Mommy Brain, Mommy Time
Hey, just wanted to say that I've been reading your emails and thinking of y'all. I'm sorry I'm not great at emailing back or phoning you back, things are just a bit busy around here. I don't know how people with an infant and a toddler at the same time do it - especially those w/two toddlers or even more children! Does it get easier or do you forget how hard it was until you're facing it again? I'm sure w/out the ppd it might not be so bad, so maybe that is part of my problem.
Speaking of, the ppd is getting much better. I was at a terrible point about two weeks ago and I had to call the psych on her emergency cell phone b/c I was *this* close to doing something really stupid, and although part of my brain knew it was irrational and stupid, the other part was telling me to do it - it was the craziest thing I never want to relive. I went in to see her the next day and she kept telling me how severe the depression had gotten, that I was in no way in any shape to return to work yet, that the birth control pills might make it worse or help - but nothing in between b/c my biggest problem is my brain's super sensitivity to hormonal changes (I did go through a depression in the first trimester as well, but nothing like this). She put me on an antipsychotic medication they give to schizos and people in postpartum psychosis - and told me not to look it up b/c it'd just scare me (of course that's the first thing I did), but that I was on a very low dose and the real crazies get up to 800 mg (I was on 25). That combined with an increase in the prozac really seemed to help, and I saw her again two weeks later. She said I was at 60%, and she doesn't want me to go to work until I'm at least 90 b/c any stress I encounter at work may set me all the way back, but I am improving.
We doubled the nighttime anxiety med and ever since then I feel like a whole new person. I have had entire good days of actually feeling the love for Toby that I first felt the first 3 days (the ppd seemed to hit at the end of the third day where I feel like I turned into a different person and haven't been the same since). I want to cuddle him now, I can look at him and *want* to touch him, and all that love that I felt as soon as I heard him crying in the OR, it's all back. Of course it still comes and goes, but it is staying longer, and I haven't been able to feel those loving feelings since day 3, so that is a huge improvement.
Thursday Toby goes for his 2 month checkup, I'm going to ask if he needs his tongue clipped, I think it may be too attached and that may be why he never really latched on? And I think he has reflux. Sigh. We did get WIC and they pay for Alimentum, which we have been giving him the past week... I see no difference from that and the Gentlease that is positive enough to like the Alimentum. We're still saving the coupons and stocking up on Gentlease... and *whisper* in a way exchanging some of the Alimentum for Gentlease, some of it at least. I still think he is best on the Gentlease, and in another month he may be able to tolerate the regular Enfamil a lot better - he takes it well in the daytime but he has been extra fussy this past week so I have held off giving it to him.
I just filled up two boxes of Toby's 0-3 month clothes to take to the triplets' home. They all came home last week, I have no idea how those parents can cope with that and their other son who I think is maybe 2 or even younger. Some of the stuff is so cute I'm having trouble parting with it even though Toby won't fit into it anymore. I keep thinking "my next son could wear this" then I remember that I don't want that extra baby anytime soon!
Speaking of mommy brain and mommy time, I'm rambling too much and need to go check on Toby. Hugs to everyone!
Speaking of, the ppd is getting much better. I was at a terrible point about two weeks ago and I had to call the psych on her emergency cell phone b/c I was *this* close to doing something really stupid, and although part of my brain knew it was irrational and stupid, the other part was telling me to do it - it was the craziest thing I never want to relive. I went in to see her the next day and she kept telling me how severe the depression had gotten, that I was in no way in any shape to return to work yet, that the birth control pills might make it worse or help - but nothing in between b/c my biggest problem is my brain's super sensitivity to hormonal changes (I did go through a depression in the first trimester as well, but nothing like this). She put me on an antipsychotic medication they give to schizos and people in postpartum psychosis - and told me not to look it up b/c it'd just scare me (of course that's the first thing I did), but that I was on a very low dose and the real crazies get up to 800 mg (I was on 25). That combined with an increase in the prozac really seemed to help, and I saw her again two weeks later. She said I was at 60%, and she doesn't want me to go to work until I'm at least 90 b/c any stress I encounter at work may set me all the way back, but I am improving.
We doubled the nighttime anxiety med and ever since then I feel like a whole new person. I have had entire good days of actually feeling the love for Toby that I first felt the first 3 days (the ppd seemed to hit at the end of the third day where I feel like I turned into a different person and haven't been the same since). I want to cuddle him now, I can look at him and *want* to touch him, and all that love that I felt as soon as I heard him crying in the OR, it's all back. Of course it still comes and goes, but it is staying longer, and I haven't been able to feel those loving feelings since day 3, so that is a huge improvement.
Thursday Toby goes for his 2 month checkup, I'm going to ask if he needs his tongue clipped, I think it may be too attached and that may be why he never really latched on? And I think he has reflux. Sigh. We did get WIC and they pay for Alimentum, which we have been giving him the past week... I see no difference from that and the Gentlease that is positive enough to like the Alimentum. We're still saving the coupons and stocking up on Gentlease... and *whisper* in a way exchanging some of the Alimentum for Gentlease, some of it at least. I still think he is best on the Gentlease, and in another month he may be able to tolerate the regular Enfamil a lot better - he takes it well in the daytime but he has been extra fussy this past week so I have held off giving it to him.
I just filled up two boxes of Toby's 0-3 month clothes to take to the triplets' home. They all came home last week, I have no idea how those parents can cope with that and their other son who I think is maybe 2 or even younger. Some of the stuff is so cute I'm having trouble parting with it even though Toby won't fit into it anymore. I keep thinking "my next son could wear this" then I remember that I don't want that extra baby anytime soon!
Speaking of mommy brain and mommy time, I'm rambling too much and need to go check on Toby. Hugs to everyone!
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