money in a pot every payday to contribute to the pots, coffee and supplies.

And breakfast. I'm not a big breakfast eater unless it's 11am and I'm having stuffed french toast at IHOP or something.

Time to read my Getting in Touch with your Inner B calendar...

The view from my window, that's the Mississippi River I-10 bridge going over connecting Baton Rouge and Plaquemines. But the fog is so thick you can't really see it.

I didn't really have pictures of me working, but I can promise you I did! And right now I have tendonitis (tennis elbow), so here's what I get to type in, not easy but ow my arm hurts!!!

11:15am Lunchtime! Time to grab my leftovers from one of the fridges in the break room down the hall.

Views from the balcony outside the break room on the 7th floor. First to the left is the Mississippi River once you look past our parking garage, to the right, just past the Dept of Revenue/Natural Resources building that the camera snapped the corner of, is our old office building that they're in the process of tearing down (they started on the side you can't see from this angle). Supposedly they will build a park there, and in the vacant parking lot where they won't allow anyone to park anymore.

3:30pm, time to go home! I managed to get a lot of work done, see my empty trays?

I'm not taking the interstate home because I have a 4pm appointment with my therapist in south Baton Rouge. So I'm going to cut across downtown and pass LSU to get to her office. Here's the old state capitol before Huey P. Long decided he needed a weird looking taller one. Picture is wonky b/c I'm driving.

And I enter through the LSU gates...

There's the stadium and natatorium.

Oops, I better stop for gas! I can't believe how much gas is now! I swear it was just $2.02 two weeks ago!!

4:10pm, aack, I'm running late, but finally, I'm turning into the drive to my therapist's office. She's in a fancy office building that I think used to be an old plantation. It looks awesome, but darn it, the pic I took of it somehow didn't make it from my phone to here. Same w/the therapist's couch pic. Sorry!

5:05pm, finally, I'm on my way home!

5:36pm, I'm home! Charlie the cat tells me that I'm late, while walking across my sister's car.

Once inside, the dogs are there to greet me first. Buddy (black) and Schatzie (white, Toby calls her Dot-chee) our standard poodles that desperately need a trip to the groomer's!

Toby just woke up from a late nap and Daddy picked him up to greet me

6pm - Dinnertime for Toby - Mmmm mac and cheese and peas and carrots and goldfish!

Topped off with yummy water! (Toby LOVES water and will not drink juice, which is fine with me!)

6:30pm - Now, bathtime for Tobester! He wants to eat the rubber duckies I think.

Now it's dinner for Mummy and Daddy. After a long day like this, and an empty fridge, it's time for some chinese (mmm sesame chicken)

7:15pm - Time to catch up on last night's The Daily Show and Colbert Report with DH while Toby plays

7:30pm - Toby has a bottle.. I'm all finished Mummy!

8pm - Toby gets the phone to call Grandma in England... no, no Toby, it's almost 2am over there!

8:20pm - Toby looks tired as he sits down, enthralled with Stephen Colbert on the tv.

8:30pm - I put Toby down for bed, and watch Tobyvision on the video monitor

9pm - I'm tired, time for me to call it a day and go to bed. Time for brushing my teeth, taking my contacts out and setting the alarm clock.

Goodnight!

Why do intelligent men do DUMB things?

2007-02-19T05:47:00.000-08:00

I know that his loved ones read this sometimes, so I try not to bring it here... but I have to do today. I just HAVE to. I need to rant about my husband's SUPER IDIOTIC LAME-BRAINED DUMBASS thing he did

- He's off work today, so last night he said he was going to have a drink, I reminded him that he was going to be getting up with Toby AND he had errands to do today, lots of them, including taking Toby to the doctor b/c the poor baby is sick with a chest cold or something awful, lots of coughing, chest congestion, crying but in a very strained voice

- He said he would be all right and he'd only have a couple of beers... so I went to bed at 9pm since I get up at 5am for work...

- What time did he come to bed reeking, just REEKING of whiskey? 4am

- That's right FOUR AM, I said, "How will you survive on 2 hours of sleep?" "Two hours?" "Um yeah, Toby gets up at 6".."I'll survive" and he turns over snoring loudly

- So I'm freaking here at work, scared that he won't wake up when Toby cries (whose voice is already strained), AND super PISSED at him for doing such a STUPID FRICKIN' FRACKIN' IDIOTIC DUMBASSED THING

- And he has to drive Toby to the dr, so he can't still be drunk...

Can I kill him? Can I JUST KILL him?!?!? URGH!

Why? Why do men do that? They can go months being intelligent, logical, rational beings, very loving and caring, winning the Dearest Husband award... and in just a matter of hours can fall down to dumbest human on earth... why do they do that? How do they do that? Is it a glitch in the Y chromosome? We need to figure that out and fix it, folks. Because it's making us wives and mothers go bald. And we're not that pretty bald. So for the sake of this earth being filled with pretty women, we need to fix the glitchy Y chromosome.

Toby, by the way is still the cutest, happiest baby out there - even while being fussy (fussy for him at least) and running fever, sore throat, hurting ears, and a cough that breaks his mother's heart. I wanted to stay home today with him, but I can't use any of my leave from work so that I can go to the UK for two weeks. So I have to depend on my husband, the FW acting that he is at the moment. Which doesn't make Mummy happy. At. All.

Anyway, hopefully by the time I'm home from work, things will be okay again... they better be! Check Toby's blog for new pics.

Just a quickie...

2007-02-12T07:03:00.001-08:00

Having a baby does all kinds of rude things to your body. You'd think it's evolution's way of creating a kangaroo pouch for humans. Maybe in a few generations it'll be there...with side and back pockets too. And straws. Don't ask.

Tap Tap Tap

2007-01-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Is this thing on?

I don't know how long it will last, but here's another attempt at starting this thing up again. So let's get out our Swiffers and dust the blog off and place your bets at when I'll abandon it again. Leaving my lovely fans (re: no one) disappointed once more.

I have a good excuse though: I'm a mommy now. Mommies don't have time to think for themselves, remember to check for toilet paper before sitting down in the bathroom, or even to use said facility in peace, so I just haven't had the time or energy to write here. There are still updates... that I need to UPdate again, at my son Toby's blog but it really doesn't say anything on what I've been doing. Not that I actually have been doing anything at all, but in case one ever wanted to pretend that Mommies were normal people too... you might believe I've had a secret life going on that you've missed out on because *sniffle*, I haven't posted here.

Speaking of mommies, and I probably will bore you on the subject of parenthood, I've become quite the mommy cyber nerd. Did you know they have online playgroups? Basically a place for moms of the kids born in the same month of the same year to post to each other about how tired they are, what IS that rash on my kid's bum, and have you SEEN the clearance deals at Target?!? It's tres exciting, really. That's where I met one of my now closest friends, K. K lives in Mississippi just over two hours from here, and DH and I have gone over a few weekends to relax and hang out at her house. My DH gets along well with her DH... in fact they're like little schoolboys hanging with their best friends, it's cute... and we have sons the same age who teach each other how to get into even more trouble.

It's great, hanging out at another new parent's house. You don't have to worry about appearances, or even feel dorky that the new exciting thing to do in your life is take a trip down Target's clearance aisles (seriously, and it IS that much fun!). Oh how I heart Target.

Anyway, I can hang at K's house in pajamas all day, no bra, hair in a ponytail and let my son terrorize her living room with her son, both either in pajamas themselves or just in a diaper as they take apart the remote control and pull speaker wires out of the wall. We'll throw a sippy of juice and graham cracker in there for them to fight over with the dogs, and everyone is happy. Good times.

This last visit though, left me rough. K got me drunk, and not just drunk, but frunk (effin' drunk). It didn't take much, two glasses of wine... but let me tell you about wine and two redneck moms dying for a good night of company thinking they'll have some class...

We went to this fancy "wine and spirits" store. You know it's fancy because they sell "spirits", not "liquor" and certainly no beer (have to stop at the gas station to get the guys' booze on the way home). We browsed the aisles of wine on these cute wooden racks with their corresponding home country's flags sitting above, and landed in the Italy section staring at what seemed to be a decent bottle of red wine. For $6.00! K says, "I've heard of this, they say it's good but fruity."
Not to be outdone, I pipe up with "Oh I like fruity! Let's try it!"

Le Sigh. First mistake, not realizing the screwtop, or that hellloooooo it's SIX bucks! Second mistake, not recognizing the name as one of the trashiest white trash drinkin' wine out there.. even in my husband's country! When it's an international sign of trashiness, you know it has to be good. Or... infamous. Let's just stick to infamous. The bottle was Lambruzco Riunite.

Yes. You read that right. Lambruzco. Lambruzco!

It tasted like a mixture of Nyquil and Welch's grape fizzy drink. Honestly. And that's a quite generous description. But we paid $6.00 and with laughing men at home, we drank the entire bottle pretending it wasn't so bad, just to avoid the embarrassment.

Two days later and K is still hungover and feeling sick. Three days later I spend the entire day in bed. I don't know if had any connection to the classy wine, but I'm going to go out on a limb and blame the wine.

Next time it will be premixed mudslides, something we can't mess up and know is good. If there ever is a next time. I bet the next weekend we spend together we'll stick with our Starbucks while walking the clearance aisles at Target.

Continuing our fight

2006-10-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

A letter to the Editor in University of California at San Diego's The Guardian from the husband of one of our alumnae sisters -
http://tinyurl.com/p48qw

Women’s Colleges Serve Valuable Purpose

Dear Editor,

As the husband of a Randolph-Macon Woman’s College (R-MWC) alumna and a once-frequent visitor to women’s colleges, I feel obliged to set the record straight and question Ms. Naraghi’s conclusions in “Casting a Wider Net” (Oct. 2) that going coed is about simple economics and her implication that women at a single-sex school are disadvantaged in the real world.

Women’s schools are neither “finishing schools” nor elitist Stepford-Wife cloisters, Hollywood’s stereotyped misconceptions a la “Mona Lisa Smile” notwithstanding. Women-only classrooms are best suited to the unique learning styles of women — often incompatible with male-oriented teaching — without the distractions of male dominance issues or sexual tension. Women who are educated without men in the classroom are arguably better prepared to compete in the real world than female coed graduates who have been socialized to accept inequality in male-dominated classrooms run by majority-male faculties (women’s colleges are much more likely to have a near-50-50 male-female faculty ratio). A recent national survey of student engagement found that women who graduate from women’s colleges are on average more successful, happier and more satisfied with their education than their coed-graduate peers.

The decision to go coed is not just about economics, and the economics do not add up. R-MWC’s endowment eclipses its peers. It has experienced steadily growing enrollment (only in the late 1960s did it see higher enrollment numbers). Its main attraction to prospective students is its academic excellence, and while few enroll just because of its single-sex nature, nearly all who graduate credit the all-women status for the college’s academic strengths.

Unfortunately, the R-MWC trustees have for years ignored criticisms of the college’s poor admissions outreach efforts and the root causes of its poor retention (such as draconian “big sister” social policies, poor administration engagement with students, slashed budgets for on-campus social events and cuts to popular academic programs). The trustees’ decision was based upon a questionable “study” they commissioned, whose pro-coed conclusion erroneously assumed continued economic support by alumnae, continued low interest in single-sex colleges, unabated competition by other women’s colleges and static admissions and retention problems, and postulated that the academic excellence which has served as the school’s main selling point would be unaffected by a coed student body (which is directly at odds with all available evidence). The R-MWC controversy continues to date (despite little ongoing press coverage) with student blockades, protests, alumnae revolts and threatened litigation.

That the New York Times saw fit to treat the subject with inexcusable superficiality in its article cited in “Casting a Wider Net” demonstrates amply that “All the news that’s fit to print” is rarely fitted to print.

Most of today’s remaining women’s colleges would agree that “casting a wider net” to include men would in fact destroy the essential identity of their schools, obliterate their uniqueness, dry up their revenues, diffuse their academic rigor and give literal meaning to that most fervent chant of the recently disenfranchised Randolph-Macon Woman’s College students and alumnae, “Better Dead Than Coed.”

— Patrick McRee

Hollywood, California

So they voted yes to coeducation

2006-09-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

But the fight isn't over yet. Anyway, wanted to share:

Looking for news on the R-MWC Board of Trustees?

Follow these simple instructions:

1) Go to http://www.google.com/news

2) Type in the word “traitors”

3) Hit enter

Am I old yet?

2006-09-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah so, sorry for not updating. I'm on a new vow to update this regularly again. Place your bets now on how long that will last. Answers on a postcard please.

Have this new job. Started as a temp and applied for a real position a week later, another week and I'm on the state's payroll in social services again, but in the IT dept. IT nerd = me. I guess. I'm not really doing the IT stuff, I'm doing purchasing, contracts, requisitions, inventory and property control. But I work with the IT nerds, and I have to admit - I like IT nerdom. It enthralls me. That is my dirty little secret for the month. Stay tuned...

Lately I've been taking a tour of doctor's offices.. not really, but I feel like I have with all of my appointments I've had to go to. My body acts like it is pregnant, every symptom that sent me to the doctor last year when I found out we were pregnant with Toby; however my body is telling every test (even blood tests) that I am not. Add to that, a very disturbing high pain in my right side that would lead me to believe would be an ovarian cyst, but it takes 3 different doctors, having blood taken 3 times and having to pee in a multitude of cups, before getting an appointment for an ultrasound to determine what the heck is going on. The ultrasound is tomorrow, the latest doctor I have seen today is stumped as to what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just fat. Maybe I'm just old. Maybe I'm old and fat. Yeah... old and fat. That's what my gp in England would have said. It was his diagnosis for everything, "You're just fat." Thanks Doc, I had no clue. So what are you thinkin', I need to lose 10-12 lbs and all is cured? (those who really know me might enjoy the sarcasm there... I hope)

And now for your favorite subject - the baby. Toby is crawling, pulling up, "singing", yelling, saying "ah ah ah ah ah babababababa duh duh duh duh da da da da da babababa ah ah ah ah ", usually while banging on something. He loves pots and pans but got bored with them fast. He enjoys more finding a cord and playing with it, "petting" the kitty (which consists of me saying over and over "No Grab, pet... No grab, pet... No grab, pet..." and the kitty being more patient than... well he's just being patient which is unkitty-like. I'd love to chat more about the Tobester who is now 9 months, but it's time to go. More later, I promise! In the meantime recent pics are: www.dropshots.com/adspencer.

Gainfully Employed

2006-06-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Just a little update - my temp $8 an hour job was the foot in the door I needed. Two weeks later and I'm on day one of a higher paying, with benefits, permanent job with these people. Granted it's still in the same agency as my last job down here, but different division. It's good though that I can just walk down the street during lunch and have lunch w/the girls from my old office. I did miss them and their good goss. By my birthday in Sept we'll all be in the same building, we move in August and they do on my birthday, so that'll be fun!

While I was pregnant I was sure I'd want to be a stay at home mom. After having Toby I thought I did then as well... 6 months later and I was dying to get out of the house and back to work. I do miss him but I don't envy my husband's job of taking care of him and the house and our pacifier business while I get rest at work. I get to have lunch, take my time and go to the bathroom when I need to, and talk to real adults about non baby stuff in non baby speak.

And the best part - I'm getting out of the house! And I have a reason to not wear pajamas all day.

I also really do appreciate my time with Toby more. I don't see it as a chore anymore. Phew.

The fun stuff is over on his blog, or here www.dropshots.com/adspencer

Hurricane Prep

2006-06-09T06:22:00.000-07:00

To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

Today is the start of hurricane season. In the coming months, you're
going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar
blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll
start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall
off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying
area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

-23 flashlights

-At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

-A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)

-A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

-$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

For all the naysayers

2006-06-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Suzie Orman called and said she had to meet the people whose financial actions shocked her so much... so we got her drunk, tied her up and threw her on a Greyhound bus headed for Lake Providence, Louisiana (welfare capital of the world). I think she might have fun there.

By the way for those keeping score:
Cost of gas to drive the truck to and from work a day - $7.56
Cost of gas to drive new car to and from work a day - $3.78
Cost of new tires on truck - $500
Estimated cost of new tires on car should we need them - $125
Percentage cheaper that oil changes will be on car rather than truck - 70%

Still have something to say? Put it on a postcard so I can frame it.

I went and took the Professional Entry Test for civil service in order to get one of the higher paying State jobs available, and passed with 30 points to spare. After applying for every job available that I could do, I went to the temp agency that placed me in the State where I was immediately hired permanently in 2003. They stuck me in a temp job, back in Social Services, but a different agency and a building 4 blocks down the street from where I used to work. It wasn't much, just sorting out a new filing system, oh the challenge. After I did what they thought would be 2 weeks of work in 2 days, the supervisors found out that I took the state PET test and passed, and almost literally jumped for joy. Apparently there is a position open in that department that they were about to start reviewing applications for, that is 2 pay scales higher than my former job in social services. They mentioned that they're already happy with me and can't wait to move me to that position and find "another temp" to do the job I was doing.

So Monday I'm supposed to bring in my test scores and state application and we'll go from there. That's the second time I've been hired from temp agency job to permanent state job within 2 days.

Speaking of working, I am loving it. Even the dreadfully boring filing, highlighting and sorting. It has been great to just get out of the house and feel like I am being useful in some way. I've spent so many years just evaluating my self-worth on my career, what type of work I was doing, and it has been so hard to shake that since becoming a Mother where my self-worth is loads higher and more important in THAT position. So being back at work has helped me progress tremendously in the happy-brain department. I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday and we're going to start trying to phase out one of the medicines in a few weeks, over about 2 months I think. Then I will only take it intermittently, like the time of month my hormones make my brain go nuts.

Also I have been making leaps and bounds with my new christian counselor. She has helped me so much more in the past 5 sessions than all of my previous 3 years of therapy combined. She's wonderful. And helping me realize that I'm not so bad myself, eh?

Anyway, I'm still not keeping this as a regular blog but had to share the news with someone. Continue to check out Toby's blog for new pictures and videos! http://tobiaspeter.blogspot.com

Something a little more fun

2006-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

I might take a little hiatus and simply post the fun stuff, on Toby's new blog http://tobiaspeter.blogspot.com/. So forget this place for a while and hang out there. It will be more fun, I promise.

Daddy they're going to win by THIS much!

2006-05-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Vote for Pete and Re-Pete in Shutterfly's photo contest - http://photocontest.shutterfly.com/action/photocontest/vote?entry=128764

New Pictures and Videos of The Boss

2006-05-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.dropshots.com/day.php?userid=113650&cdate=20060519&ctime=100744

Enjoy! Trying to practice sitting up on our own!

Need a Smile?

2006-05-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

Toby has plenty to give!!

It never ends

2006-05-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well the update on the family is that everyone is doing pretty well, Toby is doing great and Daddy is doing great. I'm just going downhill and am having a very hard time right now, but I am getting help and have wonderful support from my DH and lots of smiles from my son to help me. The parents... their take on this is to completely avoid the subject and ignore this "mental state" - which I have to say - DOES NOT HELP. Just a hug and sincere, "How are you doing?" from Mom can cure a lot, even when you're 27.

New Playmate, New Toys!

2006-04-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

The new baby must have - The Winkel, you can chew on it, never let go of it, try to drop it, but easily pick it up again before you even realize what your fingers are doing!
And it makes you look really cute doing it!

All of his new toys - Freddie the Firefly crinkly thing, a giggleball puppy, and the Winkel

Toby's first Playdate with 5 month old Carter in Mississippi - 2 weeks older yet much, much smaller. Apparently people in Mississippi are blind, when we took them both to the mall, we were getting asked, "Are they twins?". Um, yeah, different mommies, different sized babies, suuuure twins!
Toby kept trying to lean over and reach for the spoon before it could get to Carter's mouth - he thought those sweet potatoes were his for sure!

New Baby Stuff

2006-04-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

I love new baby stuff, this is the new convertible car seat we got today because Toby is outgrowing his current one at a very fast rate and it's not safe with him so big in it anymore. We were able to get the top of the line safest carseat on the market, which retails for $219, for the price of one of the cheapest not-so-safe carseats, $139! I love a great deal. This is Toby trying it out so Mummy had a new excuse to take pictures of him -

This is the recline position, doesn't he look comfy?!!?

Normal position, he loves to sit up!

Checkin' the seat out.

PPD - Continued

2006-04-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

I guess I should just jump right back into it since I left y'all hanging last night. Actually I'm pretty sure I left nobody hanging, I take so long to update this I doubt anybody tries to read it anymore.

Let's start w/the good - I had reached some sort of plateau w/my ppd and was doing wonderfully. Mommy euphoria had set in and I couldn't get enough of my snuggle bunny Toby. I was so much better that DH kept asking when I could get off the meds - b/c he doesn't understand that it's the meds keeping me on the plateau and going off them would be completely horrible. I had no anxious moments and could only focus on the positive - mostly our adorable son and this fun, fun time of him laughing, being ticklish, discovering his world w/his hands, and little milestones such as learning to twist himself around in his exersaucer or support himself on his feet (with someone holding him steady just in case). I couldn't believe how much better things had gotten and when I looked back on the first three months it is as if I wasn't even there. The entire time is a fog to me, as if it was simply someone's nightmare and I was merely a character. I feel as though I missed out on Toby's first few months of life and I find myself going back to pictures of his birth and those first three months trying to recreate the memories in a happy way. The best feelings are when I look at pictures of his birthday and I can feel all this sudden love fill me all over and I finally know just how that cheesy expression "heart swells with pride" really fits. This little boy is my whole world and I am ever so grateful for that.

It was about two weeks ago when I started to feel the depression again. It began with a simply moody day, moody enough for DH to point out and ask why I was so moody. I had no idea and guessed it was probably just hormones during that time of the month maybe. Later that day I started to be anxious about taking care of Toby, and became less and less confident in my mommy skills. Then the straw broke the camel's back when a small criticism on my mommying from DH sent me over the edge. I had never cut myself before, but never have I felt the urge so strongly then. I tried to just cry it out first, behind Toby while he sat and watched Sesame Street in his rocker chair. My cries were more like sobs and then sobbing hiccups that turned into a bad headache. DH had no clue. He was in and out of the house as he was working to help with some of the Katrina damage (the company said they'd pay him to do some of it since they can't find enough workers).

