Yup, that's right... I'm starting a diet. No more excuses, no more cheating, no more chocolate (sigh), and no more keeping it quiet.
I love to throw the blame, so I'm blaming all those other people who didn't know about my diets those other times. It's their fault for not knowing about it, so that I could eat fast food and fluffy foods in front of them without guilt. I could cheat to my heart's content and the only judge was me (did I mention I'm no good at judging?).
So here we go.. diet 2004 - and I'm dragging you down with me.
I haven't dieted probably in the last year for some very good reasons...
1. Lazy
2. Who can bothered?
3. Diet food forces too much toilet time
But this time I'm serious, I have to lose it, well not all of it, that would be unrealistic, but some of it, perhaps just a little bit so that I can zip my jeans without having to lie down on the bed, and maybe so that I won't have to unzip them during the day or when i'm eating.
Reasons to diet now:
- Brother in law is getting married to a very good college friend of mine. Since they live in england (husband is from England), world of skinny fit people, I will definitely stick out like a sore thumb. My hopes are to just stick out like an all right thumb, perhaps one that is shiny with cute nail polish... and a hat, I must get a hat for this wedding.
- Toilet seats are too small, since they won't increase the size, I must decrease the capacity of my rear that touches the seat.
- Public toilets are too small. Honestly, how is a fat person expected to properly wipe themselves? We need leg room for legs and knees to flail while our arms flail around trying to reach parts of ourselves that are virtually unreachable for the human arm.
- Free booze - It's simple, cute girls are skinny, and skinny girls get free booze from guys at bars. Not that I go to many bars these days, and not that I'd really have the chance to get free booze off of any guy other than my husband... but it's nice to know that if i wanted to - i could.
- To be able to shop at nameless expensive name brand clothing store. All I can wear there are the men's clothing size XXL, which is all right if I were rooting for the other team, or a movie star wanting to go incognito to Starbucks or the adult stores...
- To get fitter so that I can play footie with my husband. No not THAT kind of footie you cheeky monkeys! He's English, so footie means soccer, and it's hard enough for him to find a soccerball here in the States, much less have someone to kick it around with.
- To make people jealous. Okay, I admit it, I AM materialistic and selfish. I want to go back to my high school hometown and prance around my lack of rear and no longer sagging bits and have nobody recognize me.
- To have fun at amusement parks, and other places that entertain the general public. The last time I tried to ride a rollercoaster, it was in England, and wasn't even a rollercoaster, but a carnival ride with loosened bolts and all over wobbliness. They wouldn't let me ride because the seatbelt was just short of buckling me in safely. I want to ride life-threatening wobbly rides and not be embarrassed in public.
- To eat fast food and in public restaurants. I absolutely hate going out to eat (except for that whole eating part, I love that!). I feel like everyone is looking at me holding up a sign reading "And you wonder why you're fat?" No, I know why I'm fat, and I know it's not good for me, but I'm trying to make myself happy by eating stuff I like, thank you very much.
- To fit into an airplane seat comfortably. My thighs aren't supposed to roll under the bar and into the seats next to me, are they?
- So my husband can pick me up and carry me over the threshold. We haven't had a chance to do this yet, since we're too poor to live on our own.. but one day it will happen, and I don't want to have to carry him!
Well, I was supposed to begin my diet this week... Go shopping on Monday, cook Monday evening, begin Tuesday. Not quite what happened. Monday we were too busy, and instead of going to the grocery store, we stopped to get some fried chicken and brought it home. Shopping rescheduled for the next weekend.
One problem I'm already having, is bulking up before the diet, as if I need to gain the extra weight so that I'll lose more. It's not a logical way to think, a bit irrational.. but that's what happens. Okay what really happens is that I panic, decide that it will be my last time in forever that I'll be able to eat certain things, so I go a little overboard. This week, hubby and I ingested:
-two boxes of Chocolate Chip Cookies
-A pizza
-A chinese buffet
-A chocolate cake and two cartons of ice cream, and two bottles of magic shell
-a six pack of cokes (me), a six pack of beer (hubby)
-a Mcdonald's happy meal
-two subway sandwiches (on different occasions)
-Beans on toast with cheese
-one snickers bar
-two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
-a lot more junk food that I purposely failed to remember, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it
I'm not sure why I feel that I must eat everything that I hardly do, just because it won't be allowed on the diet. I'm only lucky that I haven't broken down and bought donuts yet. I love donuts, but never buy them and usually do not eat them, because they're often given away at the office or church - places where skinny people inhabit. I find it difficult to eat fattening foods with skinny people around.
