Long time no... something
I tried something different this time, enjoy the pictures, it'll help you get through the boring stuff.
Can you believe he's 3 months' old already?!? The thought makes me so sad. Because of the postpartum depression having me in such a fog, I feel like I've lost two months' of his life that I'll never get back. Granted it's the two months that people say are the most boring, but it would have been nice for me to remember it - and have fond memories of it. It's all a fog to me. I know I was there, got the t-shirt and medical bills, but what happened?
So let's start with the good... no great! news - I'm almost better from the ppd. Almost as in - I have finally reached that euphoria of love-my-son-so-much-itis that all the moms told me I'd have from the beginning. I'm having these milestones that only really mean something to me but I'm making mental still pictures of them. Milestones such as - looking at my son got an actual genuine from the joy-filled heart smile out of me. No faking it, no anxiety, panic or 'I wish I could love you' thoughts. And not only that, for two days I have taken care of Toby all on my own while Pete went to work. That is something that would have never been able to happen the first few months, but now - it's old hat.
Granted, I don't want everyone to get overconfident about this and think that I'm officially healed and will never have a bad moment again - b/c that kind of thinking just makes me feel all the worse when I do have a bad moment. And I do have them, but now it is once a week instead of once every 15 minutes. Only two anxiety attacks and breakdowns in the past two weeks - can you believe it?!? I'm on the drugs that they give people who are institutionalized, but hey, whatever works to make me love my son, I'll take it.
Now for the stuff you missed - condensed version. Pete did go back to work for a few days, working on a schedule so that it was a day my mom wasn't working - so I wouldn't be alone. It helped me to have that backup plan, so my anxiety wouldn't get out of hand. Day one - worked fine. Day two - really dodgy, Day three - out of control back in the bathroom trying to pry a razor blade from my Venus razor just for a little cut, to make myself feel better. (Note - I have never done anything so stupid ever, and was stopped before I did it this time, but never in my life did it seem so *rational* to do it).
Two more trips to the psychiatrist, one to the kooky therapist, an increase in the drugs, and I'm back on track. Pete quits his job since I just couldn't handle it and we decide that even though the psychiatrist hasn't cleared me for work, it was time I started looking for a job so Pete could stay at home with Toby - which was our original plan before we were even pregnant.
Yeah, that job search didn't pan out. Who wants to hire a college graduate when you can get a high school grad for $8 an hour? The money situation just kept getting more dire and dire, we got on WIC, got on Food Stamps, applied to get Toby on medicaid, and continued to file for the unemployment that I still haven't received since September (long story, basically the office that handles this is run by monkeys, and not even intelligent ones at that).
So we had a test run. Pete worked for a contractor who was "fixing" our house (ahem, still not fixed) so he was able to do some work while at home in case I needed him. That day went so well we tried another, and I did great! Tried another, and had another great day until the evening when another breakdown came - but it wasn't as bad and I got through it. It was horrible. But I got through it. So today was the second day completely without him and I think we did pretty good.
I do have to tell the secret though. The secret to my success was that Pete and I went to visit some church friends of ours who had 10 week old triplet boys and an almost 2 year old son. We went over to drop off Toby's old clothes that he outgrew so quickly and a few things we didn't use that they probably could. We ended up staying the entire afternoon and most of the night, helping them feed and just hold and take care of the triplets while Toby chilled out in a bouncer seat 'talking' to the not-yet 2 year old. It was our anniversary and we had a great time being super parents and talking to other real parents who were facing the same things we were and more. They bought us take out for dinner and we ate while each holding a baby, watched 'Deal or No deal' on mute on tv and talked about parenthood.
What was so wonderful about that night was that I got to see how they handle a 2 year old and 3 triplets. These triplets were 10 weeks old but that day was their actual due date so they were basically just born (all still smaller than Toby was at birth!). One of them would start to fuss and I'd get up to take him and his mom would say "he's okay" and we'd wait and he'd be fine. It was good I got to see that, because it made me much more relaxed with Toby. It won't be the end of the world if he has to fuss a few minutes before I can get to him - and twice he has fallen asleep before I even got there! So our 4th wedding anniversary was spent holding babies and learning a great life lesson.