I knew I was spiraling out of control but it was like those times when I was about to go off a diet and although I was fully aware, I couldn't stop myself. I saw the road ahead and barrelled through it. Sometimes that is the only way I can get by, barrelling through. I put Toby down in the crib and turned on his mobile, I didn't want him to notice anything wrong w/mummy, and the thought of that just made everything worse. "Toby has a psycho mummy" kept going through my head and it acted like an anvil pushing down harder on my self-loathing. It soon turned into "Toby has a psycho horrible so not worth being here mummy and deserves better".

I did what I have done before and didn't really have plans of going any further - because this was the furthest I have ever gone - I tried to pry a razor blade free of my pink disposable razor with intentions to make small cuts on my leg in order to feel and see this horrible pain I was feeling inside. I had never gotten further than attempting to get the blade free and last time I was at the psychiatrist's office and told her so - she said that she didn't think I'd go any further than that anyway. Well this time I did. Imagine my surprise when the blade popped free - I actually got excited and quickly searched the floor for the blade that popped out. As soon as I found it I sat down thinking, "Now what?" This was new territory for me, not a place I had expected to be yet I felt such the desire to be there. I put the razor to the inside of my thigh on my right leg and started to cut... but it wouldn't cut. I saw no blood even though I definitely felt pain and got very frustrated. It made me try to cut even more, harder and longer each time, but no blood. I finally gave up, put the razor aside in the drawer in the bathroom for future use and tried to lie down to calm myself down. My rational self was slowly returning...

But the irrational me wasn't ready to give up. I immediately remembered those syringes I had leftover from having to give myself insulin when I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes. I searched the house for the box of syringes but for some reason they were missing - was someone thinking ahead and one step ahead of me? I looked in a drawer where I used to keep a fresh morning syringe for that morning insulin right when I woke up and voila - I found a clean, unused syringe still in its package.

Back to the bathroom and my inner thigh, and the same thing happened. I kept cutting and cutting straight lines and nothing would show. I finally gave up, DH had walked in by then narrowly missing my attempts and I asked him to take Toby w/him to the store so I could take some of my anxiety medication and take a nap.

It wasn't until after my nap that I realized my cutting worked and I did make bleeding marks on my leg, and finally the relief came. It was like a rise of relief I used to feel after lighting that first cigarette out of the pack. The punishment to myself, the pain I wanted to see on the outside - was visible. All was okay, and I wanted to do it again.

I felt so ashamed of what I had done that I didn't tell anybody and tried my best to keep DH from seeing it. Finally a few days later I had the urge to reach out to him for help since I still felt like doing it again and showed my leg to him and told him that it wasn't anytime soon that I could go off my meds.

Then I began to feel a little better. Confessing to DH made things a little more open and he knew I was a bit too fragile for simple criticisms on my parenting style. But then again a few more days later he went to New Orleans to work, spending nights there to save on gas and my anxieties and worries got the best of me again. This time the straw that broke it all was done by my mom with a simple criticism. She tried to immediately take it back and change what she had said but it was too late. That was all I needed for an excuse to cut myself again. This time I did it deeper and on my other leg. And that wasn't enough so I did it on my arm too. The arm was too painful, so I'm a bit glad about that - maybe I won't do it next time.

In between, I did call the psychiatrist and left a message. Usually she responds within 48 hours but I haven't heard from her since. I went to my church ladies' prayer group meeting that meets every Tuesday and confessed to them so that they could pray for me, and one of the ladies set me up an appointment with a great therapist who works on a sliding scale so I wouldn't worry about how much money I'd be owing her. I see her Wednesday.

I have had the urge to cut pretty much every hour on the hour since then. I have the urge to google search cutting and get tips from people who do it all the time. I feel like I've discovered a completely new vice and the only distraction is eating chocolate and peanut butter m&m's. I know the eating for comfort isn't going to help but honestly, it seems a tad healthier than cutting, doesn't it?

So that's where I have been. In my own personal mommy hell full of hormones, irrational thinking pretending to be rational, and not quite in the company of people who are able to understand just how to deal with it and me. What makes it the worst I think is that I am almost 5 months postpartum. I should be better by now - yet everything I've read on the subject shows that relapses around now are common - but try to get everyone who loves you and thinks you're completely better and need to just quit the medication to understand that.

The next few days I will be in a difficult test. Both DH and my mom are working so I will be alone with Toby. I have a sister who claims she'll help out but keeps making excuses the day of and never shows up. That doesn't help. Plus she seems to think it is the medicine making me worse - and I can't tell you just how much the frustration balloons when someone just can't understand the chemistry of it all and how and WHY you NEED the medicine to help you. I'm sure I have people just shaking their head at this thinking, "yeah right, she needs to be off those meds" and I hope they never find out what might happen if I were off of them. Just trust me okay? I've been there, I am there, and this is my crazy brain we're talking about here. Mmmkay?

So far I'm halfway into day 1 of Toby by myself since this all happened, and it has been okay I suppose. The hardest part is night when DH comes home and is too exhausted to take Toby and give me a good break and he goes straight to bed. It makes me feel as though I'm the only one here to take care of them and the pressure from that is insane, it makes me insane. It has made me resent his job and sometimes him even though he is probably the most wonderful husband and daddy in the world (and anyone who knows him can attest to that).

Anyway, I'll put a stop to this post for now. I hope that in a few days I can post that things are better, and that I'm back on the happy plateau, because that's what Toby deserves - a normal happy Mummy.

Postpartum Depression - The NeverEnding Story

2006-04-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I still have it. Bad. So bad that I've been too ashamed to tell anybody, but I have visible scars now on my arm and legs so I can't hide it anymore.

Not sure how to break into this. So... yes, I'm a crazy woman. And it kills me, KILLS me that someday Toby might know that his mummy is crazy, certifiably crazy. That thought alone just makes me worse and me crazier - I just can't win.

And I hate to do a to be continued, but it is late and since Toby is asleep I better go to sleep too. I'll come back and finish this tomorrow hopefully if I have time - here's the summary - I have relapsed pretty bad and started cutting myself, DH is hardly home b/c of working in New Orleans so I have to suck it up and make sure Toby is taken care of and it just beats me up more - BUT I start to see a new therapist (who I know from church retreats) on Wednesday and plan to go visit my relatives in Mississippi this weekend which usually makes me happy.

Goodnight and I'll fill you in on the miserable details later. OH, by the way we're not sick anymore - well not physically, just my mental illness!

He Has Toes!

2006-04-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Here are a few recent pics of The Boss! He discovered he has toes, but isn't too interested in them quite yet.

What ARE these things?

That Tickles!

NOT ready to go to bed but in his comfy pajamas ready to celebrate the new baseball season!

and napping in the pack n play today

Still have pneumonia but look who's still cute

2006-03-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

Tuckered out after the photo shoot with his "hug me" best friend.

Hangin' out with dad supporting their team!

I love this little guy (and the big one too).

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2006-03-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well he's not Irish but looks cute in green anyway!

Hope y'all are well, I'm sick and taking care of Toby by myself today, I hope he doesn't get it. So far he has been nothing but a happy talkative baby - which is great but would be better if he were a happy talkative baby that NAPPED! Enjoy the pictures

Toby Needs This

2006-03-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

Don't you think?

www.cafepress.com

Such a strong baby!

2006-03-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

"Trouble Little Geezer" courtesy of Aunty Linda!
Is this like Daddy's beer belly?

Toby's godfather Chandler, our friend Father Vic, and well you know the rest.

This church thing ain't so bad, but they won't let me drink the wine!
Mummy put that camera down, I'm busy!

Hey get me out of this crib so I can get somewhere!

Long time no... something

2006-03-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

I tried something different this time, enjoy the pictures, it'll help you get through the boring stuff.

Can you believe he's 3 months' old already?!? The thought makes me so sad. Because of the postpartum depression having me in such a fog, I feel like I've lost two months' of his life that I'll never get back. Granted it's the two months that people say are the most boring, but it would have been nice for me to remember it - and have fond memories of it. It's all a fog to me. I know I was there, got the t-shirt and medical bills, but what happened?

So let's start with the good... no great! news - I'm almost better from the ppd. Almost as in - I have finally reached that euphoria of love-my-son-so-much-itis that all the moms told me I'd have from the beginning. I'm having these milestones that only really mean something to me but I'm making mental still pictures of them. Milestones such as - looking at my son got an actual genuine from the joy-filled heart smile out of me. No faking it, no anxiety, panic or 'I wish I could love you' thoughts. And not only that, for two days I have taken care of Toby all on my own while Pete went to work. That is something that would have never been able to happen the first few months, but now - it's old hat.

Granted, I don't want everyone to get overconfident about this and think that I'm officially healed and will never have a bad moment again - b/c that kind of thinking just makes me feel all the worse when I do have a bad moment. And I do have them, but now it is once a week instead of once every 15 minutes. Only two anxiety attacks and breakdowns in the past two weeks - can you believe it?!? I'm on the drugs that they give people who are institutionalized, but hey, whatever works to make me love my son, I'll take it.

Now for the stuff you missed - condensed version. Pete did go back to work for a few days, working on a schedule so that it was a day my mom wasn't working - so I wouldn't be alone. It helped me to have that backup plan, so my anxiety wouldn't get out of hand. Day one - worked fine. Day two - really dodgy, Day three - out of control back in the bathroom trying to pry a razor blade from my Venus razor just for a little cut, to make myself feel better. (Note - I have never done anything so stupid ever, and was stopped before I did it this time, but never in my life did it seem so *rational* to do it).

Two more trips to the psychiatrist, one to the kooky therapist, an increase in the drugs, and I'm back on track. Pete quits his job since I just couldn't handle it and we decide that even though the psychiatrist hasn't cleared me for work, it was time I started looking for a job so Pete could stay at home with Toby - which was our original plan before we were even pregnant.

Yeah, that job search didn't pan out. Who wants to hire a college graduate when you can get a high school grad for $8 an hour? The money situation just kept getting more dire and dire, we got on WIC, got on Food Stamps, applied to get Toby on medicaid, and continued to file for the unemployment that I still haven't received since September (long story, basically the office that handles this is run by monkeys, and not even intelligent ones at that).

So we had a test run. Pete worked for a contractor who was "fixing" our house (ahem, still not fixed) so he was able to do some work while at home in case I needed him. That day went so well we tried another, and I did great! Tried another, and had another great day until the evening when another breakdown came - but it wasn't as bad and I got through it. It was horrible. But I got through it. So today was the second day completely without him and I think we did pretty good.

I do have to tell the secret though. The secret to my success was that Pete and I went to visit some church friends of ours who had 10 week old triplet boys and an almost 2 year old son. We went over to drop off Toby's old clothes that he outgrew so quickly and a few things we didn't use that they probably could. We ended up staying the entire afternoon and most of the night, helping them feed and just hold and take care of the triplets while Toby chilled out in a bouncer seat 'talking' to the not-yet 2 year old. It was our anniversary and we had a great time being super parents and talking to other real parents who were facing the same things we were and more. They bought us take out for dinner and we ate while each holding a baby, watched 'Deal or No deal' on mute on tv and talked about parenthood.

What was so wonderful about that night was that I got to see how they handle a 2 year old and 3 triplets. These triplets were 10 weeks old but that day was their actual due date so they were basically just born (all still smaller than Toby was at birth!). One of them would start to fuss and I'd get up to take him and his mom would say "he's okay" and we'd wait and he'd be fine. It was good I got to see that, because it made me much more relaxed with Toby. It won't be the end of the world if he has to fuss a few minutes before I can get to him - and twice he has fallen asleep before I even got there! So our 4th wedding anniversary was spent holding babies and learning a great life lesson.

Now for the good stuff - here's our pride and joy at 3 months' old:

Toby at 8 weeks

2006-01-30T16:38:00.000-08:00

I just love watching my two loves together. I hope Toby will learn someday just how wonderful a father his Daddy is. Not all kids are that lucky.

He can't wear that shirt anymore, he's too tall for it, or at least, his torso is too long. He still loves his changing table!

Here are some more clothes he'll outgrow soon. The shirt is 3-6 months and will probably fit a little longer, but the trousers aren't going to fit pretty soon. The booties he is wearing were made by a friend, aren't they cool?!?

Mommy Brain, Mommy Time

2006-01-30T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, just wanted to say that I've been reading your emails and thinking of y'all. I'm sorry I'm not great at emailing back or phoning you back, things are just a bit busy around here. I don't know how people with an infant and a toddler at the same time do it - especially those w/two toddlers or even more children! Does it get easier or do you forget how hard it was until you're facing it again? I'm sure w/out the ppd it might not be so bad, so maybe that is part of my problem.

Speaking of, the ppd is getting much better. I was at a terrible point about two weeks ago and I had to call the psych on her emergency cell phone b/c I was *this* close to doing something really stupid, and although part of my brain knew it was irrational and stupid, the other part was telling me to do it - it was the craziest thing I never want to relive. I went in to see her the next day and she kept telling me how severe the depression had gotten, that I was in no way in any shape to return to work yet, that the birth control pills might make it worse or help - but nothing in between b/c my biggest problem is my brain's super sensitivity to hormonal changes (I did go through a depression in the first trimester as well, but nothing like this). She put me on an antipsychotic medication they give to schizos and people in postpartum psychosis - and told me not to look it up b/c it'd just scare me (of course that's the first thing I did), but that I was on a very low dose and the real crazies get up to 800 mg (I was on 25). That combined with an increase in the prozac really seemed to help, and I saw her again two weeks later. She said I was at 60%, and she doesn't want me to go to work until I'm at least 90 b/c any stress I encounter at work may set me all the way back, but I am improving.

We doubled the nighttime anxiety med and ever since then I feel like a whole new person. I have had entire good days of actually feeling the love for Toby that I first felt the first 3 days (the ppd seemed to hit at the end of the third day where I feel like I turned into a different person and haven't been the same since). I want to cuddle him now, I can look at him and *want* to touch him, and all that love that I felt as soon as I heard him crying in the OR, it's all back. Of course it still comes and goes, but it is staying longer, and I haven't been able to feel those loving feelings since day 3, so that is a huge improvement.

Thursday Toby goes for his 2 month checkup, I'm going to ask if he needs his tongue clipped, I think it may be too attached and that may be why he never really latched on? And I think he has reflux. Sigh. We did get WIC and they pay for Alimentum, which we have been giving him the past week... I see no difference from that and the Gentlease that is positive enough to like the Alimentum. We're still saving the coupons and stocking up on Gentlease... and *whisper* in a way exchanging some of the Alimentum for Gentlease, some of it at least. I still think he is best on the Gentlease, and in another month he may be able to tolerate the regular Enfamil a lot better - he takes it well in the daytime but he has been extra fussy this past week so I have held off giving it to him.

I just filled up two boxes of Toby's 0-3 month clothes to take to the triplets' home. They all came home last week, I have no idea how those parents can cope with that and their other son who I think is maybe 2 or even younger. Some of the stuff is so cute I'm having trouble parting with it even though Toby won't fit into it anymore. I keep thinking "my next son could wear this" then I remember that I don't want that extra baby anytime soon!

Speaking of mommy brain and mommy time, I'm rambling too much and need to go check on Toby. Hugs to everyone!

Toby 6 weeks

2006-01-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

Updates on us - My PPD got much worse, saw the psych again, she kept saying it was severe and that I'm just sensitive to hormones and put me on an anti-psychotic drug at night (low dose). I think it is helping lots, as my horrible episodes are actually more of episodes rather than days and weeks, meaning I actually have some good moments in between. Phew! Mum in law and Sis in law came to visit, and I wish they'd never left. I think Toby misses his grandmother Sue cuddling him and chatting to him, and Aunty Linda trying to make a deal with him not to cry.

On the church's nursery changing table after the christening service. He was a good boy during the christening once we got the pacifier to him.

The fellas together.

"My Mummy likes to have a good night's sleep but I'm the Boss around here"

I love this picture of him with Aunty Linda in the morning.

Our Home, Louisiana

2006-01-04T06:27:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share something a little neat. BC/BS has been running this commercial showing pictures of recovery of the area and New Orleans with this song that really pulls at the emotions. I get teary eyed and actually proud to live here for the brief time of the commercial. Anyway, one of our church friends who works for them sent the link to the entire song and lyrics so I wanted to share it.

"
I’m sure by now you’ve heard or seen the TV commercials with the “Our Home, Louisiana” song in it. The young man who wrote and performs that song, Jep Epstein, is a New Orleans native who has done work for us in the past. His home was completely destroyed by Katrina, like so many others he has been on an odyssey worthy of writing down. But instead, he wrote that heart-wrenching tune. I thought you might like to hear the whole thing, as you only get snippets in our ads, and the song really has nothing to do with Blue Cross, we’re just helping it get distributed. In fact, in the 1st Quarter of the Peach Bowl, we went ahead and ran the ad nationally so that displaced people all over America could hear it, and see that we’re still working to fix things here.

Here is a link to the song in its entirety: http://www.bcbsla.com/web/customer/Our_Home/Our_Home_Louisiana.asp

And here are the lyrics:

OUR HOME, LOUISIANA

A flickering lamp, a fire bright,
The lights are on again,
Graceful trees tell quiet tales,
And you remember then.

All our dreams head homeward, chere,
Smiles bring other smiles,
Neighbors, friends, and family join,
Together, we survive.

This is our love, This is our life,
This is our home, Louisiana,
This is our day, come what may,
This is our home.

A breaking dawn, a tender morn,
A canvas we design,
The band parades, a jester laughs,
We share momentous time.

And all our hopes flow back to you,
The music plays in time,
The river calls in majesty.
Together, we survive.

This is our love, This is our life,
This is our home, Louisiana,
This is our day, come what may,
This is our home.

Church bells ring, the children sing,
My sunshine, you are mine,
Hello old friend, I knew you when,
Together, we’ll unwind.

May all our prayers be noble now,
May all our work be pure,
May we be thankful once again,
Together, we endure.

This is our love, This is our life,
This is our home, Louisiana,
This is our day, come what may,
This is our home.

This is our love, This is our life,
This is our home, Louisiana,
This is our day, come what may,
This is our home.

More photos of Toby at a month old

2006-01-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

They're over on DH's blog: http://thespencers.blogspot.com.

And now for something completely different

2005-12-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

He loves to sleep on Daddy's chest. Note that the socks tell you the day of the week. It is worn not for the cuteness, but to remind Mummy and Daddy what day of the week it really is. Next we'll just need him to wear a big clock around his neck so we'll know if it is daytime or nighttime.

Daddy took this Christmas Eve when Toby was wide awake from 2-6am.

This little guy seems to have a slight ginger tint to his hair... could it be?

What's been going on

2005-12-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

Thought I should properly update y'all since it may have seemed like I've either fallen off of the face of the earth or that I've moved to a private island and am ignoring everyone. Here's the quick update - I have postpartum depression and it's bad. Need details? Read the saga below.

Last y'all heard, I was having problems breastfeeding Toby. He simply wouldn't latch on correctly and after a while just stopped latching really at all. He acted like he didn't want it but would cry from hunger. It drove me crazy, was very frustrating, and made me feel like my body was failing my son - so some self-loathing in there as well. Because of his jaundice and him losing weight, we supplemented with formula more and more. We tried using an SNS system first, which is a way to feed him formula simultaneously while he nurses in order to get him to latch and stay on (his main problem was that he just wouldn't stay on), but it just kept escalating into more problems so we'd just give him formula in a bottle more and more.

Starting from the third day in the hospital, my mind started going nuts. I'd cry for no reason and it would be horrible inconsolable sobbing. I cried more than Toby did. I had moments of feeling unattached to Toby, and couldn't understand why. Then on the 5th day when we returned home from the hospital it got much worse - probably because of the sudden lack of sleep (with the jaundice he slept more, but also for some reason I slept really well in the hospital even though he was by my bed most of the time - one night we didn't even have to send him to the nursery for a few hours because he was so quiet).

The unattachment to him just worsened with every hour it seemed. I also completely lost my appetite which is very unusual for me. I spent all those months with gestational diabetes just dreaming of all these things to eat once I had the baby and the diabetes was gone - then when I could eat it, I simply didn't want it. I had to force myself to eat anything, even my favorite foods. The bond I had felt with him those first few days, wasn't there anymore, and I became afraid to even touch him. I felt like I couldn't care for him, like I couldn't give him the care he needed. I saw my husband and mom just look at him and ooze this love for him and be able to talk to him and care for him as though it were second nature - I had none of that. I couldn't feel anything, and it hurt so bad. Inside my brain I felt as though I were two people - one was a mother who didn't and couldn't touch her son or even feel anything for him - and the other was someone looking on tsking and being well aware of how crazy that is. It just made my self-loathing worse and worse.

Then the images came. Horrible images would flash through my mind of him being hurt, I'd cry and not want to touch him because I might hurt him. I'd have horrible nightmares of him being hurt and I'd wake up and need to be with him, so I'd go over to him yet couldn't touch him. I had to force myself to feed and change his diaper just to give my husband a break. I tried to put on a happy face so he wouldn't see or feel my pain but I don't think it worked.

I kinda knew that I would suffer some sort of post partum depression, just because of my history with depression. I asked my OB if there is some way to prevent it, maybe raise my dosage of prozac or something, but he really isn't the kind of doctor to easily push medicine and thought I'd be fine. He said to remind him once we were in the hospital and he'd have a social worker talk to me. He was such a great OB that I trusted his instinct rather than my own intuition about what was about to happen. By the time a social worker spoke to me in the hospital, it was too late. He tried to get me a psych consult before I was discharged but I didn't get to ask for it until the next last day and the psychiatrist was too busy to see me. After a mess of trying to schedule an appointment, I finally got one to see her about three weeks later.

At one of Toby's appointments with the pediatrician, I was worse for wear. The pediatrician saw immediately what was going on with me and gentle prodded me for more information about how I was really feeling. At first I tried to say I was fine, but my husband said I wasn't and so I became honest with her and it all came out. She knew that I should be seen immediately by someone, so she asked my husband to make sure I called my doctor to let him know. We called right after the appointment with her, but turns out she was so worried that she had called him herself as well. They were able to get me in with a social worker (therapist) a few days later since my appointment with the psychiatrist still wasn't for over a week.

The therapist visit was all right I suppose. All I did was talk and cry, but she allowed DH to be there, so he got to listen to all the things I probably had been too exhausted or scared to tell him - and he got to listen to her response so maybe he could understand why his wife was going crazy. She confirmed it was postpartum depression and asked DH to take some night feedings, insisted I make myself eat, and assured me it was normal and that it will get better.