Perhaps instead of a diet, I should just hire a skinny person to live in my kitchen.
I love to throw the blame, so I'm blaming all those other people who didn't know about my diets those other times. It's their fault for not knowing about it, so that I could eat fast food and fluffy foods in front of them without guilt. I could cheat to my heart's content and the only judge was me (did I mention I'm no good at judging?).
So here we go.. diet 2004 - and I'm dragging you down with me.
I haven't dieted probably in the last year for some very good reasons...
1. Lazy
2. Who can bothered?
3. Diet food forces too much toilet time
But this time I'm serious, I have to lose it, well not all of it, that would be unrealistic, but some of it, perhaps just a little bit so that I can zip my jeans without having to lie down on the bed, and maybe so that I won't have to unzip them during the day or when i'm eating.
Reasons to diet now:
- Brother in law is getting married to a very good college friend of mine. Since they live in england (husband is from England), world of skinny fit people, I will definitely stick out like a sore thumb. My hopes are to just stick out like an all right thumb, perhaps one that is shiny with cute nail polish... and a hat, I must get a hat for this wedding.
- Toilet seats are too small, since they won't increase the size, I must decrease the capacity of my rear that touches the seat.
- Public toilets are too small. Honestly, how is a fat person expected to properly wipe themselves? We need leg room for legs and knees to flail while our arms flail around trying to reach parts of ourselves that are virtually unreachable for the human arm.
- Free booze - It's simple, cute girls are skinny, and skinny girls get free booze from guys at bars. Not that I go to many bars these days, and not that I'd really have the chance to get free booze off of any guy other than my husband... but it's nice to know that if i wanted to - i could.
- To be able to shop at nameless expensive name brand clothing store. All I can wear there are the men's clothing size XXL, which is all right if I were rooting for the other team, or a movie star wanting to go incognito to Starbucks or the adult stores...
- To get fitter so that I can play footie with my husband. No not THAT kind of footie you cheeky monkeys! He's English, so footie means soccer, and it's hard enough for him to find a soccerball here in the States, much less have someone to kick it around with.
- To make people jealous. Okay, I admit it, I AM materialistic and selfish. I want to go back to my high school hometown and prance around my lack of rear and no longer sagging bits and have nobody recognize me.
- To have fun at amusement parks, and other places that entertain the general public. The last time I tried to ride a rollercoaster, it was in England, and wasn't even a rollercoaster, but a carnival ride with loosened bolts and all over wobbliness. They wouldn't let me ride because the seatbelt was just short of buckling me in safely. I want to ride life-threatening wobbly rides and not be embarrassed in public.
- To eat fast food and in public restaurants. I absolutely hate going out to eat (except for that whole eating part, I love that!). I feel like everyone is looking at me holding up a sign reading "And you wonder why you're fat?" No, I know why I'm fat, and I know it's not good for me, but I'm trying to make myself happy by eating stuff I like, thank you very much.
- To fit into an airplane seat comfortably. My thighs aren't supposed to roll under the bar and into the seats next to me, are they?
- So my husband can pick me up and carry me over the threshold. We haven't had a chance to do this yet, since we're too poor to live on our own.. but one day it will happen, and I don't want to have to carry him!
Well, I was supposed to begin my diet this week... Go shopping on Monday, cook Monday evening, begin Tuesday. Not quite what happened. Monday we were too busy, and instead of going to the grocery store, we stopped to get some fried chicken and brought it home. Shopping rescheduled for the next weekend.
One problem I'm already having, is bulking up before the diet, as if I need to gain the extra weight so that I'll lose more. It's not a logical way to think, a bit irrational.. but that's what happens. Okay what really happens is that I panic, decide that it will be my last time in forever that I'll be able to eat certain things, so I go a little overboard. This week, hubby and I ingested:
-two boxes of Chocolate Chip Cookies
-A pizza
-A chinese buffet
-A chocolate cake and two cartons of ice cream, and two bottles of magic shell
-a six pack of cokes (me), a six pack of beer (hubby)
-a Mcdonald's happy meal
-two subway sandwiches (on different occasions)
-Beans on toast with cheese
-one snickers bar
-two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
-a lot more junk food that I purposely failed to remember, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it
I'm not sure why I feel that I must eat everything that I hardly do, just because it won't be allowed on the diet. I'm only lucky that I haven't broken down and bought donuts yet. I love donuts, but never buy them and usually do not eat them, because they're often given away at the office or church - places where skinny people inhabit. I find it difficult to eat fattening foods with skinny people around.
Perhaps instead of a diet, I should just hire a skinny person to live in my kitchen.
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