Now for the good stuff - here's our pride and joy at 3 months' old:
Can you believe he's 3 months' old already?!? The thought makes me so sad. Because of the postpartum depression having me in such a fog, I feel like I've lost two months' of his life that I'll never get back. Granted it's the two months that people say are the most boring, but it would have been nice for me to remember it - and have fond memories of it. It's all a fog to me. I know I was there, got the t-shirt and medical bills, but what happened?
So let's start with the good... no great! news - I'm almost better from the ppd. Almost as in - I have finally reached that euphoria of love-my-son-so-much-itis that all the moms told me I'd have from the beginning. I'm having these milestones that only really mean something to me but I'm making mental still pictures of them. Milestones such as - looking at my son got an actual genuine from the joy-filled heart smile out of me. No faking it, no anxiety, panic or 'I wish I could love you' thoughts. And not only that, for two days I have taken care of Toby all on my own while Pete went to work. That is something that would have never been able to happen the first few months, but now - it's old hat.
Granted, I don't want everyone to get overconfident about this and think that I'm officially healed and will never have a bad moment again - b/c that kind of thinking just makes me feel all the worse when I do have a bad moment. And I do have them, but now it is once a week instead of once every 15 minutes. Only two anxiety attacks and breakdowns in the past two weeks - can you believe it?!? I'm on the drugs that they give people who are institutionalized, but hey, whatever works to make me love my son, I'll take it.
Now for the stuff you missed - condensed version. Pete did go back to work for a few days, working on a schedule so that it was a day my mom wasn't working - so I wouldn't be alone. It helped me to have that backup plan, so my anxiety wouldn't get out of hand. Day one - worked fine. Day two - really dodgy, Day three - out of control back in the bathroom trying to pry a razor blade from my Venus razor just for a little cut, to make myself feel better. (Note - I have never done anything so stupid ever, and was stopped before I did it this time, but never in my life did it seem so *rational* to do it).Two more trips to the psychiatrist, one to the kooky therapist, an increase in the drugs, and I'm back on track. Pete quits his job since I just couldn't handle it and we decide that even though the psychiatrist hasn't cleared me for work, it was time I started looking for a job so Pete could stay at home with Toby - which was our original plan before we were even pregnant.
Yeah, that job search didn't pan out. Who wants to hire a college graduate when you can get a high school grad for $8 an hour? The money situation just kept getting more dire and dire, we got on WIC, got on Food Stamps, applied to get Toby on medicaid, and continued to file for the unemployment that I still haven't received since September (long story, basically the office that handles this is run by monkeys, and not even intelligent ones at that).
So we had a test run. Pete worked for a contractor who was "fixing" our house (ahem, still not fixed) so he was able to do some work while at home in case I needed him. That day went so well we tried another, and I did great! Tried another, and had another great day until the evening when another breakdown came - but it wasn't as bad and I got through it. It was horrible. But I got through it. So today was the second day completely without him and I think we did pretty good.
I do have to tell the secret though. The secret to my success was that Pete and I went to visit some church friends of ours who had 10 week old triplet boys and an almost 2 year old son. We went over to drop off Toby's old clothes that he outgrew so quickly and a few things we didn't use that they probably could. We ended up staying the entire afternoon and most of the night, helping them feed and just hold and take care of the triplets while Toby chilled out in a bouncer seat 'talking' to the not-yet 2 year old. It was our anniversary and we had a great time being super parents and talking to other real parents who were facing the same things we were and more. They bought us take out for dinner and we ate while each holding a baby, watched 'Deal or No deal' on mute on tv and talked about parenthood.
What was so wonderful about that night was that I got to see how they handle a 2 year old and 3 triplets. These triplets were 10 weeks old but that day was their actual due date so they were basically just born (all still smaller than Toby was at birth!). One of them would start to fuss and I'd get up to take him and his mom would say "he's okay" and we'd wait and he'd be fine. It was good I got to see that, because it made me much more relaxed with Toby. It won't be the end of the world if he has to fuss a few minutes before I can get to him - and twice he has fallen asleep before I even got there! So our 4th wedding anniversary was spent holding babies and learning a great life lesson.
Now for the good stuff - here's our pride and joy at 3 months' old:
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