A week later I saw the psychiatrist, who was excellent, and she basically said the same thing. She reconfimed that I have a classic case of ppd but it was a bad one. She also gave me her cell phone number to call just to be assured I'm a normal person and will get better - I've only called her once although I probably should've called about fifteen more times but when you're depressed it's hard to do anything even if it helps you. She also doubled my prozac.

I wish that I could say that things have improved since then - but they haven't really. I have do have tiny little moments - the psych calls them glimpses - of normalcy and wanting to love on Toby - but they pass quickly. Right now the self-loathing just increases and most of my crying is over how I feel that he won't feel an attachment to me as his Mum since I'm so unattached and DH and my mom are doing most of the caring for him. The images and flashes are still there, and sometimes they include me hurting myself, just b/c I can't be a good mother. No matter how many times the people I love tell me I'm a good mother, I won't believe it because I haven't seen it for myself and I know they're just trying to help me get better.

As far as the breastfeeding is going - we've stopped that. The PPD has inhibited my milk flow tremendously but also the hormone in the brain that makes the body produce more milk - prolactin - just worsens the depression. I've felt so guilty though that I try to pump for him, but I didn't pump for a day and a half, and was only pumping once or twice a day so now I can only get about a quarter of an ounce each time. I decided to try to pump more often to try to get the milk flow back - but I'm also wondering if it will be worth it if it inhibits my getting better. I have to somehow improve enough to safely be alone with Toby as DH needs to go to work - we're so skint on money right now and have bills to pay - and my mom who is only home right now because she is recovering from gallbladder surgery, goes back to work Jan 7. I'm so scared when that happens because I just don't know how I am going to be able to handle it. And at the same time, I'm still recovering from the c section which is major abdominal surgery. I must have pulled a stitch open as well, as there is a hole in the incision which is leaking something yellow and that entire side just hurts all the time, especially when I'm moving around. The Dr put me on some antibiotics but those have finished and this is still going on.

So there you go. That is what has been going on with me. Toby is healthy, growing quickly, sometimes sleeping 4 hours at a time, and has the best Daddy in the world taking care of him. We're having formula problems, just trying to find the right one that works with his sensitive tummy that WIC will pay for (govt sponsored program to pay for milk, eggs and a few other things for women, infants and children that we're trying to get on). The formula we found that is perfect, WIC won't cover, so we're having to try others. And all that trouble just makes me feel guiltier about not being able to breastfeed or pump much and it brings on the self-loathing even more.

Oh yeah, Christmas came and went too. I think everyone enjoyed it. DH and I now own a video camera so we can send some video of Toby overseas to his British family, and whenever we live in England we can send video to the American family - once we figure out an easy way to put the video on the computer and send it.

Thanks for the gifts and cards - Taja, Tracy and Bill, Jen, Deb, Sue, Linda, Aunty Marian and Uncle Bill.

1 week old Toby

2005-12-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to share some pics of Toby, they're over on DH's blog.

Still recovering. Abdominal surgery isn't easy to recover from, especially if you're large-abdominally challenged such as myself. I'm so glad I have DH though. He has spent every waking hour helping Toby and I, and will even stay up all night with Toby just to let me sleep no matter how much I try to send him to bed (well, both of them).

The Bfeeding is going... well, we're still trying. I really want this to work, I feel like my body is failing my son if I can't get it to work. And I hate those formula diapers and burp-ups. Yuck!

Saw the pediatrician yesterday, Toby is back up to 9lbs, 5oz. He had gone down to 8lbs, 15oz while in the hospital. Still a bit jaundiced but the ped isn't too worried about it. We have another appointment on Monday to check his weight again to see how the bfeeding is going. I love our pediatrician. She remembered little details about us from the hospital, and came to check on Toby and I everyday while we were in the hospital. She also let me have a room to feed him in (which went well, the only successful bfeeding moment in the past two days, sigh) because he was getting hungry while she was checking him.

Go over and see the photos. He's just precious...and so is DH. I've fallen in love with him all over again just from seeing him be a perfect Daddy to our boy.

Tobias "Toby" Peter Spencer is Here!

2005-12-07T15:33:00.000-08:00

And as mummy is exhausted and still recovering from major abdominal surgery, you can read all about it here on my DH's blog and there is a link to pictures as well:

Ramblings of an Englishman (and his American bird)

Don't expect to hear from me for a while, I've got a lot of sleeping and recovering to do.

And the latest...

2005-11-30T21:29:00.000-08:00

C section scheduled for Friday, Dec 2 at 8am. Crossing fingers it won't be a hellish recovery, I'll need my energy for baby!

Oh, and DH is home with visa! Yay!!!!! I'd write more but I have a 10lb baby inside of me who doesn't like it when I lean over to type.

Yup, 10lbs at last ultrasound. They can be off by a pound sometimes, we'll see. He's a big boy. DH and I went to build-a-bear to make him a bear, we named it Clifford. Very cute.

I can't believe I'm about to be a mother. I can hardly take care of myself, yeeesh! Next time you hear from me I'll have gone from preggy brain to mommy brain (still scatterbrained) but all I'll be able to talk about is Toby. Get ready!

2005-11-25T17:46:00.001-08:00

Sis and Bro in law goofin'

2005-11-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

More Nursery

2005-11-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

Nursery

2005-11-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

37 wks pregnant

Still Cooking

2005-11-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

The baby is still in the oven, but letting me know most of the time that he has no room in there by pushing and kicking and trying his best to squeeze out of my bellybutton or ribs if he could. I told him to wait until Daddy comes home, we'll see.

Speaking of Daddy, DH got his visa! Now it is just a race of time to see what happens next - Toby's arrival or DH getting back in the country. His plane ticket is for Wed the 30, but that's the day my doctors think we'll be having little Toby, depending on my appts Tuesday afternoon. He's off in England spending some time w/his mates and family, which is good for him - but I sure hope he gets back in time!

We had a simple Thanksgiving, didn't go overboard with food and ate in the garage watching football on the tv in there, since our kitchen is being fixed at the moment. We were allowed to go in and use it, but there is dust and insulation everywhere, so we didn't spend a lot of time in there. The workers come back Monday, so far they've repaired part of the roof bit, taken down the entire ceiling, put half of the ceiling board back up, and once they finish that it is time to take down the walls, replace the insulation and put them back up... then I think we can have our kitchen back. Let's see... this is... 3 months after Katrina. All I can say is - don't ever use State Farm insurance.

One Less Worry, possibly

2005-11-18T14:20:00.000-08:00

Update since last night - we believe that they already sent Pete's police clearance/certificate and mum-in-law has it in her possession already! One answered prayer down, one less thing to worry about!

Now if just the medical and interview go well... and somehow we find a way home for him a little sooner than the 30th in case Toby won't wait. Phew!

Down the Stretch

2005-11-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all, so sorry it has been a while. Things go a little slower when you're carrying an 8lb+ baby on your sciatic nerve who also loves to squish that "gotta pee" nerve.

That's right, 8lb 5oz at the latest ultrasound estimate which was Tuesday. Had both appts w/the maternal-fetal medicine doctor who i guess is a perinatologist who does the biophysical ultrasounds and the regular OB. We asked when they thought we might be delivering this big boy, and the OB said Nov 25 or 28 was his guess, the peri said Nov 30 if we could stall that long so he could have ample time to develop (big babies like that need more time to develop in the womb), but he is already so big, it would most likely be a c section if we waited that long.

Want more news to make it even more finger-nail biting? DH got his green card interview date scheduled in London. We applied for this thing 3 and 1/2 years ago, actually a little longer than that. He has been here on a temporary visa made just for spouses of US citizens who have to wait on the green card processing b/c it takes so damn long. Don't ask me why they created another visa to create more work for the same people who could just be working harder and faster on the green card applications - but that's what they did. Anyway, it is scheduled for Nov. 23.

It gets better (really, worse, depending on how you look at things).

Our friend and Rector of our church got DH's plane ticket to England since he has so many air miles and we have so little money (and just short on the air miles). Because it is around Thanksgiving, the only dates he could go are from Nov 20 to 30. But hey, it's a free ticket. We're crossing fingers and praying that DH will get his visa and be able to somehow get an earlier flight if he begs at the airport, even if we have to shell out a little more money, so he doesn't miss the baby's birth.

But, another snag. The embassy requires a medical exam and a police clearance/certificate at the green card interview. Without those, DH gets no visa. We have his medical scheduled for the day he arrives, the 21st, but they warned him it normally takes 3 days to send the results to the embassy. Not too bad, it would just take an extra day. They'll do the interview w/out the medical results and just wait for them to come in and issue the visa then if the interview and results are all good. But it's that darn police certificate/clearance that we're worried about. Minimum time it takes to get - 6 weeks. I have heard reports of some getting theirs in 2 weeks or even 10 days, but others have taken a month or more. Fingers crossed.

That's what could hold him up. He could not only miss his flight out on the 30th by not having the visa by then, but may miss the birth, and I'll be stuck alone with a newborn that doesn't come with a manual and probably having to also recover from major surgery (the c section, apparently it's hell to recover from, and I didn't recover quickly at all from my last surgery which was the gallbladder removal - I don't do recovery well). I do have my family here, but my mom works 12 hour shifts at the hospital and will most likely be there most of the time, my sister just got a new job where she isn't able to take off work, and my dad calls being productive going out and playing 18 holes of golf. He also can't even turn on the oven without my help (it's digital) and it has taken him months to realize that I can't bend over anymore to empty the bottom rack of the dishwasher, nor lean over and stretch enough to put most of the dishes away. He also forgets my diabetic diet constantly.

So, next week and the following week will be interesting to say the least. I'm trying to convince the boy to stay in, and pray that the police certificate comes at a miracle pace, and that DH can fly home earlier than his ticket is planned. Is that too much?

I've been having some practice contractions, or Braxton Hicks as they like to call them. But Doctors seem to be mistaken about these. For some reason they seem to think they're not painful at all. I think it is b/c most of them are men and don't get that menstrual crampy feeling and basketball tummy tightening and extreme lower back pain all at once. I almost had us on a hospital run, but called the Dr first who calmed me down and I made it through the night and saw him the next day. I'm dilated just a fingertip with a very soft cervix. But the good news is that I haven't had another night of contractions like that since. Just a few moments, but nothing that bad. Maybe Toby will wait for Daddy. Let's hope. Daddy has waited for Toby for a long time and I think will be heartbroken to miss his birth. Everyone who talks to DH tells me just how lucky I am, they've never seen a father-to-be more excited and informed about pregnancy and childbirth.

Trust me, I know how lucky I am. And I'm even luckier and more ecstatic that we're going to have a little mini-DH as well. What could be better than that?

35 weeks down... yikes!

2005-11-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

Not long to go now! Had my 35 week appt at the OB on Tuesday and things seemed sort of okay. My blood pressure is actually high, which is rare for me, despite my size, and the boy - who although showed at the last ultrasound to be in position with his head down ready to go, still has his feet stuck up in my ribs (sure does make breathing fun for me!) and is pretty high for being so far along and so big.

I reminded the OB that the Perinatologist who I see that does the ultrasounds and monitors my blood sugars said this baby was in the 86% percentile for size. Not that it means anything to me, just that he's big - and the OB mentioned we might have to consider a C section. Now, 8 months ago I was dreaming of having a C section, but since then I've done a lot more research on it and it's not really the ball of fluff that everyone makes it out to be. It's a major, major surgery, and not that great for baby either. Recovery is worse than the regular old method of birthin', and the boy will have more fluid in his lungs and will have to spend a few days in the NICU if this happens (usually the birth canal would push all this fluid out but in a C, he won't be going that route). He will already have lung problems most likely, just from being a boy, and a boy of a gestational diabetic, and also probably being pulled early b/c they don't like gestational diabetics to go full term (the placenta ages quicker and that means it will give less and less oxygen the closer to 40 weeks we go). So, there are some worrying things.

But honestly I am so uncomfortable right now, I don't care if they have to pull him out of my nose at this point. I made sure the Doc knew that.

So, now we're down to weekly appointments, I see him again on Tuesday and I guess that's when they start up the pelvic exams again. Then the following Tuesday is the perinatologist appt where they do another ultrasound, if the boy waits that long, and I have a feeling we'll be seeing him before December. Just a feeling though, keep in mind I've never done this before.

I still have a huge list of things to do before he comes, but a lot of it has to do with money, and sadly, I think we lost our money growing tree. *Sniff*. DH is "helping" do some construction in Covington (to the east of us and on the north side of Lake Ponchartrain - that big lake next to New Orleans) these past few weeks to help the situation, but it means he spends most of the week away as it is too far to logically come back and forth daily with the high cost of gas and all the new traffic we have thanks to the evacuees. So anyway, I still have to:

Get a Diaper Champ (diaper disposal thingy)
get some nursing pj's and bras (i have none!)
somehow figure out a way to get baby health insurance without having to add him to my out of state Virginia plan which will cost twice as much
wait on missing nursery pieces that have been backordered
get nursery monitor
get pack and play (will use as a bassinet next to our bed in the beginning)
send out those thank you notes from those who sent baby gifts (they're written, just not mailed, d'oh!)
do the christmas cards
stop feeling guilty about not being able to get christmas gifts this year and fight the urge to do christmas shopping
get car seat installed by a technician who can interpret those darn directions (have to make an appt w/the police dept for that)
stop craving cake, i can't have it yet!
somehow break it to the kitties that they might not be getting as much attention from us soon
decide on a middle name!
pack the hospital bag
figure out what else

So there it is, lots of stuff to do, yet I don't have the energy to do any of it. I have to do more around the house now as well since DH is off in Covington, it's not fun.

I can't believe it is November. I can't believe I'm going to have a baby.

Just a quickie

2005-10-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add that I'm feeling much better (mentally, certainlly not physically) since I wrote that long worried paranoid pregnancy hormonal post. DH and I had a few gift cards that we took on a shopping trip the next day, and although we couldn't get much, I felt much better just doing a little baby shopping. Then we went home, washed our new baby clothes and I ironed all of them, even the burp rags (which are just cloth diapers) and receiving blankets. Is that nesting? I don't even iron my own clothes.

The bad news is that although my blood sugars have been very low and normal lately, the doctor wants to put me on insulin. So today we're off to another diabetic education appointment where I'll learn how to give myself shots. Don't even know how often I'll have to do it. I have a hard time just pricking my finger four times a day to check my blood, who knows how I can manage this. Think my mom would mind me stopping by her work everyday to give me the shot? Yeah, I didn't think that would work. Darnit.

It is getting cooler here and it is weather where I need to wear a coat or jacket. Unfortunately I put off buying a maternity one and now have nothing warm to wear. I think we may try to find an oversized men's pullover or something at the outlet mall on sale, even though we still can't really afford that. Still, I love this weather, and it has immediately put me in good spirits - such good spirits that I don't even mind going out and walking the dogs in this weather. Not that I've done it yet, but I have thought about it!

Off to the appointment.

Dear Toby,

2005-10-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Mama isn't ready for you to come out just yet. Although she can't wait to have you, she's just a tad bit too worried about the process of getting you from there to here. So, get comfy, continue kicking my ribs and punching my bladder and just wait a little longer.

How much can your child scare you?

2005-10-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

For those still paying attention - we're still pregnant. Our house still has a hole in it that the insurance company has yet to agree to pay for, this third trimester of pregnancy has made me feel completely crappy, my emotions are on a rollercoaster, DH still has no visa although his file is finally in London which is where it should've been months ago, we're both broke and I'm stressing about paying these doctor bills and setting up baby's health insurance and finding a pediatrician, and also stressing about the baby stuff we need and don't have, and no money to get it with. Oh and the gestational diabetes is still going on, driving me crazy. I have to force myself to eat 5 times a day, especially the first and last meals, and although my diet has been the same, my numbers have been escalating the past week, either due to increase in hormones or stress, or the cold I have from the dust and mold left in the house from the hurricane. Who knows.

Now that I've been that bright ray of sunshine, let's go into detail.

I've realized that I have less than 8 weeks to go now with this pregnancy. With my regular OB, my due date is December 9, which was determined by the baby's size in the very first ultrasound, which they say is the most reliable for determining due dates. With the specialist that I see who monitors my diabetes and measures the baby's growth every four weeks, my due date is Dec 2, I guess decided upon from an average of measurements taken of the baby around 24 weeks.

In my mind and intuition, I feel that my due date will be the last week in November. From Nov 22-29. That is determined by just how I feel and my own uninformed judgement. I just have this feeling that he won't have a December birthday, unless it is very early December.

We'll see. The doctors should know the best right? They're the medical professionals after all. I'm just a blubbering mess of hormones, emotions, and back pain who has to pee every 5-10 minutes whether I'm asleep or not. I'm the one who has to run to the bathroom every time I sneeze or laugh.

The latest on our Toby's size - supposedly I'm either at 33 or 34 weeks out of the 40 that they call full term. The baby should be weighing (they estimate weight by measuring the circumference of the head, stomach, and length of the thigh bone in the ultrasound) about 4 lbs to 4.5lbs. Well darling, sweet, precious, kung-fu expert Toby is at an estimated weight of 6 lbs.

SIX freaking pounds.

When I was born, at either 2 or 3 weeks early, I was a little over 6 lbs. Either 6.5 lbs or 6 lbs 1oz, my mother can't remember. DH was 10 days late and 8 lbs, ? oz (sorry I've forgotten!).

This boy is on schedule to be huge if he goes the 40 weeks if the doctors' schedule is correct on my due date.

Can I faint now?

Not only that, but we went to our first "birthing" class. It was just an informational session really on what goes on during labor, and we watched videos of a regular birth and a C section. Had they shown me that video when I was younger, I would be a nun by now and in no way would have gone near the opposite sex. But instead I see the video in my third trimester when I'm already wondering how I can muster the energy to walk from the building to the car. They also passed around things that measured the various centimeters that your cervix dilates, the biggest being 10 cm.

Have I mentioned that as of now, Toby's head is measuring 9.73 cm?

Yes, I'm scared.

I relayed my fears to my OB who isn't worried yet. He'll see me again in two weeks and that's when they'll monitor things that will help determine just how should I deliver this baby. I can't believe it, but I'm actually crossing my fingers for a c section, or a boy who doesn't grow much more at the moment. A few weeks ago I didn't want to go near a c section and wasn't too frightened of how we'll get the baby, just as long as we got him.

So, two more weeks and we'll see.

Toby is already in position as well. Head down so that he can hiccup and punch my bladder and his feet dig into my ribs so I can know how it feels to not be able to breathe well. He loves to kick my ribs at night and hiccup to wake me up in the morning, and punch anytime someone presses on my belly, especially if it is DH pressing his ear to my stomach. I think that's his way of saying hi to Daddy.

Aside from those baby fears, the other baby fears have settled in. As in, how in the heck will I be able to take care of him? I've never even babysat for a baby, and I've only held an infant once, very uncomfortably, and was forced to hold one by my co-workers who just thought it was funny that I had never held a baby before. Now I'll have to instantly know how to hold and take care of one without anybody's help when it is 3am and DH is passed out asleep (he's impossible to wake up sometimes, and I have to face it, he'll need to sleep if he's going to be getting up to go to work which hopefully will happen soon). But it's not only that. I've read the baby books, seen the videos, and we're taking some classes... so Im learning.

The other fear is, will he like me?

One reason I've stayed away from children and infants is that I never know what to say to or do with them. They stare at me and run or cry, as if they can smell my fear. What if this one is the same? What if he doesn't like me? I realize it's an irrational fear, but it's there.

And the more practical fear of the day - how in the heck will we get this baby stuff we need? We've been given some gifts, some great ones, and some cute but impractical ones as well. However, there is still a list of things we'll need. Must haves that all the other moms tell me to get, yet we really don't have the means to get them. And I hate to ask someone to get them for me. We have a lot of cute clothes, mostly in newborn or 0-3 months. I'm afraid Toby might be too big for his newborn clothes, and will probably grow out of the 0-3 month clothing overnight. Plus, we don't have the types of clothing that the other moms are suggesting. Gowns for ease of changing diapers at night, onesies that actually fit (the Gerber ones we were given look too small already), and do we have enough to not have to do two loads of washing a day? It's not only that, there are some other things. Diapers, of course. We were given 3 packages of them, but one is a newborn size that Toby might have overgrown by the time he is born. And the diaper pail. Right now we don't have one. The plan is to get one. Somehow so we're not running through the house to throw away a diaper in the garage everytime, especially if it is the middle of the night.

Actually, I can't believe I'm even blubbering about that stuff, so I'll stop for now. I may seem very pessimisstic right now, but I also can't describe how much I am looking forward to having this baby. I sit in the nursery and it brings me so much peace. I take out the clothes we have, the toys and even the diaper packages, and just get such an urge, of can't wait, as though this were christmas eve and my dream gift is just about to arrive. I can't wait to see him, to take care of him, play with him, and even more, to see DH be a daddy to him. I'm so, so blessed with a husband who I think will be that kind of Dad who won't be able to stand to be away from his child. He was the one who got me excited in the first place when I first learned we were pregnant, and he is the one who has encouraged me and kept me going through these long months of ups and downs. He was the one who wanted to rush out and buy the special baby detergent to wash the new clothes in so we'd have another excuse to "play" with them, and he is the one who had us rent out a video about taking care of babies from the library. I can't imagine having this baby without him, and I think that in case I do have one of those difficult labors with this big noggin'd boy, it will be him who will keep me excited and able to muster the energy. Don't tell him that though, he'll never believe it.

And unrelated - our kitties, Charlie and Max, are hurt. They both somehow got into a fight with either a dog or another cat, and Charlie has an abcess on his eyelid and forehead that swells his eye shut, and Max has one on his leg. Max's is easier to care for since we don't have the fear of putting anything into his eye, and his leg is healing nicely. We took Charlie to the vet for some antibiotics, and I have to give them to him twice a day (b/c DH is too scared to, although he bravely did it this morning when I was having trouble), and somehow have to squeeze, clean out and medicate the abcess which is something both of us hate to do b/c we're so scared of hurting him (plus it is just gross!). I've been in another world this past week just worrying over these two cats, I don't know if it is my hormones or if I would act like this unpregnant and they were hurt, but those two just worry me all day and night. I hate to see them in pain, and I hate to have to cause them pain to help them.

Anyway, that's all folks. All for now. It is time to check my blood sugar and force myself to eat another meal that I'm too exhausted to prepare. DH rented out the newest Tony Hawks' skateboarding game on the Playstation2, so don't expect to hear from him for a week or so. I have to give him credit though, he has been waiting on me hand and foot for so long and hasn't touched his PS2 in a while, so I'm giving him this week to have his fun and be a Playstation zombie again... as long as I'm still the princess. ;)

Thank you FEMA

2005-09-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

For giving my husband and I something we were in desperate need of.

And thank you Wachovia Bank for taking away those nasty fees once I told them we were in the hurricane.

Now if I can just get my car insurance company and Sallie Mae on the ball. I just have to remind them I don't live in Virginia anymore, and I might get a needed grace period for paying those bills.

By the way - Survived Rita. Lots of wind and rain, downed limbs, knocked over things, somehow still managed to rain inside the kitchen (but not as much as with Katrina) through the patched up hole (from the Katrina - tree incident), blew more insulation around the house and forced open a door and flooded the sunroom (but it's dry now). Thanks Rita for not bringing down another tree on the house.

My aunts are throwing me a baby shower in Jackson, Mississippi this coming Saturday. I'd be more excited if I actually knew people in Jackson anymore. So, it will be my 3 aunts who live in Jackson, my grandmother, Pete, and my one friend from childhood who still lives there and keeps in touch. Big shower. I am touched though that they're throwing me one. I've been worried that I wouldn't get one at all since all of my friends are placed so randomly throughout the country and world. And of course, what new mom doesn't need baby presents?!?

(I'm registered at target.com and babiesrus.com by the way)

Updates

2005-09-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight's update:

Our church has adopted one family, a man, woman, their 19 yr old daughter who is starting at LSU and a 7 yr old (I think). We put them in an apartment and are trying to furnish it, they only have two beds right now. They do have plenty of clothes, I believe, because now there is definitely not a shortage of clothes in Baton Rouge. I think they also need help getting a car.

I finally got in contact with the pregnant woman who lost her home in St. Bernard Parish. She is due in December as well. She's staying in a hotel here in baton rouge with her husband, and said that there is still 6 feet of water in her home and pretty much everything is ruined. I know that St. Bernard was one of the most ignored and hardest hit areas, the cities in that parish are suburbs of New Orleans, but have their own close-knit communities as well, a lot more than most suburbs do. The parish president met w/a lot of the residents at the capitol building a few days ago to tell them not to expect to live there again until next Summer at the Earliest.

I think this woman is just in too much shock and like the other victims, cannot make decisions for herself. I so want to help her, hold her hand, but she is hesitant. For example, I was recommending my OB and other doctors for her since she was supposed to have an appt Sept 7 for a shot of rogam (something she and her baby desperately need NOT to miss) but she told me she's still trying to get a hold of her doctor and might look for one here soon. This lady needs someone to take her to the doctor to get that rogam, at least for her baby's sake, but she's still in denial I think. She also keeps mentioning moving maybe to Metairie, the northern part of New Orleans (which is also still uninhabitable mostly, at least no power, sewage or water) so her husband can keep his same job in New Orleans. I'm not sure what he does, but I doubt he'll be able to work there for a while now. I feel so bad b/c she had just bought everything for her nursery, she's having a girl, and it's all underwater and ruined now. And she's facing the prospect of having this baby in a hotel room where there isn't much room for a bassinet or anything else especially. I'm trying to get her help, but like I said, she's in denial and shock still.

The people staying with my sister, a family of 4 that sleeps there (thank goodness for the bed DH and I are storing in her guest room!) and up to 16 other relatives of theirs come by during the day to shower and do laundry and just hang out in something more normal than a shelter, might move soon to Texas. They can't decide which city, they have some family in Dallas but the dad doesn't like them too much and wants to go to Houston instead, so my sister might get a reprieve soon. She says that its hard sharing your home like that with so many people. She can hardly pay her electric bill this month much less whatever the next month might be. My mum-in-law sent me some money to put to the best use possible for these victims, and Pete and I decided perhaps give it to my sister for feeding and taking care of these people and to help pay the electricity when that bill comes. I also got her a Walmart gift card from my church to buy some more food for them, but it's only $25. Every little bit helps though.

I think I mentioned before about hearing some stories of FEMA not helping white people. Well in Walmart the other day a black man was yelling at the pharmacist that FEMA wasn't helping him, only the white people. So my guess is, they're just not helping everyone. This man kept saying he was diabetic and just needing whatever it was to be filled, and FEMA wouldn't help pay for it, and after standing in line for hours, the Red Cross gave him a 1-800 number to call, and he just needed the prescription filled (and paid for I guess). Right after the hurricane, these pharmacies were all saying they'd fill and refill any prescriptions of New Orleans people, well apparently they're not b/c that's one of many times I've witnessed someone from New Orleans angry that they wouldn't fill their prescription without them seeing a baton rouge doctor first. Seems unfair to me. They had their old prescription bottles, and obviously their doctor's offices were underwater or destroyed too.

I'm also seeing some local reports of more pets being rescued instead of shot for being strays, so there is some hope after all.

It is just getting scarier now because we don't know what to do with all of these people, and they don't either. I just can't imagine having to start a life over with nothing, and being in the same boat as thousands, even in a town 30 miles north of where you used to live.

Now the update on me and the baby:

I found out why he is measuring big, I have gestational diabetes. It completely sucks to be pregnant, finally craving and liking sweets again after having changed tastebuds not like sweets during the first two trimesters, and not be able to gorge on every craving anymore. Instead, I have to plan my meals, small and within a caloric range, and eat them on a schedule, every 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours. I also have to prick my fingers 4 times a day to check my blood sugars, and probably after my next Doctor's appt on Monday, will most likely have to inject insulin as well.

I am hoping this is just gestational and not that I was in the beginning stages of diabetes before pregnancy, because if it is just gestational it will go away as soon as I have the baby... and then I'm treating myself to a large strawberry sundae. That has been my latest craving, but I just can't really indulge in that right now. Sticking to this diet isn't something I should do just for myself, but it affects an innocent baby boy as well, so I can't even fathom cheating. I don't believe I have ever stuck to a diet this well in my entire life. It's so strange to do so, and exercise on a daily basis (I have to get an hour's worth of daily exercise in as well to help cope w/the diabetes), and be growing like a whale still.

Visa news - we have received confirmation that thanks to my Doctor's note, they are in fact expediting DH's visa, however they changed some of the rules on the forms I had sent in months ago, and we have to resend some information. Sigh. At least they're working on it. It may be time to send DH back to England soon, and I can't bear to be without him. It will be a very hard time. And perhaps to clarify to a few people who have asked - whether he goes to England now or in a months' time, the visa will come on its own time. Him being in England has nothing to do with the active process of the visa, it won't help any, he just needs to be there when they want him to be there for the interview. So sending him now to wait will just mean he'll be there longer, as opposed to sending him later so we won't be apart for as long of a time.

Oh, and I had a birthday. It was a bit uneventful, but I had a delicious shrimp dinner and a sliver of birthday cake, which did make my glucose levels teeter on uh-oh, but they've been pretty normal since. That reminds me, I'm also having cake after giving birth.

The 8th day

2005-09-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll try to be quick in this update b/c I still have tendonitis, I'm exhausted and am feeling so darn overwhelmed, but writing this stuff actually helps so here you go:

The benefit concert turned out pretty well. At first they were expecting a lot of military and we cooked a bunch of gumbo to feed them, as well as for the remaining people in this one temporary shelter. Well the military were gone on a night mission so they couldn't come, and the temporary shelter people were moved that afternoon to a more permanent one in Lake Charles (to the west of us, near Texas), so we were afraid we'd have nobody there and nobody to feed, so I was on standby to take all the gumbo to another shelter.

Then, these boys from Arkansas showed up. One of them is a pastor in Conway, Arkansas (about an hour north of Little Rock unless you're like the normal Arkansasian and drive 80 on that highway then it's 40 minutes or so north). Anyway, he had graduated from LSU down here, and just felt like he needed to do something, so he wrote to area churches and put an ad in the paper and came up with a large group of basically Arkansas rednecks and not so rednecks with chainsaws and they drove the 8 or 9 or however many hours it takes, and immediately began cutting up the trees blocking roadways in St. Tammany parish. That's one of the parishes that was hit very hard with a lot of wind damage, and we've had no communications in and out of the parish b/c of the damage, and the light company trucks and emergency personnel couldn't really get in there. So these 'good ol' boys' spent a 12 hour day cutting through the trees and moving them to the side, clearing the roads. They also met a few families who stayed for the storm, and brought them some water and offered to take them where they could get food, but I don't think any of them really wanted to leave their homes.

So our gumbo was eaten up by these hungry chainsaw bearing rednecks (and not-so-rednecks to be fair), and they all stayed for our concert, gave some testimonials themselves, and helped us raise some money.

They had some journalists and a cameraman there from New York, they were with some Episcopal/Anglican newspaper I think. One was british so of course they tried to get Pete to talk to him, but they were of course very busy so I don't think they really talked. They didn't have a place to stay but it took just a few seconds for someone to offer rooms, and there you go.

The next morning these guys came back and our church cooked them breakfast as well as the remaining evacuees at one of the temporary shelters who haven't been moved yet, and I guess the guys wanted to thank us, because by the time we got to the church a little later to sort donated supplies and haul it off in our truck to a shelter, it was already taken care of. So our church volunteers just found a new place to volunteer and spent the day there. It is mainly sorting donated supplies in an un-airconditioned warehouse so they wouldn't let me go, but Pete is going tomorrow I think. He spent today doing something at the church, and I took the day off... until my mother got me into vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the house.

A few other things - they're rescuing the pets that these evacuees left behind at the Superdome and all over, and bringing them to a few pet shelters here, one of them is very close to us. They're trying to reunite these pets w/the evacuees, and I hope that it happens. I also hope the health of these pets is okay, b/c since they found E Coli bacteria in the water in New Orleans, I'm afraid that's what the pets have been drinking while left behind.

And for the forgotten parishes - the ones the media ignores and that still desperately need rescuing and help - people are starting to make headway into those. Ever since the storm, all communications were lost, and because of downed trees and debris, it has been impossible to get in or out. But there are volunteers and relief workers now, trying to open the parishes up, and we're just now learning of the confirmed devastation in these places. They're talking about when the schools will be reopened, and while some have positive outlooks with October, others are saying at least another year. I know that there are many states who are opening their doors to these kids to be allowed into their school systems - but these families have to get there and find some sort of long-term housing in order to send their kids there. It's just not that easy.

I haven't heard from our Metairie houseguest/friend yet. The past two days he was staying with another family who finally regained power at their baton rouge home. I know that his place of work, the Sheraton in downtown New Orleans, is being used as a triage for patients from the hospital, so it must not be too damaged, so that is kinda good news... I suppose. I just don't know how they're going to get New Orleans up and running as a positive tourist destination again. It was always a dirty, crime-filled city to the rest of us that really know it, but we of course still loved going into downtown and the french quarter on weekends or days off for a good time... but who knows when the city will be drained, cleaned and bacteria free again to do that.

Anyway, in my search to try to do some sort of adopt-a-family thing, I've learned that there is something called the Angel project, which is flying families to wherever they want to go, to get housing. So those of you in the northeast and places too far to really drive that have told me that you'd love to open your home, try www.openyourhome.com or org or whatever it is and fill out a form, b/c I've heard some good happy stories of people being flown out to even Boston to stay with families, or to have churches up there put them up in an apartment. Get together with your work buddies or religious group or whatever and if you'd like to adopt a family and try to move them somewhere or put them up somewhere, or just try to buy them specific items - I'm going to try to go to the Lamar-Dixon Center which is the biggest shelter near us and find some families myself. That seems the best way so far.

I'm going to bed, long day tomorrow that includes doctor's appts now that they've found that I have gestational diabetes and more thyroid problems. Yay me. No wonder I've been feeling like crap lately instead of the great "you'll feel so good" second trimester I keep hearing about. Goodnight!

The truck that just wouldn't die

2005-09-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

For a brief break from all of this disaster, I want to share with you a disaster that we thought the Hurricane might have actually helped - my Father's truck.

If you see below a few posts ago, you'll see the red '95 Chevy Blazer that the tree landed upon and think, like the rest of us did, that it would be the end of the story for this old truck. However, this is the truck that just won't die - mostly due to its owner, my stubborn Dad.

This thing reminds me of the Toyota pickup truck that on the show "Top Gear", they tried their best to destroy - dropping it off of a building, letting it swim in the ocean, setting it on fire, and putting it on top of a building that was about to be imploded - and it still runs. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/topgear/prog25/toyota.shtml) Trucks like this only run b/c of the men who are too stubborn to let go.

This Blazer came to us from my cousin in Mississippi who bought it brand new and just couldn't keep up with the payments, so we bought it from him. I had tons of fun driving it in high school, as it was one of the first SUVs to really come out as popular, and we put hundreds of thousands of miles on this thing. I even recall naming it, "Petey". The thing is, after a car becomes over ten years old and has hundreds of thousands of miles on it, you would think about replacing it with a better vehicle. Perhaps one that doesn't break down once a month, but not my Dad.

A little history about the Blazer: for the past 2-3 years this truck has been on its last leg. I think it was 2 years ago, or maybe just a year ago, my Dad ran over something in the middle of the road that damaged the under chassis. The insurance company said that the cost to fix it is worth more than the truck and they deemed it "totaled" and "unsalvageble". And now they will no longer insure it. Dad didn't care, he took his own money and fixed it and still drove it around.

This truck seems to be in the shop once a month. Dad is saying that the mechanic isn't fixing it all the way, yet he still takes it to the same guy. The guys at this fix-it shop all know his voice on the phone and know him by name, "Mr. Joe", because he is there so often. Dad says this truck runs just fine and there is no reason to get another car which will just mean more car payments and insurance payments. We've tried to donate it to one of those charities, or haul it into a "push, pull, drag" sale at the car dealership where they'll offer $3,000 for anything you can push pull or drag there... but he just won't let us.

All of the items on the dashboard don't work. No spedometer, fuel gauge, oil levels, etc. You can't drive it at night because no matter what bulbs you put in, it doesn't light up the street enough to see where you're going.

Finally, when I saw that tree on top of the truck during the Hurricane, I thought that we were going to see the end of this money-draining vehicle. But no. He has taken the truck to many places for estimates on how to fix it, and although all of the places say to just total it, they'll manage some way to fix it, for a price. And of course he's going to pay to do that.

This truck just won't die. We were at the point of figuring out how to siphon the gas out of it since we didn't think it would go anywhere and with the cost of fuel so high now... but he's driving it - he even drove it to go play 9 holes of golf, and to the store. Bent roof, broken windows, and all. I don't even think the air-conditioner works anymore.

So that is the story of the truck that just won't die, and the stubborn old man who won't give up on it. We celebrated, thinking the hurricane would end it all for this truck, but not as long as the engine starts (after ten minutes of revving and trying), and the truck runs (with loud bangs and black smoke).

News from Disaster Zone

2005-09-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Since I am seeing an obvious difference in what that National news shows (they show a very edited version of events here in order to form your opinions) and what our local news (www.2theadvocate.com and www.wafb.com) reports, I thought I'd update you on the real things.

First, there is more to Louisiana than New Orleans. There are parishes and communities with much more damage, more fatalities, and some are so leveled by the gulf of mexico that it looks as though the ocean will have taken over that land forever. So much for the prevention of our state eroding away. Here are some things I learned about these areas yesterday:

WBRZ showed some great pieces today, basically all they've been doing is bringing in people/survivors and listening to them, and also people from the LSU Hurricane center and some boaters who went into some of these parishes where the national news just isn't going (i guess b/c there isn't as much drama w/the people there, and it's not new orleans, but the outer suburbs). What I saw today was good and bad. Good, that in Metairie, where one of our house guests is from and where he left his cat, is dry now. Most of it anyway. Looks like they got some wind damage like we did here (Metairie is on the north end of new orleans). They also showed a few cats who looked healthy. Phew. Police were picking them up and taking them to a shelter to be fed and cared for. The news is that these people will be let back in to that area (Jefferson parish which is metairie and kenner where the airport is) 6am monday morning - not to live but to look at their damage. There have been crews working already to try to get power and water back up and to remove trees, and they finally removed trees from the major roads mostly.

The second piece was of Chalmette in St. Bernard Parish. I've heardly seen footage of it yet, nobody has really, b/c the nationals aren't touching it yet. And mostly I think that's b/c it has been hit so hard it is difficult to even get in there. But these guys went in with a boat and a camera and they went down every street and showed it on the tv (it's not just a news hour, the abc station is now just news nonstop to show us all this). We have a lot of evacuees here from that area and they need to know what is going on there for peace of mind, so perhaps that is why our local news is so different, they have a different audience - people who lived there and want to know what is really going on.

Anyway, Chalmette was hit hard. First, wind damage, it looks like tornadoes ripped through the place, then water to the rooftops. The water has receded some, you can see water lines where it used to be. But... dead horses and deer on balconies and rooftops, people had written help on their roofs and nobody was in sight so the boaters didn't know if they were dead or alive in their attics... they knocked and yelled but no answer. Cars and trucks were floating on top of each other, an entire house floated off of its foundation and was in the middle of a major road. Chalmette is a small towned suburbish place of New Orleans. There is a close knit community there, so close knit that other New Orleanians call them Chalmatians and joke about inbreeding because the families are so close together, and it sucks that those people are going to have to live in new places and resetablish themselves in new communities. Same w/new orleans of course but this is a new place we're finally getting to see the damage of that it seems that national news has been ignoring. I'm sure it makes those victims feel worthy just as when a certain politician suggests we don't even rebuild one of our greatest cities and ports.

And in other news:

Benefit concert is tonight. Church today was full of new families who had no where else to go. We had one of our vicar's friends who is a priest in NY speak to us, he was there for 9/11, and also is from North Carolina on the coast originally so he had some hurricane experience. Tonight they've invited people from the shelters as well as the visiting and baton rouge police departments, and the military which is mostly texas national guard who are using the baton rouge airport as their base, and we're cooking gumbo for all of them as well. Normally after church on sunday, Pete and I usually go out for lunch w/our priest, the youth minister and children's minister and a few other church staff or people like us who are usually involved in some ministry there, so today we invited the rest of the band and the NY priest, who quietly and discreetly paid for all of us on the side w/the waitress while we weren't paying attention so that we couldn't refuse. What a nice man!

I haven't watched any local news today, just last night, so no updates from that right now, although Pete and I saw about 12 big tour buses drive police escorted going north/west on I-10 from New Orleans, but they looked empty. Perhaps they're going to our downtown civic center which is overflowing with evacuees and maybe transporting them to a more permanent shelter, who knows.

And praise for Mobil/Exxon. While most gas stations in the area have tried their best to keep gas under $3.00, it is still $2.99 in most places except for these stations. They're still at $2.54 and $2.57 and even some places in baton rouge are $2.49. They quickly run out of course as there are queues of cars waiting for hours to get gas, but they don't raise the prices when they get a new tanker full. I think that is their own way of trying to help us out. Our population has tripled and these people need any break they can get. So yay for them. The Chevron is doing the same, but not all of them, just the one near us. As a matter of fact a tanker just started to pull into the one by our house so Pete is gonna go back out ina little bit to fill up. We've tried not to get gas yet but with our truck it is inevitable. With all this driving to and from shelters and our church which is located in baton rouge, we can't avoid it. At least we're not taking a lot of containers and filling them up as well like most people. They're only making the situation worse.

I have a story my mom told me about three of the evacuees who stayed the storm at a New Orleans hospital b/c their babies were in the NICU there. When they came to evacuate the babies, they only took the babies to make sure they got all of them and left the staff and mothers and other people there, so they had to find their own ways out. So these three mothers, a doctor and a nurse waded through the knee deep waters trying to get to West New Orleans where one of them had a sister who was a doctor at another hospital there (West Bank fared much better and wasn't as flooded, most of the damage was only done by looters who looted and set fires to places afterwards which of course could only burn to the ground since fire trucks couldn't get in). One of the mothers had a family-owned home in the garden district (very near the french quarter) on St. Charles Avenue so they tried to get there first. Of course they didn't want to be followed or attacked so whenever someone asked where they were going, all they'd say was "we're trying to catch a ride to Baton Rouge".

Some men, possibly police or military, picked them up in an air boat and took them to St. Charles, however it was still 11 blocks away from this house and night had begun to fall. Of course you've heard of the violence that happens there at night, especially now when there is no protection around, so they tried to be as quiet as possible and tried their best not to use their flashlights. The water has all sorts of chemicals in it, and they said it just burned and itched at their skin. Finally, they made it to the house and as quietly as possible broke in and spend the night there so that they could walk the rest of the way to the west bank in daylight at least. I think there may have been some food and bottled water there as well, I'm not sure. They had a generator but were too scared to use it b/c the noise might attract looters.

The next day they walked, I don't know how many miles, through the water towards the west bank. Finally two ladies and some children drove by in a Suburban, it looked like they had stolen it but these folks didn't care. They stopped to talk them b/c they needed a cell phone but the hospital group had just dropped the one cell phone they had in the nasty water and couldn't find it. They offered them a ride to the west bank, but once they got on the bridge, the police/military wouldn't let them drive over it. They had to abandon the vehicle and walk. Somehow they made it to the mall on that end, which had been looted and set on fire, and got in contact w/the sister/doctor at the other hospital there. She came by, gave them her car and said she had to return to the hospital, so just take the car to baton rouge. They had no idea how to get to baton rouge from there so they found a police officer and asked him, who gave them directions and repeated over and over "do NOT stop for ANYONE". They did as he said and made it into baton rouge where they went to Woman's hospital where my mom works and where the three babies were. This was the first time one of the ladies had even seen her husband and other daughter since before the storm hit when they evacuated and she stayed behind at the hospital. The hospital let them shower and gave them scrubs to wear and fed them, and now they're fine.

My mom comes home from the hospital with all sorts of stories like this. One of the women in that group had just had a C section 10 days earlier. Can you imagine all that walking in that horrible water after that? She said a lot of people are winding up at the hospital after going through some sort of similar escape and just need a shower and clothes after being in that water. They're filthy, stinky, and sickly.

If you would like to help

2005-09-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

Other than the items that the news channels are telling you, like clothing, baby supplies, medical supplies and food, you also need to think of the displaced prisoners. They are people too. This came from an email from one of our local churches where DH and I once took part in a ministry. This is a very ministry oriented church that spends their weekends tending to a large garden where they grow vegetables and fruits to give to homeless shelters.

"Chaplain Toney ofAngola has requested the following for 1700 - 2500 male and female inmateswho have been evacuated from New Orleans and surrounding parish prisons:
shampoo,
soap,
deodorant with NO ALCOHOL listed in the product ingredients
tampons
new bras (practical kind)
new underwear for men and women (practical kind)
shoes (practical kind)
pillows
towels
Chaplain Toney has called this a 'desperate need'. Charlie deGravelleshas offered his home as a distribution point for the supplies. If at all possible please donate what ever you can and deliver to Charlie byWednesday of next week. "

If you want to donate to this, email me and I'll help you by either letting you use me as a vehicle or I can give you this church's address to send money.

Time to stop flippin' out and start helpin' out

2005-09-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

I heard a radio broadcaster use that expression on the radio and I can't agree more. The news is so devastating that I've mostly stopped watching it, or at least will take a break and watch a little of Little Britain or even a cartoon to decompress. These evacuees have expressed that they don't want to be referred to as refugees, but that is exactly what they are. Although their argument is that they are Americans and cannot be called refugees, I feel like the government has turned their back on them because they are the poorest of the nation and our governor isn't the brother of the President, so in a way they are in fact just refugees.

There are many ways that you can help. A lot of people down here have expressed frustration at the Red Cross because they have asked to volunteer or donate something and nobody will return their calls or give them specific information. So most of the help is being done by area churches and organizations, and benevolent residents with a heart. If you want to donate something whether it be money or items, email me and I can give you my address or the address or phone number of an area church that is simply taking donations, going to the store, buying the items themselves and taking them to the shelters, or I can do that myself. DH and I's church is cooking breakfasts and collecting clothing and items and taking them to specific shelters in the area. We're cooking breakfast at 5am tomorrow morning for one of the shelters and buying gallons of milk and orange juice to take with us.

A few shelters have asked specifically for paperback books for these people to read, bibles, coloring books and decks of cards. If you have anything like that and want to mail it, I can give you my address or their addresses, just email me.

And if you happen to live in this area, I have the number of someone to call who is organizing housing for these relief workers. They need places to sleep in between shifts of going out to work here. Right now a lot are camping out at the mall parking lot, with tents and port-a-potties. As soon as the people staying with us regain power at their baton rouge home, we'll have a few beds open here. If you're one of my friends or family, you're welcome to come stay here and help out yourselves. Especially if you're medical personnel. They need everybody. Even people to take care of the pets housed at the LSU agriculture center (and pet supplies).

And I hate to do it b/c of all the devastation that you already hear about, but I have one more sad story to share. My mom met this evacuee in the elevator at the hospital where she works, and one of the other nurses asked him about his family. He said that they are all right, they all escaped from the rooftop of his home - but his friends nearby did not fare as well. Four of their family members could not fit through the hole to the attic so they had to let them go and drown while the smaller younger members went to the roof to be rescued. Can you imagine?

What country do I live in again?

2005-09-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

I live in a warzone... or is it a refugee camp? I can't tell, perhaps a refugee camp on the outskirts of a warzone might suffice. I feel as though I survived the London Blitz and am with the other clueless survivors as to what to do now.

The national news certainly isn't reporting everything that they should be. I wish y'all could hear our local radio and see our local broadcasts. Members of the New Orleans Police Department are here in Baton Rouge saying that they're ready to turn in their badges and never to return to New Orleans again. They're upset that they weren't prepared for something like this, and the little preparation given to them was a warning to go inside when the weather was too bad, and they received unarmed National Guardsmen to accompany them. No wonder I saw two New Orleans police officers looting themselves at the Wal-Mart on West Bank.

Our population here south of Baton Rouge has tripled, as well as in Baton Rouge itself. We live near the first civilized exit off of the interstate coming from New Orleans, so a lot of evacuees are here, camping out by the gas stations, and scarily, walking our neighborhoods making us feel as though they're eyeing what to loot here. I'd like to think the best of people, and quite honestly, the ones who did evacuate New Orleans are the nicer, law-abiding citizens who left the city with the hooligans and vastly impoverished who have no hope of rebuilding themselves once everything drains. I don't understand the violence down there, I try to justify it the best I can, but I don't think any of us can quite fathom the desperation down there. They don't have access to radio or news, they don't know what has gone on in Mississippi, or other parts of their area. They don't know that the government keeps talking about a rescue effort and they have hardly seen any part of it themselves. Not that some of them are helping by shooting the newly acquired guns from looted pawn shops either though.

My mom works here in the NICU at Woman's hospital in Baton Rouge. She is working night and day, sometimes spending the night at the hospital to make sure there is always staff for the 102 preemie and sick babies in their unit. She comes home with horrible stories told to her by the nurses who accompany the helicopters and ambulances that are evacuating babies from the New Orleans hospitals. One nurse mentioned having to be escorted by National Guardsmen with AK-47s because the flood victims down there are attacking the ambulances and shooting at the helicopters. They have had to put ID bracelets on the hospital personnel in case something happens, so that they can identify their bodies later. They have been able to evacuate most babies, but there are sad stories as well. The helicopter once fit all but one baby, who couldn't really travel anyway because he was attached to a heart/lung machine that wasn't very portable. As soon as the helicopter left, the hospital ran out of oxygen, and the baby died. They also cannot get in touch with most parents of these babies to let them know where their children are. The parents have had to evacuate before the storm and leave their baby in the hospital. Who knows when these families will be reunited.

The scene here in the 'refugee camp' area is of nothing but desperation, and these people here are faring loads better than those in New Orleans. These people not only have no home to return to, but no lives either. No job, no church family, neighbors to bbq with, local stores and familiar surroundings. And most have no money as well. What the national news is not reporting, is that New Orleans has a majority of very impoverished people, especially where most of the flooding has occured. These people don't have insurance, and right now are struggling in receiving their first of the month welfare checks since they obviously can't go out to their mailboxes and get them. The shelters here are all full, and although most have begun to get air-conditioning again, there aren't enough food, supplies or bedding. Not many have places to shower, hardly any have more than one change of clothes. Simple things like being able to brush your teeth or put on deoderant - these people aren't able to do. I see them and want to take them all home with me, but not only is this not my house, but we're already hosting three displaced people as it is. Two have homes, but without electricity, and it is way too hot to live without even a fan. The other doesn't know if he has a home or job to return to. He lives in Metairie and works at a hotel on Canal Street in New Orleans. He left his cat at his house thinking he would return the next day. No idea if his cat is surviving.

I'm struggling to be content with our government right now. As the President went and played golf today, people were being raped and beaten and shot as they waited for buses at the Convention Center, a place of higher ground where Superdome evacuees are waiting to be transported out of the city. I've seen a much faster and better response in Florida, even Iraq... so why is it taking so long to help our countrymen down here? Is it b/c they are a majority of poor people who live on the federal dollar as it is and are the reason New Orleans had two police officers to every one person? Or do the floodwaters really keep them from helping? Why would it take a week or more to send more help? A lot of us, including our state government, are finding this hard to understand. No wonder the victims are acting out in desperate measures, they don't see their government helping them one bit.

I should wrap this up, but I just wanted to find a way to express just how much I feel like I am living in a war zone right now. This isn't a war on terror, but a war on survival. I can't tell you just how much I feel fortunate for not living just 40 miles to the south.

I'd rather have a Hurricane to drink

2005-08-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Just letting y'all know that we survived the hurricane, although never again do I want to be this close and ride one out. A large tree has given us a new skylight, destroyed our roof, ceiling and attic over part of the house, and allowed for the rain to come right inside. That was at 6am. Surprisingly we didn't lose power until 7am, and got it back about 30 hours later. It was hot as hell without a/c or even a fan, and we're covered in mosquito bites now thanks to the new skylight.

I just have a few pictures to share with you, or you may view them all at:
http://photobucket.com/albums/a138/spencer_uk/Hurricane%20Katrina/

Enjoy. There is absolute devastation in our neighboring parishes and over in Mississippi. Even my relatives as north as Jackson will be without power from a week to a month. I can't describe how depressing it is to see all these evacuees here and watch them have to buy almost entire new wardrobes for their children in Wal-Mart, or sleeping bags because they're sleeping in a tent outside in the shade, waiting to be able to go back and see what is left of their homes. We got off very, very lucky and are very blessed. We have a house, electricity and power, and will only do without a kitchen and a few other rooms for a few months while they repair things (even the walls and house frame have to be redone on this side).

Go home and count your blessings. We certainly are.

2005-08-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

I took this picture right after it fell as we were trying to catch the water, it was falling everywhere, even through the light fixtures, and the wind was blowing insulation from the attic and tree leaves everywhere.

2005-08-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

Damage inside. You can't see how bad the water damaged everything or how the attic is pretty much missing, but basically we'll be without these rooms for a few months while they rebuild.

2005-08-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

The kitchen and den are on the right, breakfast nook is in the middle, garage to the left.

2005-08-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

It even knocked the brick off.

2005-08-31T14:10:00.001-07:00

Dad's Truck. In the middle of the hurricane, he ran outside to rescue his golf clubs from it right after the tree hit. As my husband said, "A man has his priorities"

2005-08-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

The garage is on the left, kitchen, den and breakfast nook on right. See how close it missed my truck?

2005-08-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

The Y shaped tree hit our garage, Dad's truck, our kitchen and breakfast nook and den, and fence.

Everyone is Summer Lazy

2005-08-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I really don't have anything to report, this is more of a way to say that, things are still going on as normal. I haven't been finding out any good news about DH's visa, apparently the US Embassy in London and National Visa Center here in the States run slow during the summer holidays. It is definitely looking as though he won't be back for the baby's birth, unless they actually do see us as a special situation and expedite process. I've written congressmen, senators, the National Visa Center and the London Embassy. The only response I got was from the NVC saying that they did receive the file and it has not been reviewed yet.

Great.

It is looking as though we will need to break down and get an immigration attorney, one who specializes in marriage-based visas, since the majority down here only seem to specialize in work visas and asylum applications. That is going to cost a lot of money I'm guessing, which we're running out of quickly. So I'm not sure what to do but pray and hope.

I am also endangering the baby's health with my stress levels, but it isn't so bad yet that the doctor has put me on bed rest or anything. He just said we have to keep watching my blood pressure just in case. Normally I have very low blood pressure but it has been pretty high b/c of the stress.

Great.

Not all is horrible, the swimming pool is put in, and we've been able to swim almost daily. The workers come by every other day or so to finish a few things such as the waterfall and the landscaping around the pool, but I have been able to get some exercise and relaxation w/the pool already. It is nice on our extremely hot days which seem even hotter to a pregnant woman.

The cats are also adjusting well. They still seem very attached to DH and I, and hardly leave our area of the house. They were supposed to return to being outdoor cats like the rest of the cats here, but thankfully my parents have been nice and have let them live indoors as they aren't causing any trouble and have proven that they don't destroy carpets or pee on things other than a kittybox and they don't spray or mark their territory. I think they're going to go a little crazy w/out DH though, they love to be stroked and held all the time, and I can only hold one cat at a time. And they are especially attached to him.

I've been feeling really crap lately, as though I have the flu but I'm guessing it's just pregnancy stuff. Dizziness and Nausea have returned with a lot of sinus problems and migraines. It was so bad that I had to miss church on Sunday, which is something I hardly miss (this church at least) because I look forward all week to going. Thursday we're supposed to have another ultrasound to check on the baby's health, and next Friday (September 2) is another doctor's appointment to check my health as well as baby's. Then on the 8th is my 27th birthday and I'll cry at being so close to 30 I'm sure.

I guess that's all. It's very hot down here, the food is good, and the pets are great. I've been dream window shopping for the baby which is one of the few things that seems to cheer me up. We've got to figure out a way for someone to throw DH a baby shower in England, someone hint to someone!

It's a .....

2005-08-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

Boy!

No, not born yet, that's just what the ultrasound says. And he was very happy to show us his very um, apparently very endowed boy parts. And that's all he wanted to show us as well, so I have to go back on Aug 25 so they can finish the ultrasound stuff of checking out the rest of his parts to make sure everything is ok and to check on the kidneys. They noticed that one kidney isn't draining as well as the other, but that happens sometimes in boys and cures itself as the fetus matures. So crossing fingers here that they're right.

The tech said, "wow he sure likes to show off his penis" and I almost blurted "just like his daddy" as flashes of DH dancing around the apartment while he air-dries after a shower bounced through my head... but I kept quiet so I wouldn't embarrass poor DH. But he's such a proud Daddy right now that he wouldn't have minded and wondered why I didn't say that out loud. Great minds think alike.

We're back here in Baton Rouge. The move was eventful, with tons of things to stress this poor pregnant woman. The first was U-haul not having a trailer for us to use even though we reserved one weeks in advance (what's the point of reserving?). The second was that the people who were supposed to take over our lease backed out at the last minute, well they backed out and didn't tell us until the last minute. It partly had to do with the landlord's apathy, which made them think it wouldn't be a good idea. He was supposed to contact them about a contract, and he didn't until it was too late. So I had ONE day to find someone. Luckily I did, but I had to lower the rent a little and we have to pay the rest of it out of our own pockets. Still, it's better than paying the entire rent.

The third, and this problem is STILL ongoing - the landlord is being a right bastard and is coming up with ridiculous ways to cheat us out of our $1000 deposit. And on top of it is asking for even MORE money. We had professional cleaners come into the apartment after we had left, yet he says we left it very dirty and some things were broken. Nothing was broken that wasn't broken before we moved in and the place was very clean before we left it to the professional cleaners. He's being too much of a bastard, and instead of calling Dh on the phone to talk to him like a man, he's emailing ME, and after DH asked him to email it to his own address so I wouldn't be more stressed about it, he continues to email me. Is it wrong to block his email address from my email?

We're going through legal aid to sort this out. He is being extremely ridiculous but there are factors that may mean that we can't do anything. Such as - we were supposed to stay until December, and our agreement to leave in August was only verbal with him. He did sign a new contract w/the new people I found, so I hope that will help us.

It's good to be back in Louisiana, although there are things about living on our own in Virginia that I really do miss... but the perks of having a new swimming pool (they're building it this week!) and a nursery basically paid for (thanks to new proud grandparents!) and living rent free and being able to not be forced to work at McDonald's while 6 months' pregnant with a baby on your sciatic nerve, beat all that stuff. And I did miss the dogs, and the church people. They're so happy we're back, they opened the service to welcome us two Sundays in a row, and they've already re-recruited Pete back into the church band. It is wonderful to be back with this church, I didn't think the church or its people would matter so much if we lived in a place we loved, but it really does make a difference. And it's nice to have the christian support network again.

Now the other bad news, that I learned today, is about DH's visa. Here is the process it needs to take now to get to permanent green card:

The National Visa Center processes this last document thingy we've had to send, and forwards it to the US Embassy in London.
The US Embassy in London processes it and sends DH a letter containing an interview date, which will be about 4-6 weeks before the actual interview date
DH has interview, medical exam, gets visa, comes home

Now some problems we're facing:

Baby boy is due Dec 9, but is measuring right now to be born even as early as November 24
DH's temporary visa ends Aug 17 meaning he's gotta go back to England, he can overstay a few weeks so we can use a cheaper plane ticket but any more than that and we'll be risking it

And the HUGE #1 problem I learned today:

The London Consular website is saying it takes about 12 weeks from the National Visa Center sending the file to them giving an interview date.
DH might miss the birth of our baby
Can I cry now?

There are a few factors we need to consider though:

I did write to them about our 'special circumstance', waiting to hear back.
sometimes they put outrageous timelines on their website so we don't get too impatient and bother them
but I asked this forum I belong to that is full of people going through the thing like us, and they have basically said that yeah, 12 weeks sounds about right

So, that's all for now. I'm spending my days enjoying cable television, Laguna Beach and My Sweet Sixteen on MTV, and finally we get Little Britain on BBCAmerica (which comes out on DVD today for us in the States!!!! Ahem, BIRTHDAY PRESENT!), researching this legal stuff, and being sick, fatigued, and hurting from the baby on my sciatic nerve. It's tough being pregnant! Little Boy is kicking and hiccupping and punching a lot, although DH can't feel it on the outside quite yet. He can feel something but isn't sure if that's me breathing or my blood flow or the baby. Hopefully he'll feel it soon.

I think we're close to deciding on a name. It's not a name I picked out b/c I just love it, it's a name DH picked out and I didn't veto it and now it is growing on me. I'll tell you the name I absolutely love and DH has majorly vetoed - Noah. Noah Benjamin or Noah Matthew. Isn't that the best? Sigh. I'm trying to bargain with DH that if we use his favorite pick this time, that I can name the second (yay Noah!)... he agrees but that's because he thinks I'll change my mind. I'm not really sure about telling y'all the first name choice just yet. I don't want anyone opinions to sway it, it's OUR son not yours! Then again, DH told a lot of people, and the more people in my family who have made a face and said they didn't like it, the more I DO like it and now it is really growing on me. The in-laws know b/c DH emailed it to them, but we're thinking of a longer version and calling him that shorter version, if that makes sense. The longer version means "God is Good" and that's exactly how we feel about this baby. God certainly did remind us that we live on His timeline and not our own, and that makes us feel that this baby is even more special, because for some reason, God wants us to have him Now instead of a few years from now. What a blessing to be reminded that we're in God's plan this way! I'll stop now so all you 'heathens' will stop rolling your eyes :-). (I really don't mean 'heathens' hope you know that!)

Who would fire a pregnant lady?

2005-07-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

My boss would! That is a reason I haven't been around to update. To make a long story short:

I've been forced to resign. The University moved my salary from the grad school to the dept, and the Director has been trying to get rid of me since (he's a penny-pincher), and since I'm probationary, he didn't even have to give me a reason. Now that I'm gone, he is merging my job into someone else's, and that person is going to quit soon b/c it's too much for one person without any payraise.

It's okay though. The Director is a bastard, I can accept that. Professors have been trying to get him fired for a while, and this added fuel to their fire. At least 4 of them told me they were writing to the new Dean to complain, and they gave me recommendation letters to take w/me. Since they are the ones I work with and not the Director, I know that I did a great job but just had another b for a boss.

We're moving the weekend of July 30/31st back to Baton Rouge. We had planned to do this anyway before all that fit hit the shan at my job. One thing I have to make clear though, is that this moving to VA thing is not something that 'didn't work out'. It DID work out, I think we definitely needed this opportunity to be on our own and far away from both families to grow together and depend only on each other to strengthen our marriage (not that we weren't strong before but it's always nice to bond even more). And well frankly, Virginia IS for Lovers as the motto says, we did make a baby here after all!

So there you go, I don't want to hear anymore "I'm sorry it didn't work out", everything has worked out, this miracle surprise of a baby is just changing our lives sooner than we had expected, but we welcome that change and our move to a cheaper area with family and support around is more of a priority than to live in the DC area where the price of a 1 bedroom apt costs more than a 4 bedroom house in Louisiana. We're happy with our decision and I think it is the right decision for right now. Plus the parents are getting a swimming pool put in, what could be better than that???

In other news, we're facing a big obstacle with DH's visa. We had applied for the original permanent green card three years ago. That is still being processed, and we're at the very last steps right now. However, it is clear that it won't arrive until one-2 months or more after his current temporary visa expires. Which means, once again we will be in the different countries, but hopefully not for too long. DH hasn't seen England in two years and misses his friends and family who haven't been able to visit (along w/the ones who have managed to visit), it will be good for him to have the chance to see everyone again, and to see his mum's new house in person. He has been so wonderful to me during this pregnancy, I can't imagine going through this without him... however this is just an obstacle and once it is over, our three+ year battle with immigration should be over (until we deal with registering a baby with the UK Embassy and try to move back over there one day).

My pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I'm in week 20 right now, halfway through. Part of me is ecstatic, but the other part of me is getting scared. 20 more weeks until our life changes forever and I'll find out just how clueless I really am about being a mother. Not to mention all of my fears of the actual birth and the after-effects, but I'm ignoring that for now.
We should find out the gender in about 3 weeks when I have the big ultrasound, if the doctor can fit me in then, that is, and if the baby is cooperative. I'm having the usual symptoms, not so sick but tons of back and leg and tummy pains from the baby being on my sciatic nerve and ligament stretching to make more room for the baby. Sometimes I feel so bloated that I feel like there isn't any room for more growth, but somehow my tummy keeps growing. I now can no longer fit my normal clothes and am fully into maternity now. I'm hoping I'm starting to look pregnant instead of just extra fatty, but I just can't tell.

Nothing else really to say, I read the new Harry Potter in about three days, and it was hard to stretch it out that long. I'm upset with this book but I won't say anymore. DH is reading it now, and I can't wait for him to finish so I can discuss it with him. He's afraid to talk about it w/me because I might accidentally let something slip.

I need to pack something else, hopefully I can be online more to update more often. It beats watching soap operas and Family Feud all day.

Week 16 Dr's appt

2005-06-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to check in and say that although the Nurse Practitioner at my OB's office treats me like a hypochondriac, my appt went well. So well, that we were able to hear the heartbeat again. DH, who missed out on hearing the heartbeat last time, was in no way going to sit in the waiting room again while I get checked out. He sat right by while the NP poked and prodded, and I think he now has some respect for what women go through in their annual appts ;). He looked a bit perturbed at one point and asked, "Does that hurt?" Poor guy already seems to put so much guilt on himself for knocking me up whenever I have any sort of pregnancy pain or problem, I'm a little worried how he'll take Labor.

Anyway, the best part of the appt of course was the heartbeat, which at 150bpm, sounds just like a galloping horse with a few thuds (kicking baby) in between. According to the old wives' tale about heartbeats, this one is a boy. We'll see how true that is in 4 more weeks when we get the big ultrasound. What has made all of this pain so worth it now, is the look on DH's face when he got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. He is a very happy, very very proud Daddy which makes me a very happy Mom.

That's all for now unless you want to hear about tales of constipation, the return of morning sickness, daily migraines that are untreatable, or sciatica.

Baby Stuff

2005-06-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

I just can't put into words just how excited I am about this baby, but to put things into perspective, I have to tell you how I initially felt.

As you know, this was quite a surprise. DH and I didn't plan on children until 2-3 more years, when we were more financially stable and maybe actually owned a place to live in rather than renting. I was on birth control, and DH and I shared conversations about how we can't wait to have children - in the distant future when we've grown up ourselves.

So imagine my surprise when I found out sitting in the doctor's office on April Fools' Day. I thought I was there b/c my pains were Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or some horrible thing that would make me not be able to have children, and DH thought the same. We had no clue.

And when the doctor said those words, and I made him repeat it, my very very first thought was, "it's okay, I'll miscarry anyway so I won't have to be a mom yet." I just assumed that would be my luck, and I was fine with that. I wasn't ready, DH and I weren't ready.

Then the doctor said, "Congratulations" and a tiny fear jumped in me. Fear that I actually liked the idea of being pregnant. And of course fear that I'd have to tell DH and I thought he might be upset since we weren't ready.

The first couple of weeks after that I went back and forth from "It's not real, I'm so sure I'll miscarry anyway," to, "Oh. My. God. What am I going to do?" With all of the anxiety and fear, I remember faking enthusiasm when I told my boss why I was out so much. Deep down, my fear wouldn't let me feel excited.

Now, with every week that passes without a miscarriage, I feel so thankful and ecstatic. I'm still going crazy emotionally and have all the yucky symptoms pregnant women complain about - but now I'm actually looking forward to the end result, and I can't imagine life without this prospect of a child in our family.

I don't know what changed it all, maybe mommy instinct is settling in, or maybe seeing that ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat has made this less surreal. It still freaks me out to imagine a little person growing inside me, and from what I've seen and heard of labor, I'd rather little person grow outside of me.

But I look at DH and can't wait to see him as a father, and I can't wait to be a family of 3. I don't care about career and money anymore, I just want to be a mommy. What the heck happened?

To be committed or not...

2005-06-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

I feel as though it is time to update, but I have so many things going on at the moment that this is going to be a jumbled list I suppose.

Trip to Baton Rouge was awesome. It was wonderful and stress free being able to not worry about work and cope with my pregnancy symptoms with patience and time. My mom is working with 15 pregnant nurses right now (I told her they must have put fertility drugs in the hospital water fountain to gain more business since it's a Woman's Hospital) so I got to go baby stuff shopping with her for those baby shower gifts. My sister Cresta came to visit, and I did have the uncomfortable realization that since she is the only one in the family left who still smokes, and smokes constantly, I'm going to have to face telling her I don't want her around my baby if she has smoked that day (for some reason the smell just sticks to her like glue and does not cease). She's not going to like it, but it's my baby.

The meeting w/the Airline boss went well, but nothing is happening yet. Just promises of stuff to happen soon. Like August. We'll see.

College reunion, once I returned from Baton Rouge, was interesting. At first the college intimidated the hell out of me, and the sight of the same snobby B's that I couldn't stand before just made my stomach turn. Slush came w/me and felt the same way. But later on things got better when we hung out with different people and I came away with a smile. I'm a little disappointed that 4 years hasn't changed any of the B's to be a little more accepting and less cliquey, but oh well.

Once I returned, work has been nothing but a nightmare, getting 1000% worse each day. I really thought that I had improved over the past 6 months and had settled into my place here. I had a great 6 month performance review w/little boss while big boss was out of the country, and I spent Monday in a training class for Dreamweaver to do web design which was to be added to my job duties. Unfortunately, things started to turn uglier by the minute. Little boss asked me to miss my second training class on Tuesday to switch job duties w/another person in our office. We were told this just had to be done by the end of the summer so we were trying to just do it gradually. Instead, we threw ourselves into each other's job Tuesday and will sort out the headache later I suppose.

Then big boss came for a meeting. Basically, he told me how awful I was, how disappointed he is in my performance, and that I have an attitude that makes me say things are overwhelming when I just need to shut up and do it. Then he tore up my great 6 month review and had little boss bring in an exact opposite one, giving me an awful review. I was also threatened to be fired about 3 times.

About the 'this is overwhelming' attitude - little boss came to me one day and asked me to be honest about how i felt about this job duty change. I told her it seemed overwhelming, but with time I thought we could do it and we'll be fine. I don't know if she relayed it differently to him or what, but that's what he got out of it I guess. He also blamed me for other things that I know I didn't do and said it was b/c of my attitude... but I didn't argue just so he wouldn't have something else to say about my 'attitude'.

It felt like they were tying cement blocks to my feet and pushing me into the nastiest, dirtiest river they could find. I still feel as though I'm floating to the bottom. It's not easy to return to a job where you are seen as a complete failure with no potential. Especially not someone with my mental problems as it is. Now, I've had horrible thoughts about myself that I haven't had in years, and it scares me. I know what I need to do to help myself, but I need my mom's help and she isn't very helpful when it comes to things like this. She'd rather ignore that I have any sort of mental problems and tells me to just get over it. I'm assuming b/c she's been there at my age and just doesn't want to believe her daughter has the same thing. Anyway, I need to call her and ask for help, but what's stopping me is knowing that she isn't going to respond in the way that I need.

Thank God I have Pete. That's all I can say. For my health and the baby's health, thank god there is Pete.

As far as pregnancy goes, I'm on day 1 of week 14 and my nausea is worse than ever. I went three months without really throwing up, but now that spell is broken. It isn't fun to throw up in the glass of water that you're drinking, that's all I can say.

I just want the next two months to go as fast as possible, if we can make it to August, then I feel like we can move back to Louisiana with some dignity. I need a break from work to work on my mental issues before this baby comes, and I can't do that here. I'd move tomorrow but I want to somehow make them like me here before I go, and Pete wants to see a concert here in August. Pray that I make it.

Pregnancy Week 12

2005-05-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

How little bird is growing:

Nail works. Last week nail beds formed at the tips of your little one's fingers and toes. This week, fingernails actually start to grow from those nail beds and will continue to grow until birth. Many babies are actually born with long fingernails that need to be trimmed soon after delivery.

Parts in place. The truly critical period for your little one's development is coming to a close. By the end of this week, the monumental task of growing new body structures will be complete. All the parts are there, from the pinky fingers to the little toes. Even the sex organs have developed, though it's too soon for an ultrasound to determine if you're carrying a girl or a boy.

Lights out. By this week, the eyelids have formed and will close. They'll remain fused together until late in your second trimester.

Measuring up. For the next 28 weeks, your little one's job is to keep growing and developing. This week your baby weighs 0.3 to 0.5 ounce and measures around 2.5 inches.

You just don't know how much I want to know right now if boy or girl. Although, DH and I seem to disagree mostly on baby names for girls. I've become very attached to my grandmother's name, but I'm afraid to say it in case anyone will shut it down. I think I'll keep it to myself for a while and then announce it once the baby is born. That way, nobody can look at a newborn baby and say "I don't like your name". Bwahahahaha, that's my evil plan.

As far as pregnancy goes, I've turned into such a pregnant bitch. Not to DH, but everyone else, especially my students at work. Don't feel sorry for them though, I should've been a b to them in the first place, but pre-pregnancy I was just too nice. Now, they're not bothering me as much. So there you go.

I fly to Baton Rouge tonight to visit my family and some friends and the SPoos for a week. I think DH will spend the time bonding w/his Playstation2. That's fine, he can play it all he wants while I'm gone, as long as he goes to work and showers when necessary.

Progress in a wet paper bag

2005-05-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still spending my precious time occupying my anxiety with the tiny but there risk of taking an antidepressant while Pregnant.

I wish I had a better resource of health professionals to ask, but sadly I belong to an HMO where I get 30 seconds with each, and none of them want to say anything definite. Why leave something up to somebody who is NOT medically qualified? I don't mind making my own decision about natural birth vs. ~~happy~~ medicated birth, but I'm not informed enough or educated enough to make a decision about whether or not taking Zoloft will hurt my baby or worse, have the baby come out a little crazy, like me.

Also, as I am nearing the end of the first trimester, the more I worry that I've already lost my baby. No, I have no signs of miscarriage, but the nausea is letting up (don't get too excited, I mean that I can eat a piece of chocolate now and actually swallow without gagging). And I just have that feeling, that nothing alive is in my belly anymore. It worries me, but I won't be able to see an OB until the first week of June. It would serve me right, for telling people that I'm pregnant before I got out of the first trimester.

The progress though, is that I spoke to my old airline boss (TransCaribbean Airways- the airline that never flew). He claims that they actually will begin flying in August, with domestic flights (New Orleans to Nashville to include another region to have access to the islands) beginning in October. He wants me back as his executive assistant of marketing, in charge of Public Relations again, and he wants to hire Pete on the Freight side. Of course, he didn't say when, but asked when we were moving back to Baton Rouge and made promises like he wouldn't make me travel a lot with a baby at home, so he'd put me in charge of U.S. operations until I was ready to take on either the Islands, Spain or England (which would be years ahead anyway). It all sounds great, but ever since I first interviewed for that job, I've heard it all before. Flights will begin next month, blah blah blah. It never happened, and the aviation industry isn't picking up either. It was the only job I ever loved, and he was the best boss. So, fingers are crossed. It means we would move back to Baton Rouge, and probably for a longer time. The office will most likely be in New Orleans so eventually we'd move, maybe into our own house, closer to New Orleans - and in a few years, maybe back to England. We'll see. I've heard it all before, but this time I'm hoping he's right. I'm going to try to meet w/him when I go to Baton Rouge for a visit next week, and we can talk about it. Last time I spoke to him, he offered a pretty high salary, and he is the boss I would most rather have when pregnant or taking maternity leave. So, let's hope!

This weekend I'm having a girly window shopping day with Slush. Let's hope I have enough energy and don't wimp out on her.

Psych Help

2005-05-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

Saw the psychiatrist today who sent me on a rollercoaster.

I went in with infinite knowledge of Pregnancy and Antidepressants from my own research and talking to my OB and Doctor about it (who think it would be fine to take one of the drugs considered safer than the rest). We spoke a little bit and the first thing my Psychiatrist told me was to quit my job, or take a break for six months to a year, for the health of the baby and my own emotional health.

So my fears have been confirmed. I am too crazy to keep this job right now. While I welcome to opportunity to not deal with this stress and work on my own emotional health which I hope would help my husband as well (who would probably benefit from seeing me slightly happier), it is my job that provides the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave (albeit paid at 60% only) and my health insurance.

We'll get back to that later, meanwhile, I'm busy trying to convince the psychiatrist that life without the antidepressants has been just impossible. The more I speak to her, the more she realizes that I should be on at least something, so she agrees. However, she has to scare me first.

Liability and all. She's just trying to avoid malpractice.

So she spends the rest of my appointment warning me about taking antidepressants while pregnant. Sure there is a tiny, tiny, miniscule chance that anything would happen to my baby - but what if that happened to my baby? Am I ready for that risk? Is my husband ready for that risk?

Immediately I feel my blood pressure rising and my headache from crying just throbs even more. No longer am I confident about all the studies that I have read and what my OB doctor told me. Now I'm worried, will I ruin my child's life by delivering a down's syndrome child just because I didn't want to spend the pregnancy in the depths of despair and possibly in the path of self-harm? How selfish can I be????

Why is motherhood so damn difficult? 11 weeks of being a mother and I'm already ready to commit myself in an institution. No wonder my sisters and I thought we were driving our mother into a straight-jacket - we were working on that from the womb without even trying. We should just be amazed right now at how sane our mother sometimes seems to be.

After visiting w/the psychiatrist, I had another breakdown on the way to work from her office in speaking to my husband - who although tries his damndest to understand chemical imbalances and depression, still tries to cure everything with a kiss and telling me just how illogical it is to think the way the depressed-me feels. Poor flower just doesn't understand it, and he's not the only one - but his mouth sure gets him into a heap of trouble when he thinks he understands. It all ended with more crying, and a frappuccino from Starbucks (my new crack), and us discussing me waiting until two more weeks to begin taking the meds (Zoloft 100mg) that the psychiatrist described.

I've wasted most of my day at work doing more research on Zoloft and pregnancy, and can't find a happy medium with what I've read. About 95% of reports and studies and articles from Doctors that I have read, say that Zoloft is perfectly fine - the problem is that it has only been around since 1992, so they don't know the long-term effects, but that in comparison to the rest of the antidepressants, Zoloft is one of the safest. There have been some negative findings in studies done on animals who are fed 10 times the adult dosage and their offspring, but it is still minimal, and the human studies have not shown any negative effects - yet. The other 5% are the wishy-washy kind that just say not enough studies have been done.

So what to do - risk my job, marriage, and the ability to not do self-harm to not have that tiny risk to the baby -- or have that tiny risk to the baby? No doctor is going to give me a non-liable answer. They don't want to take responsibility. My Psychiatrist knows depression, but doesn't know pregnancy (she admitted). My OB knows pregnancy but not depression. And they have conflicting ideas of what to do.

So today I am feeling even worse than yesterday, thanks to my attempts at getting professional help.

DH would rather I quit my job to relieve that stress and do without the drugs - but who is to say that no job equals sane lady? To be honest, all I want to do is go home to nurse Mommy, curl up in bed, watch daytime tv, and spend the afternoons playing with the most therapeutic Standard Poodles in the world. But I guess that's not what a pregnant 26 year old married woman is supposed to do. That's why life sucks sometimes. Plus I'd miss autumn in a place that actually has it. And isn't it silly that after all of this, that is what ultimately keeps me here? Leaves changing colors.

Maybe we should move back to England where DH will definitely be happy, healthcare is free (albeit a little dodgy by American healthcare standards but I heard they give pregnant ladies in labor a bath before giving labor, doesn't that sound nice?), and baby will have a handwritten birth certificate, which is just darn cute.

And thus you have seen the mind of a certified crazy lady. I hope you enjoyed it.

Baby check-in

2005-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

I'm nearing the end of my 10th week, and my depression has been worse than ever.

In between brief moments of "We're having a baby" happiness, I seem to fall thousands of feet into a dark abyss of sad, and shame for feeling that way. I feel as though I am two people - one tsking and shaking her head at the other who is drowning in despair. One feeling ashamed and fearful for the other who is headed straight for the looney bin.

I've even begun to hate our apartment, probably b/c I associate it with the place where I crash in between going to work - another place I hate, or at least is the source of most of my anxiety and stress. I never look forward to going into our apartment anymore. No longer can I view it was our accomplishment - getting out and living on our own - but now it is some sort of prison where I'm stuck and suffocate while preparing to go to work. DH parks the truck in the parking lot and I break down in tears sometimes because I just can't go in.

I see myself going through this and wonder what happened. Why am I feeling like this and going through this? Isn't there a sane person underneath it all? Or perhaps there never was, and my brain is finally taking over. I feel so desperate and hopeless, and nothing I do helps.

I can list more positives in my life right now than anyone looking at this. I know how blessed I am more than you could guess. I remind myself of this everyday, several times a day, yet it doesn't help. It is really the pregnancy hormones, or am I just this crazy? How can I raise a child while I am this crazy? I belong in an institution. If it weren't for my husband's love and care, I probably would be in a padded cell right now, or somewhere worse.

Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist, and I hope she gives me something. Even my OB (well, the third one I saw since my HMO won't allow me to see the same one over again) thought it was crazy that when the psychiatrist took me off of my antidepressants, that she didn't put me on a different one that has been found safe with pregnancy. There are at least two kinds out there, and one of them has worked well for me in the past. If my psych doesn't put me on it, I hope that I can keep my temper.

I'm wearing down my husband as well. He feels underappreciated, even though I've tried my best to appreciate what he does. I think this is an example of the language barrier between us, however. I tell him nonstop just how much what he does for me means to me, so it hurt my feelings to hear he felt underappreciated - yet our argument revealed that to him, underappreciated means overworked. He does everything and has nobody to complain to (he won't complain to me). To me, it means that I'm not letting him know how much I appreciate what he does. So we had a very silly argument arguing over two very opposite things. It didn't last long, probably a stoplight on the way home.

I go to Baton Rouge in a little over a week for a short visit. I hope it will relieve my stress and anxiety and help me feel less hopeless. Work has become more difficult to put up with (long story about a boss who doesn't understand our jobs), and the sooner I get out of here, the better.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely excited about this baby. It's just that all the exercise, fresh air, and thinking positive in the world can't change the way I feel - and that makes me feel more hopeless than ever. I just hope my baby doesn't inherit my crazy chemical imbalance. Things will be perfect if it inherits everything from DH.

Notice

2005-05-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

To all women who have been pregnant before:

It is in the best interest of your physical health to NOT tell me that you weren't sick at all and had no problems during your pregnancy. If you do, please duck quickly to miss the back of my hand hitting your face.

Thank you.

And second notice -

Dearest OLDest auntie Dalene:

Please refrain from telling me how my super-cousin's superwoman wife is starting law school while 5 months pregnant and taking care of renovating their second house and their 2 year old daughter. I'd rather not know, and rather not feel how much of a failure that makes me. Thanks for making a pregnant woman feel pathetic for feeling sick.

And to the rest of you - Please send lots of sympathy and understanding to my mind going crazy, my stomach not wanting to eat anything yet making me sick if I don't, and my body being so exhausted that I am winded and sore from carrying in a few groceries. And be extra sympathetic and understanding to how I can't sleep at night because I am never comfortable, and how my fingers are tingling nonstop (do not say it's just a pinched nerve, it's a pregnancy symptom, I read it!).

Do not proceed to tell me 'how odd' or 'really? when i was pregnant i was fine'. Or you will face the consequences.

Thank you.

There are no doubts

2005-05-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

as to whose baby this is. Not that there would be anyway since Pete and I have been in a committed relationship for at least the past 5 years, but if I were a Jerry Springer guest, he wouldn't even need DNA testing - just the ultrasound tape.

Most of you know my husband's goofy dance moves. It seems to be some sort of family bonding that occurs when he and his sister are in a bar with music and they'll share goofy dance steps all night. There's no stopping them.

So yesterday when the new OB stuck that horrible painful dildo looking internal ultrasound thingy where the sun don't shine - I saw baby. And baby was dancing - Just.Like.Daddy. At 9 weeks, the baby barely has limbs, but yesterday afternoon they were swinging and pumping away, and I swear I even saw baby do a flip and land in a split. There's no question, this baby already has Daddy's dance moves.

Speaking of ultrasounds, seeing baby on the screen made me feel incredibly embarrassed for how I had been complaining about my pregnancy. Some of my friends had misinterpreted my complaining to mean that I didn't want the baby when the truth was - I just didn't want to put up with the 9 months of pain to get baby. Of course I want baby. Ever since I found out, I've been wondering and imagining just how much Mommy love will swell in me, and thinking that I've already reached that point.

I had it completely wrong.

The second I saw my 2.4 centimeter Little Bird dancing away, I felt so overwhelmed with Mommy love. Which I now understand consists of a helluva lot of worry. Just look at all that extra uterus space, what if Little bird bumps his/her head? Am I giving baby enough room for all that disco fever? How on EARTH am I going to keep baby safe when it's out of that protective circle? Oh man, how did we ever manage to make such a beautiful little screen blob?

In between all of those emotions I had to calm myself down and convince myself that I would be okay if we lost baby. The first Dr. couldn't see my ovaries and immediately thought baby was IN the ovary. She made us rush to radiology for an emergency external ultrasound (those are much more comfortable by the way) where the tech also could not find ovaries and left me lying there under a pile of ultrasound goo next to a freeze frame of dancing baby, to get yet another doctor to see.

Two more ultrasounds later (internal and external), they decided that I just had gas hiding the ovaries and baby is okay, and due December 9. And although I bathed, I am still finding ultrasound gel in crevices that I didn't know I had.

It helps the excitement to see DH looking at the ultrasound pictures with the biggest smile I've ever seen him have. I can see he's proud and also full of that worry-love as well.

In the meantime, I still have every pregnancy horrible symptom known to woman. I finally got drugs for the nausea, but they're the kind that knock you out for hours even if you only take half. I guess there's nothing for the working pregnant woman to do but tough it out, go certifiably crazy from being expected to tough it out, and cry every night from frustration like I do.

I did, however, find a temporary cure for nausea when I'm at home - popsicles. It's like chewing flavored ice, and works wonders on my tummy when I can't eat anything else. I'd bring them to work but I don't think it's professional to have a huge orange/red or purple clown lipped face and tongue all day.

News or not, here I am

2005-05-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a little scared to write in the blog today b/c I've been so depressed. Work has been the evil little cause, and I see no solutions in the near future.

Apparently, although I am having enough trouble as it is being pregnant and having to come into work and work an 8+ hour day, seeing a therapist AND a psychiatrist for my depression during this, and having trouble w/the learning curve to my new job - the Director decided to double my job duties b/c my office-share chick is stressed.

I'm stressed too, but the difference is that I haven't expressed my stress to work people in fear of losing my job. It has only worked against me. Now I am beyond stressed. I can't finish a thing b/c I feel so overwhelmed right now, and I have 10 different people barking at me to complete separate projects YESTERDAY. In the meantime I still cannot eat and have the shakes from allowing my blood sugar to drop so much from not eating not the count the horrible nausea I get when my stomach is empty.

Do you know how awful it is to force-feed yourself a saltine? And speaking of saltines - I AM SICK AND BLOODY TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME TO EAT SALTINES TO HELP MY NAUSEA. THEY ARE BLOOMIN' PROBLEM, NOT THE FREAKIN' ANSWER!

Oh, and did I mention my temper? Yeah, that may be getting a little out of hand as well.

It hasn't helped that I overheard DH tell one of his family members that he is sick and tired of having to do everything. I try to help around the house, but it is really less possible than one may imagine in my condition. I apologize over and over to DH and try not to request him to do anything - except the kitty box b/c I'm not allowed to touch the kitty litter and the smell makes me nauseous after a cat has freshly crappd in there... and he smiles and says it's no problem and give me a kiss.

So, I have some issues to talk about with DH. We had also agreed on things like the possibility of moving closer to my family where everything is cheaper and we will be able to afford a family much easier - at least for the first few years when a good free neighborhood school system doesn't matter, then consider either moving back here or to England then - and he seemed happy about it. Overheard him telling a family member - he's not so happy about it.

To all the DHs out there - be honest with your pregnant wives, or the lies will come back to haunt you when your wives' hormone levels are at the highest, which is much worse than lying at the time to appease your wife - Trust me.

We've solved the Playstation2 problem, and at the moment I don't have to sell it. I have bigger fish to fry anyway -

This is the scariest part of my pregnancy, and I must warn you, it's horrendous -

Ready?

Like, really, ready?

Okay, here goes...

THERE IS UNEATEN CHOCOLATE IN OUR HOUSE THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT.

Good chocolate, like british kit-kats, boxes of Mint chocolate covered Oreo cookies, homemade brownies that DH made, and Magic Shell with ICE CREAM!

I want none of it. No appetite for it whatsoever. I hear my Mum-in-law thinking how lovely that is, but I am scared to death about it. This isn't me, and this certainly isn't what I thought would be the pregnant me! I eat chocolate, I live on chocolate, I use the seratonin-inducing chocolate to be happy... and I can't eat it! Don't want it, don't even want to look at it. What's a woman to do???

This is so damn frustrating. I am STARVING, and have the shakes from low blood sugar. All I have in front of me is a peanut butter sandwich DH made for me b/c this morning I couldn't think about food when he was making my lunch. Now, the smell of peanut butter (Note - my second favorite food next to chocolate, normally) makes me sick. I've got to eat, and there's nothing appetizing in sight. I'm frustrated.

Someone send a cure, quick. I'll trade you my useless birth control pills.

How to Eat

2005-05-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

The general idea I had of a pregnant woman was that she would have no problem eating anything, ever. Of course there would be the occasional morning puke in the toilet, but after the morning the preggo would just be hungry all day and eat everything in sight.

That was the part of pregnancy that I was looking forward to. Eating things I would otherwise have no excuse or reason to eat. Things I loved to eat before pregnancy but felt guity about and would get looks from DH if I tried to eat it. Things that I couldn't wait to eat using the reason, "Don't tell a pregnant woman what she can and can not eat!". I was excited.

So now I'm confused about my problem. I never in my 26 years had trouble eating food. Even when I was so ill with flu or pneumonia, I could scarf down anything and not throw up or even feel nauseous about it. But now, at a possible (*Ultrasound still hasn't confirmed it) two months pregnant, I have to force-feed myself even a saltine cracker.

The problem isn't that I'm just not hungry, it is that my body just will not allow me to eat anything without consequence. I must eat, or the nausea will overwhelm me when my stomach is empty, but I can not eat. Not even my favorite cereal, the brownies my husband made for me, or McDonald's fries are appetizing anymore. I will crave a certain food for days and beg my husband for it... then after he buys it and I either look at it or take a bite, I realize that I just can't eat it.

What's a pregnant woman to do? I have to eat for the nutrition, and I have to keep my stomach from becoming empty, but there isn't a food in the world that I can easily force myself to eat. Baby doesn't want food, baby wants to learn the basics of anorexia early. I've lost ten pounds in this pregnancy already (not that you can tell, I look as though I've gained twenty), but apparently that's not a path I'm supposed to take.

The only thing that keeps me going are my crave-spurts. For the past few days I have been able to eat Pepper Jack Doritos and a Slurpee from 7-11. Not healthy, I know, but you try eating healthy when you can't even take a bite of a saltine without dry-heaving. I've tried all of the methods other moms and the pregnancy books say - Suck on a peppermint, drink green tea, sip ginger ale, eat saltines (HAH! more like shove them down your throat and chew while trying not to think about spitting them up)... they don't work. I know every pregnancy is different but why couldn't this one thing just be easy? Why is it so hard to eat all of a sudden after 26 years of finding it hard NOT to eat? The one time in my life when my doctor TELLS me I have to eat, I can't.

Although, right at this moment, I am craving fried chicken. I doubt I'll be able to eat any once it is in front of me, but will someone take me to Popeyes please?

Let's play a game

2005-04-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

Called how long will DH live while his wife is Pregnant.

DH was doing so well lately, that I never thought we'd have to play this game.

Except, for today:

Wife is sick, nauseated and exhausted at work. DH is supposed to pick her up at 5pm. At 5:30 wife calls DH, no answer. Wife calls DH on house phone, no answer. DH calls back while wife is in the bathroom.

6:00pm, Wife calls DH and reaches him on the mobile. Did he fall asleep from working so hard cleaning the apartment on his afternoon off and forget to set an alarm and is on his way to pick up wife NOW?

No.

DH was busy playing a Playstation2 game. Did he realize his error and immediately rush to pick up sick, exhausted pregnant wife from work to relieve her stress sooner than later?

No. "I'm just finishing up now."

Excuse me? You're NOT picking up wife to continue playing your game? Wife no longer gets overtime. Wife is so exhausted all the time that she misses too much work from not being able to get up in the morning. Wife needs bed rest NOW.

Wife is sitting at work, head over trash can spitting up, and head in arms, waiting for DH to finish his DAMN PLAYSTATION GAME.

Next to sell on ebay - Playstation 2 - from a Pregnant wife saving her husband's life.

Newsflash

2005-04-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

My head is aching so badly that I just may move my desk to the office kitchen and stick my head in the freezer.

Or take the two extra strength tylenol in my desk despite knowing it is only recommended to take the regular strength. Screw that shit, the people who recommend that stuff are MEN and MEN don't fucking give birth.

I'm so sick of people telling me to ask my doctor before I do anything. I have common sense, I can read, and I know when to stop neglecting my body of something before I have a horrible blood pressure raising meltdown. I fear that I just may strangle my OB as well just for spite, the first time I meet him/her.

And speaking of, I missed my ob appt today. I thought it was in the pm, it was in the am. Shit. So now I have to go see a nurse practitioner who has a name I can't pronounce or tell if it's a man or woman, and wait three more days to find out if this thing causing me so much pain is alive or at least will stay alive enough for people to buy me presents.

And for the record - although I loved country fried steak last week, now it is evil. So is corn, and mashed potatoes. And finally, I think I've gone off my horrible McDonald's craving (thank GOD!). Now it is ... well hell I don't even know. I'm hungry and know I need to eat, but NOTHING seems appetizing. I just sent DH half an hour out of his way to get me a certain place's chicken. (Chick-fil-a if you MUST know). We'll see if I haven't gone off it before he comes back.

I'm selling all my useless while pregnant crap on ebay. I'll let you know the listing once I do it. I'm hoping the listing will be clever enough for money-wasters to stop by.

I love Slush

2005-04-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

In my e-mail this morning -

"and when the hell are you guys gonna register for baby fixin's so I can spend my damn money???

I mean, really Ash. SHAMEFUL. They take kids away from parents who don't shamelessly use them for personal profit.

GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!!"

Everybody has that friend who they just have to keep close to them for their sanity and entertainment, and Slush is one of mine. Right now she's really the only one since I've been too lazy to stay in contact with the others (childhood best friend, college roommate who has seen my cats more recently than seeing me, and high school best friend who still lives in Japan w/her Air force family). Slush is the only friend who sent Pete and I a wedding present, and has already sent us a baby gift (a memory book that made me cry when I opened it). She remembers birthdays and anniversaries, gave me the advice about bankruptcy, has a Dad who is local that I want to adopt since mine is so far away, a brother who calls himself Bubba, and is going to be a kick-ass rich attorney someday who will handle our friend's divorces from pilots and my trial when I strangle my psychiatrist for taking me off of my anti-depressants.

Slush, you're awesome. I'm glad that you're starting to realize it too, b/c we've known forever.

Pregnancy and Oprah

2005-04-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

I learned yesterday that I can't watch Oprah while Pregnant.

Also, I can't watch the news, Maury, Montel, CSI shows, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, Reading Rainbow and even some teen chick flicks. They make me cry, and crying while pregnant is bad. It gives you a horrible headache for which you can't take any medication, and it's hard to stop crying once you start.

Oh, included in that list are commercials for Sylvan learning center (where the kid tells the mom thank you for sending them to a tutor to get better grades and the cheesy piano music chimes in), the beginning of West Wing (again, the music), and that show where Dr. Phil's son tears down and rebuilds dream homes for people. Basically I can't watch tv.

I don't know if it is the hormones or the fact that my damn fucking psychiatrist has made me wean off of my beloved and much-needed anti-depressant. I believe that being off of it will harm the baby more with all the blood pressure raising breakdowns I'll have, and she thinks the slight miniscule risk of taking it is too much and will ease my mind if I don't take it. Psychotic bitch.

She's not really a bitch, and I feel bad for calling her one, but I could strangle her for weaning me off my drugs.

Today is day two of absolutely no pills rather than less pills. This morning I woke up, cried, made DH hit snooze, peed, cried when I made myself sit up to get out of bed, cried in the shower because I couldn't face going to work, snapped at DH over who knows what, and crying when he snapped back (he is in nicotine withdrawal although so am I at the moment), crying when I couldn't find my shoes, cried when I had nausea and couldn't go in the kitchen to make breakfast, cried when the cat wouldn't stop whining at me, and cried when I dropped an apple on the floor.

And again on the way to work...but then I fell asleep so that stopped the crying.

I don't know how pregnant women work either. Not only do I want to be a stay-at-home mom b/c I feel like I'm too insane to keep a job without the pregnancy - I want to be a stay-at-home preggo. I can't handle the exhaustion. I fell asleep at my desk three times, twice in the bathroom stall, and have had my head hanging over the garbage can under my desk for about 6 hours of today's 8 hour day.

I can't do it.

I'm also afraid of my depression while being a mother. I'm scared that my hoarding of hangers is because I will turn into Joan Crawford once my baby is born. I'm already kicking DH in bed, and I'm sure it's b/c he's the one who knocked me up and that's the reason I can't sleep. It's all subconsciously of course, but I can't stop it.

I feel like writing to Oprah and asking her to support my stay-at-homeness b/c she pretends to have compassion for depressed moms. At least I think she does.

By the way, as an update to my past pregnancy posts, I am now super-excited about this baby, which scares me now because if I lose it I'll be more devastated than before when I was just scared shitless. I've also changed from calling it little bastard or Phelps the lucky sperm, to 'Little Bird'. I think it's a girl, and from the pain I'm in, twins.

Monday is the first ultrasound, fingers are crossed that the tech will get through my fat layers and find out if there's a baby or velociraptor alien in there. I'll update later.

Right now I have a migraine, nothing to take to relieve it, and I'm thinking of making DH risk his life again by asking for McDonald's fries on the way home (he risks his life by denying his pregnant wife her ultimate cravings, especially when she is off her drugs and has a migraine). I'll also let you know if he lives to see next week.

Operation Grow Lucky Blighter - Week 5 (or 3 or 6 :/ )

2005-04-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hormones suck.

Yesterday, after learning that I was almost fired for doing something forgetful in my madness, I went home and bawled on the phone to my Mommy while a bowl of ice cream melted in my lap. I cried for so long that I had one of those raised blood pressure headaches that lasted allllllll night. It was so horrible I don't think I'll cry ever again. Everytime I feel those tears, I remember that horrible, horrible headache and hold them back.

Pete, my DH, is in for a wild ride. Not only has he had to put up with my depression and monthly hormone moods, but he gets this as well. Somehow he smiles through it all, hugs me and dreams of his days as "Daddy". He has learned that one way to cheer me up or get my mind off of the cramps (still got 'em!) and nausea (although no vomiting yet, thanks God!) is to imagine what the little lucky Phelps-Sperm-Egg-Embryo will be like.

Yesterday we fell asleep brainstorming names. Pete nixed some of my favorites, Amelia, Amelie (heh), Madeline/Madelyn (I wanted to call her Maddie!), and Emma - but we agreed on simpler names such as Amy, Emily, Jamie, Margaret (Maggie! and it's Mama Sue's middle name), and Rebecca (Reba for short). Of course we'll change our minds a million times but it's fun to namestorm, especially when you have an actual excuse this time. For boys, Toby, Benjamin (my dad's middle name and Pete loves it), Matthew, Andrew... and a few others but I've forgotten them by now. See? We'll do this again and again I'm sure and by the name the naming process comes, our minds will go blank.

Oh, forgot our favorite - Kashdis. Just think of it. Kashdis Spencer. (say it out loud, heh.) or Pezdis. Heh. If we lived in England we'd name a boy Mark Sand Spencer. Heeh.

Back to the dirty truth of pregnancy - it's still a bitch. But I'm gradually beginning to view it as a happy event. I'm not crazy about the pooing yellow/gray baby poo every 10 minutes, or the miniscule peeing every 5 minutes, the cramps that I would kill to stop, and the backaches that keep me from sleeping at night - but I like... aw hell I don't like any damn thing about it right now. Well, I do like the fact that I'm creating a mini-Pete, and turning goofy Pete into goofy-Dad-Pete, and I love his enthusiasm and support. I just wish I could love how it is destroying my already destroyed body.

Good news or bad, I've got news

2005-04-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well I'll just break it to you like it was broken to me:

Thursday I bought my new birth control. I was very excited about that, because I had decided I was NOT ready for kids, and hell no to pregnancy for a long time. In fact I had just told my Dad he'll have to pretend his poodles are his grandkids for a while, so he better get used to it.

Friday I was fed up with feeling so damn achy and crampy. It was like the worst case of PMS I had ever had but without the period. If you think I'm sharing too much, just wait. I've got more. So I went to the doctor. The HMO wouldn't let me see a snoopy doctor for another month, so I just asked to see my regular internist. After a lecture from him about how I should've seen a snoopy doctor instead, he made me take some blood and urine tests, and sit out in the waiting room with a sleepy husband for an hour. We sat underneath the horrid FauxNews (I don't know why people even watch that crap when there's CNN and BBCNews around) while they stood 'watch' on the Pope dying. Pete wondered if he hung on for another month, would they still stand there hour by hour reporting that he's still "not dead".

I got called back to see the doc right about 5pm when his office was closing. He took ten seconds to tell me - "Your blood and urine are fine, but your preguhsee is positive". I had to grab his sleeve before he walked out, "Um, huh?" What the hell is preguhsee? Was that some sort of disease? Oh... pregNANcy... damn.

I sat there with a blank look for as long as he'd let me. I was waiting for the pregnancy instructions, what to do, what not to do... all he told me was to see an ob/gyn and left. Wow, I just LOVE fucking HMOs.

Yeah, so, on April Fools' Day, I found out that I'm pregnant. Fucking pregnant.

I would be happier if it weren't for these damn hormones. I can't tell you how many times I've told God that not only is he an evil little shit, but he can take these extra hormones and shove them up his...

So...when am I supposed to start being all cozy mothering exuding happiness? Pete has been ecstatic since the moment I told him. Everyone else is ecstatic. I'm still in disbelief, and to be quite honest, I absolutely hate the way I feel. Nauseous but Hungry, tired but I can't sleep, exhausted but can't get the energy, crampy but without the relief of being able to take drugs for it, pissed off at the world, but not knowing if I can take my anti-depressants b/c my fucking doctor didn't fucking tell me. And that pregnant glow? It's not glow. It's the sweat I get now when I sleep.

And the sleep? It's not really sleep. It's tossing and turning while those awful words "pregnant women should only sleep on their left side" going through my head, as if I'm committing murder if I want to let the blood flow back into my left arm while I sleep on the right side. The damn thing is only less than 1mm right now, why must it take up the entire bed????

And I don't know how in the hell I am going to manage work. I already missed a day and a half last week from my crampiness. I haven't been able to walk and talk at the same time all weekend. I stumble from the bed to the bathroom to the kitchen, back to the bathroom, to the bed. I bawl big ugly sobs and tears because I feel so hopeless and so awful because I can't feel happy when I feel this shitty.

I'm scared to DEATH.

At least it was easy to quit smoking.

Where did the time go?

2005-03-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

Three years and three weeks ago, Pete and I took the train from Earley to Wokingham and walked into the Wokingham Registrar's office. We held hands and seemed calm, if someone took a picture they'd think we were waiting at the Doctor's office.

A tall, thin older lady with graying brown hair called us into her office where we sat down across from her at her desk. She handed us a booklet, "Weddings and Ceremonies" and we gave her our names, birthdates, birthplaces, and parents' information. She thumbed through her calendar, telling us that we had to wait a few weeks while they'd put us on the register and people could mark their oppositions to our union if they liked... and asked us, "How's the 2nd of March?"

We shrugged, looked at each other and said "Sure." You'd think we were scheduling a root canal. But in my head I was looking at picture frames, napkins, and wedding bands engraved with that date, 2 March 2002. How did it look? Was that all right? Did it really matter? Do I have to GASP wear a dress? Where was Vegas when you needed it?

We walked out of the registry with our arms around each other, smiling smugly and daydreaming of a life together. What would be different? Would we ever be on our own and NOT living with parents? Can't we just get married in jeans? What about rings...Oh, a pub, I'm hungry.

We sat and had lunch in a pub just down the road and thumbed through our little yellow pamphlet on registry ceremonies, looking for the right vows to say to each other, and the right reading for our 10 minute gathering. Over my egg mayonnaise baguette I grinned at Pete thinking about the day I first laid eyes on him - wondering if he'd be a cool person to hang out with, and the day we were finally introduced - thinking that I wanted to marry someone just like him... and our first kiss that night in Amsterdam - wondering the hey took him so long!

Three years ago today, Pete's brother picked me and his girlfriend up in his speedwagon and sped all of the nerves out of me on the way to Wokingham. By the time we had arrived, my hair was a mess from headbanging to a Guns n Roses song, and my stomach had been left behind at the George Roundabout. I walked into the Registry and found Pete sitting there, with a fresh new haircut, with a nervous grin and sweaty palms. Ten minutes later we stood and said the simplest of simple vows to each other with only my in-laws at witnesses, two ladies for the official Registrar, and Whitney Houston singing faintly in the background. Then our handwritten marriage certificate was signed by all, and the Registrar signed away that I had gone from "Spinster" (yes, it really does say that) to "Spencer."

Wow, three years. Can you believe it? Here's to 50+ more...
Happy Anniversary us!

I'm crap at posting

2005-02-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

I've had the worst sinus infection ever, even missed almost a week of work thanks to it...and I've had two moms staying at the apt w/hubs and I... is that enough excuse?

I got this in a forwarded email and I have some friends who could take this to heart. Also, reading it reminds me just how wonderful of a Real Man that I married.

40 Ways to NOT become a "Friend with Benefits"

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
>
>2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
>
>3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
>
>4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
>
>5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. .
>
>6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
>
>7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
>
>8. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
>
>9. Don't settle.
>
>10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
>
>11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
>
>12. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
>
>13. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
>
>14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
>
>15. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
>
>16. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along
>
>17. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).
>
>18. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
>
>19. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
>
>20. Actions speak louder than words.
>
>21. Never let a man define who you are.
>
>22. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
>
>23. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
>
>24. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life.
>
>25. Love is a verb.
>
>26. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.
>
>27. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
>
>28. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.
>
>29. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart
>
>30. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
>
>31. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary..
>
>32. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
>
>33. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
>
>34. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
>
>35. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted..
>
>36. When it's time to let go; let go.
>
>37. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
>
>38. Never believe a man that tells u he want to be with you, while he's with someone else, - if he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen more sooner than later.
>
>39. Don't be a man's door mat , make him open the door for you, because a real man would do this on his own.
>
>40. There is someone out there worthy to be in your life, let out the trash so he can come in.

I'm onto them

2005-02-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

Max and Charlie, our two apartment felines, are trying to pull the wool over our eyes. There is nothing that these sweet little four-footed furballs could do wrong, especially if the humans were sleeping at the time.

Last night they managed to get into the garbage like the clever raccoons that we left behind in Baton Rouge. And woke me up this morning like innocent starving kitties who spent allllll night taking up half the bed. They let me know that they hadn't eaten in hours, their water bowl was dry, they didn't know who had made that mess on the kitchen floor or tried to put the bathmat in the litterbox. Must've been the neighbor's kitty.

Tonight I'm hiding the catnip.

Happy Mardi Gras y'all! Way too early this year, but nevertheless, Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler! I'll add some Mardi Gras pics from last year later.

Checkin In

2005-02-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

If you had seen our apartment last week before we cleaned on Saturday,you would have freaked. We cleaned it though, using real rags andcleaning solutions...we just didn't have time until Saturday. It's hard when you work 12-13 hour days and have to come home and cook. Thank god for that George Foreman grill, I love that thing. The crockpot is useful too, but I'm sick of recipes that use cream of something soup. It all tastes the same. And I made the mistake of putting pork chops in there, they just fall apart and you have to pick out the bones...plus after 12 hours everything burns.

Speaking of, I have a lovely browned pork chop soup available if you're up for it?

It has snowed for the third time this week, but barely under an inch,and we're going through a heat wave so it is melting (highs in the 40s and 50s). Pete took the truck to a fixit man who said he'd need $350 to fix it by replacing the spark plugs and doing a coolant system thingy. Pete instead took the truck back and bought a manual from Autozone to find out how to fix it himself. Do you think he can do it? He ain't no bob vila I can tell you that. He tried to fix our garbage disposal (didn't know about the reset button) and he hit the pipe under the sink accidentally and broke a hole in it. Landlord said he'd fix the garbage disposal, but the pipe is our problem b/c we broke it. So Pete heads to home depot...four times in one week b/c he says he can't find a pipe that fits. I went with him a fifth time and saw that the pipes are all two sizes. 1 and 1/4 or 1 and 1/2. I told pete that it would be ridiculous for our pipe to be a different size than those two and I wanted the sink fixed THAT night (it had been a week) so I made him buy BOTH sizes and two kinds of a connector bit that I found (he had given up and said Home depot didn't have what he needed and I found it in 30 seconds)... we went home, he attached the right size and the sink STILL leaks.

I think I should find those bob vila time life books on ebay to get him.

He also put up a new showerhead for us... which took three trips to Home Depot and one trip with the wife to find the correct connector bit. But the grooves in the connector and the showerhead aren't the same size so it leaks/spurts out water to the wall/ceiling even with the plumber's tape. He is so fed up that he wants us to just deal with the leak.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I don't even like the showerhead.

Virginia Tech has screwed up again with my paycheck, they paid me for the 40 hours that I missed during Christmas when I came to visit, so this paycheck they docked me those hours... PLUS another 20 hours. When I inquired why, I found out that because I was on
leave-without-pay before and after a holiday, I did not get the holiday pay... so I did not get paid for Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve or the other corresponding holidays. So my paycheck for two weeks is only for 20 hours of work. Not ONLY that, but they lost my direct deposit information - a SECOND time and had to mail me a paycheck from blacksburg. However, it has been a week and has failed to reach me here. And I won't get my travel reimbursement until February 10 (for relocation) but that is actually going to be direct deposited. Because of the delay, I get to pay the bank lotsa overdraft. I hope they wash windows for the money I'm payin' 'em.

There was an apartment fire on our street the other night. We were leaving the grocery store nearby (you can walk to it....if you're a crazy Englishman or Washingtonian) and saw 5 firetrucks go towards our neighborhood. I can't tell you the horror I felt at the thought of nobody rescuing our kitties in the fire. It wasn't our apartments though, but ones next to ours, and I don't think it was too bad. I suppose it's good to know that even with a little fire, five fire trucks will immediately come.

Love and Marriage

2005-01-30T14:44:00.000-08:00

I want to apologize for a couple of things:

1) Being incredibly boring. I've learned that happy=boring, and although I'd rather be happy and boring, it's not really helping my ambition of becoming a writer, is it? You'll just have to deal with it though, b/c our life together has finally reached that point where we've been trying to be since we met. A place of our own, by ourselves. It's happiness, plain and simple... minus that monthly PMDD (google it, I have it) and time when we can't afford our prescriptions.

2) Not updating as usual. We're on our own now, meaning we have to work...all the freaking time. I still love my job, and DH loves his, although we wake up, go to work, stay there for 12-13 hours, come home, go to bed...repeat. Every now and then we shower or cook, and right now cleaning is reserved for the weekend...only thanks to DH not wanting to live in squalor. Me? I don't mind. Until the mum and mom come to visit, that is.

I suppose that's it. Basically we're just too busy. We did have an entire weekend to be nice and talk to our friends and family, but to be honest we spent it lying around, cleaning, and lying around watching the snow outside. Tonight DH is out to Home Depot to get some things to fix our shower (the water pressure slams you into a wall) and sink (he touched a pipe and it broke, landlord says it's our fault, we pay) and to get a few groceries. I've been suffering from PMDD (again, google it!) and feeling down, so DH has stepped up to make sure we're taken care of.

Hopefully I can check in sooner than later, take care!

Snow, D.C., and Catnip

2005-01-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

Howdy-Ho strangers,

It has been quite an experience over the past few weeks, juggling with work, Pete's jobs, trying to keep a tidy apartment, and pleasing two used-to-be-outdoor kitties while it is snowing outside. Of course, we're still very happy, with each other, ourselves, and our surroundings; but also a bit excited at all of this adult stuff we get to do now... like, cleaning the bathroom and cooking dinner after working a 12 hour day.

I can't tell you how happy I am to see Pete's pride bursting out of him over having a place of his own now (and of course a beautiful wife to share it with, if I do say so myself, ahem). I came home from work one day and found the apartment vaccuumed, tidied, and he was mopping the bathroom floor! Wow, if I had known he did all that stuff, I would have married him sooner! Joking, I'm really the lazy one and Pete is great at the housework. I'm better at laundry, cooking, and doing the shopping (I clip coupons!). He's best at kitty box cleaning, bathroom cleaning, and floor cleaning... oh and decorating as well. He's quite a decorator when it comes to his own place. He has all these ideas of what we need, where it should go, and what projects will let him bring out his man tools and hammer things into walls.

The cats still love us of course, are always under our feet, and when it is bedtime, they are the first in our bed, warming up the foot spots for us and meowing for us to hurry up and get in there! We thought they might like a little treat of catnip, so we brought some home, and I put some in a few toys and part of a sock and sewed it together into a little ball. Charlie absolutely loved it. He rolled around in it for hours and had a crazy-eyed look about him as he took every toy and bounced it up in the air with his paws. Max, on the other hand, looked dismayed and disgusted with us for bringing home drugs for his brother, and told us that he was above it (I saw him sneak in a few sniffs later on though). They're still obsessed with getting outside, especially with this new white stuff and cold air outside, but I'm hoping that soon that will wear off.

Work has been crazy-busy since it is the start of the semester. Students think that it is okay to apply for a Master's program well into the first week of classes and get angry with me when I tell them that there is no time to process their application in time to register. Actually a lot of students get attitudes with me, but I don't mind because it isn't my fault. I do my job and go well beyond that to help the nice non-attitude ones (as advised to do by a professor), but I can't help if someone doesn't qualify or if the main campus in Blacksburg is slow. Not my bad. So, I still love it. Pete loves his job too, but I think he's glad to be done with chauffeuring and back to couriering. I'd rather it be the other way around so that I could drive to work myself (and I like the bigger paycheck as well) and Pete wouldn't be putting all that wear and tear on our truck and use our money for gas that won't be reimbursed. However, it makes him happy...and for right now he has begun working a little later so that he can drive me into work an hour early so I won't complain about taking the bus and metro in below freezing weather. Good Husband.

Last night we drove through D.C. b/c Pete had to pick up two packages, in the ghetto. The ghetto of all ghettos...and I didn't like it. Neither did Pete, b/c the streets weren't exactly as the map said, so we were lost several times and it was frustrating. Plus I had to pee so bad, I almost made yellow snow in someone's front yard (thankfully I held it but it was painful). I've decided that while I love D.C., that's only the downtown bit with all of the important buildings and newspaper corporations...the rest of it can be thrown away b/c it's dirty, hard to navigate, and not enough public toilets about.

We also bought a new mattress set from Sears as they had a 50% off sale and we're in desperate need of a decent bed so that we can sleep an entire night. I'll tell you more about that later. It's time to get to work.

Summary update

2005-01-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hey there,

I'm too busy to write a proper update, but I emailed this to someone earlier and thought it was a good way to catch you up on stuff. It repeats some things I have already told you about, but maybe it'll be good to refresh your memory. I also want to add that Peter and I are still extremely happy living on our own, with our two cats, and we have absolutely no regrets about moving up here so quickly.

Anywho, here's your update:

Pete has a job! Two jobs actually, but one is only for this week. Regularly he has been working as a courier, which makes a good supplemental income to mine, however he has to use our truck, putting miles and wear and tear on it and we have to pay for the gas. He loves it, but I'm praying that he will find something just as fun that will wear less on our only vehicle. This week he is working as a chauffeur for inauguration activities. Right now he is the personal chauffeur for a guy who seems to be in charge of communications for the inauguration. He said that the guy is very nice and doesn't seem to mind that Peter is bluffing his way around D.C. - a city he only began driving in on Sunday. He gets to listen in on phone conversations where the guy keeps calling someone in the oval office and says, "I saw you on the news, you looked great! No, no, really, you were fine." Seems interesting. Our landlord, who helped Peter find this job, was Barbara Bush's chauffeur this past weekend, and now is driving the Secret Service around. Can't wait to hear his stories.

Our entire journey and experiences of living here have been a lesson on just how important our faith is and how many ways the Lord shows his love and takes care of us. I have felt and seen His hand in every aspect of our lives here, and I have to say that it is such a beautiful thing to see.

Being kicked out of our house-share before we arrived was the biggest blessing we have received thus far. Because of that eviction, we were forced to move into an apartment that we really couldn't afford, with a deposit that we definitely couldn't afford, and into a situation that now we know that we couldn't afford to lose. Not only has it pushed us into living on our own - for the first time since we were married almost 3 years ago (March 2!) - but the reason Pete is working these two jobs is because of our landlord. The apartment is owned by this very sweet couple from Turkey who just a few years older than us. They decided to move out into a bigger place and rent out their tiny apartment. The day we moved in, the guy, Kagan, noticed that we didn't have any furniture, so he left his desk, microwave, and a couple of other things.

We found a great website where people list furniture and items that they are selling or giving away, and that is where we found a table, two couches, chairs, kitchen items, towels, storage boxes, an iron, and various other household items - all for free. We also went to pick up a bed that someone claimed to be giving away, but it turns out
that they gave us the wrong address, either as a joke or by mistake. Pete called Kagan, our landlord, who immediately knew of somebody giving away a mattress and boxspring. When Pete went to pick it up, the man offered Pete a job as a courier - and he has been happily working in that job since we arrived. As for the rest of the apartment, we found a few things that we needed in thrift shops, and have managed to furnish the entire apartment for $55. Granted, nothing matches, and the bed is similar to sleeping on a bed of nails, but we now have a home that feels like a home, and I can't tell you how happy I am to see the pride and happiness in Peter.

We have had a little trouble coming up with money for rent (due Jan. 20), and have prayed for some way to be able to pay this. Because everything has to go through the main campus of my employer at their campus 4 and 1/2 hours away in Blacksburg, VA, it has taken a while for them to process me as an employee in the system, and thus, send me a paycheck and process my reimbursement for moving (they stated that they would pay the mileage and a per diem for two days' travel). Also, because our bank account here is brand new, it will take a week for Peter's first paycheck to actually go into our account. So to say the least, we have been worried about being able to pay our rent and other half of our deposit (which our landlord has so kindly allowed us to break up into two months) on time. We went to a church here, Truro Episcopal Church in Fairfax, where we sat with the Rector's wife, who is from England. During the sermon, the Rector had us turn to our neighbor and tell them about the time when we "experienced God" and to pray for each other. The Rector's wife seemed concerned for us and she said a special prayer to help us make our rent, and took down our names so that she could continue to pray for us during the week.

Finally, on Friday, I received my first paycheck from Virginia Tech, exactly the amount of rent that is due on Thursday. Isn't God Great? Still praying for the car payment to be made, but at least we still have a place to live.

Well I need to get back to work, this job has a never-ending pile of work and the phone never stops ringing, although I still love it.

So there you go. We're still here, fat, and happy. And Missing y'all. Cheerio!

The Down and Dirty of Real Life

2005-01-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

After the first blissful week of living together, DH and I have been hit on the head with a very large This-is-the-real-world boulder - and it hurts!

Mostly, I'm just talking about money. We were given a lot of it in order to move, but that money has been spent. Our own money has been spent, and we've yet to receive proper paychecks in order to spend. The main thing on my mind is being able to pay our rent on the 20th. Our landlord was so nice to allow us to pay only half of the deposit for January, as long as we paid the other half for Feb (due Jan 20). At first I was worried that we might not be able to pay the deposit part...now I'm almost certain we will not be able to pay the rent at all. And it's thanks to my wonderful employer Virginia Tech. They have slacked off so much that I still have yet to receive ANY paycheck from them in the past month, and the $500 that I'm due for relocation expenses probably won't arrive for another month b/c they keep sending the forms back asking for more signatures.

On top of that, our anti-depressant prescriptions are up, and my health insurance still hasn't registered me so that I may reap the benefits of cheap prescriptions. We cannot just go a week or so without these anti-ds, as they tend to make your brain a little psychotically depressed if you suddenly stop taking them. I have been rationing myself, taking them only every other day to save some time, only to result in panic attacks and hour long sobbing breakdowns each day when I return home from work. God Bless my Darling Husband who is there to hold me and allow me to sob and snot up his shirt without guilt. The most common conversation in the evening is, "Why are you crying?" "I don't know, ". I never know when it will hit, don't know exactly what I'm crying about, but if forces me to cry even more over crying over nothing, gives me a terrible headache, and I'm almost out of kleenex. An hour later I am better, sitting on the couch with DH, supper in our laps as we watch my favorite Vicar of Dibley dvds and Father Ted. Soon, once we figure out the code to watch a UK dvd in our American-sod-the-rest-of-the-world DVD player, we will do this to shows of Little Britain thanks to a wonderful sis-in-law. Actually, soon I hope to be able to afford to refill my prescription in order to stop these attacks and breakdowns full stop.

Our kitties are the only ones unaffected by this all, except for the fact that we need to buy more kitty litter and cannot afford it until.. well... March. They are increasingly playful every night, and greet me at the door every evening with loving meows and claws at my legs asking me to pick them up and cuddle my nose into their fur. They are also very talented at giving our bathroom the wonderful aroma of digested kitty food if you know what I mean, and using our bathroom rug to cover the kitty box instead of the litter itself. Such gifted kitties they are.

Today is Peter's Birthday. He finally reached the same age as me, so I hope he'll stop calling me his "old lady." We're both at work, it is a bank holiday for me but I'm working today in order to take some time off later this year, and Pete receives no days off in his line of work. Tonight we're probably going to sit in front of more Father Ted or Dibley or Coupling with our george foreman grilled burgers and oven chips. Pete with a beer and me with a Cherry Coke. Ahhh, the good life. Although I may have painted a depressing picture of our situation, we're still very happy indeed. We have each other, our kitties, and our faith. That's all we really need, the rest is just details. I hate to sum it up in an 80s song, but it came on the radio this morning and we both chimed in, as if singing to each other. So here's our song of the day, Living on a Prayer, by Bon Jovi:

Tommy used to work on the docks
union's been on strike
He's down on his luck - It's tough so tough.

Gina works the diner all day working for her man
She brings home her pay for love for love.

She says: We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We've got each other and that's a lot for love -
We'll give it a shot.

We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it I swear
- livin' on a prayer.

Tommy got his six string in hock.
Now he's holding in what he used to make it talk -
So tough it's tough.
Gina dreams of running away when she cries in the night

Tommy whispers: Baby it's okay someday.
We've got to hold on to what we've got . . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer . . .

We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got.
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer . . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer . . .
We're half way there - Livin' on a prayer

Update in a letter

2005-01-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not really this angry, just imagine my dry-humor when reading this. I'm too lazy to properly update, so here's part of a letter I sent to my old college roommate Tammie who I had dinner with Friday night in response to a PMSy email she had sent me...

I rode the bus today for the first time to get to work, in the States that is. I miss my 17 Wokingham Road bus, I knew exactly how much it took, the driver was friendly, and there were conversations that I could listen in on. Not the 3A bus from Annandale to East Falls Church metro. Apparently you mustn't speak english on this bus or you will be stared at and talked about in Spanish and Korean for the entire trip. If you can't get your dollar in the machine right away, the driver will sigh and roll his eyes at you. And I walk too slow once getting off the bus and going into the metro. What are these people rushing for? Aren't they just going to work? Who wants to rush to work? Wackos.

Did you hear Jen and Brad (anniston and Pitt) broke up? What the hell is up with that? Why can't we have one freakin' hollywood couple to show us that marriage works? Why not just one? It'd make up for all the other freakishly wrong morals they're teaching with all the stuff they get away with. It's their fault that people look at Pete and I thinking, "I give them two more years, then it's a nasty divorce with him sleeping with her best friend." Bastids.

Sorry, I should be cheerful. I'm at work, and I'm the only one here. And I love this job. Haven't seen any office politics yet, but there is still time. Oh, and taking the metro was a bit embarrassing, b/c everyone was taking the metro the other way, so I had to stand there alone on the other side of the platform while two metro thingys came by and picked up loads of people, staring out the window at me like I'm a lost little girl. Well guess what bastids, I got a seat on MY metro, hah! Taking it one stop seems pointless too, I want less bus and more metro. And there's a big firetruckin' hill from the station to my work, it's "right next door" but what they don't tell you is that it's past the humungous parking lot and up two gigantic hills. I better have lost some freaking weight after a few months of doing this. All that for $2.60 and an hour's commute time when it takes 15 minutes to drive it. I wish Pete would get a job where I can be spoiled and driven to work by him or be able to drive myself again. He gets paid Wednesday, where we will find out if it's worth it him ruining our truck to be a courier or not.

We ate at IHOP last night in Fairfax b/c I had a coupon. I felt like an old person with a coupon to eat at a place like Ihop. I was craving chicken fingers and french toast, is that a weird combination? Well I settled for chicken fried steak and pancakes. It was lovely, really. I felt sorry for the waiter and tipped him a little extra. Not that I can afford it, but I just wanted to be nice to him.

Time for some tea and back to work, see you later,
Ash

Can I be this happy?

2004-12-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where to start.

Job - LOVE it! Got lectured that I'm "Nobody's Secretary" and that's what I've been wanting to hear since I graduated college, finally! Also the commute is about 20 minutes from home, I haven't had a commute shorter than 45 minutes in the past 3 years. Weather - I love the cold, but I HAVE a cold now. We got snow for a night, but it disappeared by morning. My cold felt like flu but now it is at cold level, I need to invest in more kleenex and hot tea.

Speaking of hot tea, I'm addicted to the Chai Latte which I got this morning from Starbucks. Well, Pete got it for me. It's so delicious and good on my sore throat and cold...But then Pete told me the price. I think it's time I get a little mini coffee maker for my desk so I can heat water and make my own teas.

The Apartment - Fanbloodytastic. We've been using craigslist (washingtondc.craigslist.org) to find free furniture from international students going back home or people moving out, and have gotten some great stuff.

Our landlord is also wonderful. He's a chauffeur from Turkey, and the nicest person we've met up here. He took us out to breakfast the morning we signed the lease, then when they forgot my coffee, he went out of his way to starbucks to get me one and surprised me with it. He also gave us a microwave, old computer, great computer desk when he saw that the free one we got is broken, and found a job for Pete. He and his wife are so adorable as well, they couldn't be nicer. Yesterday Pete got some consignment shop furniture and unpacked almost every box, then he picked up a free (but used/old) bed from a friend of our landlord,

So for the price of $55, we have a furnished apartment, all we need to do is get our dresser, tv, and extra couch (if we think we need it) from baton rouge and that's it! oh and bedside tables... but we're using boxes right now for that.

Last night was our first night in the apt w/a bed, seemed like the first real night, we had our mini christmas tree up, I cooked a full english breakfast for dinner, Pete had it unpacked and tidy, no tv so we chatted and listened to the radio (free too!), and it dawned on us... this is OUR place, we're not visitors or guests, it's OURS, alone! It makes Pete so happy and me so happy, we forget we're on Zoloft and Effexor, We're a Proper married couple now, with our own place, finally!!! Then I get up in the morning and look forward to going to work, and actually enjoy my day at work...I'm so freakin' happy I just might explode.

Right so... how is everybody else? Also - we're driving down to Baton rouge tonight (well we start driving tonight, we'll get there Christmas Eve), and will be back Jan 2. Take Care and Happy Holidays!

Today

2004-12-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

First day of work - good, fun, think I'll like it but I'm so freakin' exhausted you'll have to wait 2 more days to hear more.

Apartment - saw the place we've wanted tonight, like it, sweet woman from turkey and her hubby live there, we can move in monday if we come up with rent and deposit tomorrow night...it's $1000 deposit, we were expecting no deposit since the guy never mentioned it until tonight... we're kinda screwed unless we win the lottery

Pete - no job yet but he's looking

oh and I ate Indian for lunch, hadn't had that since i lived in england, over 2 years ago... yummy!

love y'all, peace love and tikka masala grease,
ash

Here..sort of

2004-12-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

Hi, yes we have arrived in DC safely, although there is a story to tell about our trip:

After leaving the family party in Mississippi, at 6pm, Barb our future landlord called and said that she decided at the last minute to rent the room to her old roommate who needed a place to stay.

We immediately called the person who was second on our list of places to live, and yes his apartment is available...as soon as he moves out. He is waiting to hear from a place to see if he is accepted, and if so, we can move in as early as next Monday. We find out Tuesday if the place accepts him and he is able to move.

The other places we call are not available. Finally, after many phone calls and praying, the priest at our old church in Baton Rouge has made reservations for us at an extended stay hotel for a week, and he is paying for it. We arrived today after spending the night twice on the way up, and buying another tarp and bungee cords to hold all the boxes in the back of the truck.

We arrived tonight in DC, and have a dial-up connection available in the studio room we have here at this hotel. I start my job Wednesday. Tomorrow we'll look for places and also find out if the apt we really want will be available. If so, we can move in next Monday.

I'll keep you updated as we find more stuff out.

Moving Day

2004-12-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ta-ta for now folks, tomorrow we're driving up to Mississippi to the family Christmas party and from there we'll head to Virginia, arriving late Sunday night. We probably won't have the computer hooked up again until Monday afternoon, so you hear from us until then.

The past few days, or week really, has been exhausting emotionally and physically. We did a majority of the packing over the last two days and still aren't finished. My heart is breaking as well, as I realize more and more just how heartbroken my dad is over us moving. He is really taking it hard, but I just can't see myself living down here and loving it like he does...plus there isn't any job market for a college graduate. Especially one who would rather not live with her parents. We had an awful lot of goodbyes to say to our church family, and it is still difficult to think about them without tearing up. I have never been close to people from a church, and certainly have never felt as though I belonged to one, but this little church has pulled at my heartstrings from day one and have embraced me since I first pulled into their driveway.

The folks at work threw me a pizza, cookies and brownies party (I was pmsing when they asked what I wanted on my last day, heh) AND gave pete and I $130 for moving money and a handmade cookbook of all their favorite recipes. They're really special ladies, even the boss. I think now that I no longer work for her, I really seem to like her. Life does that to you I guess.

Well off to sort boxes so that we can find the bed again, goodnight and talk to you Monday...or later!

New Digs

2004-12-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Well I suppose I could tell you about the new digs in DC, but work is a bit too busy at the moment to get on with that. Instead I've spent half an hour procrastinating by changing the blog template - I got sick of the other one. I suppose blogger is telling me that I have changed enough, b/c before I could finish by adding my links, blogger decided to go down for a bit and stop allowing changes.

Perhaps it's a sign asking me to get back to that payroll. Ya think?

For a better update, you're welcome to check out DH's blog: http://thespencers.blogspot.com
Good luck!

2004-11-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

Quick Update

Since we're moving in two weeks (my start date of working at the job in Falls Church (DC), we're a bit busy and frazzled.

I might send DH to DC this weekend to look at rooms and apts b/c I've been the past four weekends and would like a break to stay at home before I leave permanently. He's nervous about it but I hope my old college roommate Tammie won't mind helping him.

Thanksgiving was all right, but I've been plagued with illness after illness, so I'm glad I had the extra two days off work to get over that.

We bought a star for sis in law to put on her christmas tree and I think it's gorgeous, but worried it might topple her tree over...Americans don't do small christmas tree stars Linda, sorry! It's very pretty though!

Must put in an order for more Solpadeine Plus and Migraleve. Mom and I have found that together, they kill migraines much better than our expensive precriptions. Also good for PMS cramps.

I'll try to update better tomorrow, time to leave work, goodnight!