For those still paying attention - we're still pregnant. Our house still has a hole in it that the insurance company has yet to agree to pay for, this third trimester of pregnancy has made me feel completely crappy, my emotions are on a rollercoaster, DH still has no visa although his file is finally in London which is where it should've been months ago, we're both broke and I'm stressing about paying these doctor bills and setting up baby's health insurance and finding a pediatrician, and also stressing about the baby stuff we need and don't have, and no money to get it with. Oh and the gestational diabetes is still going on, driving me crazy. I have to force myself to eat 5 times a day, especially the first and last meals, and although my diet has been the same, my numbers have been escalating the past week, either due to increase in hormones or stress, or the cold I have from the dust and mold left in the house from the hurricane. Who knows.
Now that I've been that bright ray of sunshine, let's go into detail.
I've realized that I have less than 8 weeks to go now with this pregnancy. With my regular OB, my due date is December 9, which was determined by the baby's size in the very first ultrasound, which they say is the most reliable for determining due dates. With the specialist that I see who monitors my diabetes and measures the baby's growth every four weeks, my due date is Dec 2, I guess decided upon from an average of measurements taken of the baby around 24 weeks.
In my mind and intuition, I feel that my due date will be the last week in November. From Nov 22-29. That is determined by just how I feel and my own uninformed judgement. I just have this feeling that he won't have a December birthday, unless it is very early December.
We'll see. The doctors should know the best right? They're the medical professionals after all. I'm just a blubbering mess of hormones, emotions, and back pain who has to pee every 5-10 minutes whether I'm asleep or not. I'm the one who has to run to the bathroom every time I sneeze or laugh.
The latest on our Toby's size - supposedly I'm either at 33 or 34 weeks out of the 40 that they call full term. The baby should be weighing (they estimate weight by measuring the circumference of the head, stomach, and length of the thigh bone in the ultrasound) about 4 lbs to 4.5lbs. Well darling, sweet, precious, kung-fu expert Toby is at an estimated weight of 6 lbs.
SIX freaking pounds.
When I was born, at either 2 or 3 weeks early, I was a little over 6 lbs. Either 6.5 lbs or 6 lbs 1oz, my mother can't remember. DH was 10 days late and 8 lbs, ? oz (sorry I've forgotten!).
This boy is on schedule to be huge if he goes the 40 weeks if the doctors' schedule is correct on my due date.
Can I faint now?
Not only that, but we went to our first "birthing" class. It was just an informational session really on what goes on during labor, and we watched videos of a regular birth and a C section. Had they shown me that video when I was younger, I would be a nun by now and in no way would have gone near the opposite sex. But instead I see the video in my third trimester when I'm already wondering how I can muster the energy to walk from the building to the car. They also passed around things that measured the various centimeters that your cervix dilates, the biggest being 10 cm.
Have I mentioned that as of now, Toby's head is measuring 9.73 cm?
Yes, I'm scared.
I relayed my fears to my OB who isn't worried yet. He'll see me again in two weeks and that's when they'll monitor things that will help determine just how should I deliver this baby. I can't believe it, but I'm actually crossing my fingers for a c section, or a boy who doesn't grow much more at the moment. A few weeks ago I didn't want to go near a c section and wasn't too frightened of how we'll get the baby, just as long as we got him.
So, two more weeks and we'll see.
Toby is already in position as well. Head down so that he can hiccup and punch my bladder and his feet dig into my ribs so I can know how it feels to not be able to breathe well. He loves to kick my ribs at night and hiccup to wake me up in the morning, and punch anytime someone presses on my belly, especially if it is DH pressing his ear to my stomach. I think that's his way of saying hi to Daddy.
Aside from those baby fears, the other baby fears have settled in. As in, how in the heck will I be able to take care of him? I've never even babysat for a baby, and I've only held an infant once, very uncomfortably, and was forced to hold one by my co-workers who just thought it was funny that I had never held a baby before. Now I'll have to instantly know how to hold and take care of one without anybody's help when it is 3am and DH is passed out asleep (he's impossible to wake up sometimes, and I have to face it, he'll need to sleep if he's going to be getting up to go to work which hopefully will happen soon). But it's not only that. I've read the baby books, seen the videos, and we're taking some classes... so Im learning.
The other fear is, will he like me?
One reason I've stayed away from children and infants is that I never know what to say to or do with them. They stare at me and run or cry, as if they can smell my fear. What if this one is the same? What if he doesn't like me? I realize it's an irrational fear, but it's there.
And the more practical fear of the day - how in the heck will we get this baby stuff we need? We've been given some gifts, some great ones, and some cute but impractical ones as well. However, there is still a list of things we'll need. Must haves that all the other moms tell me to get, yet we really don't have the means to get them. And I hate to ask someone to get them for me. We have a lot of cute clothes, mostly in newborn or 0-3 months. I'm afraid Toby might be too big for his newborn clothes, and will probably grow out of the 0-3 month clothing overnight. Plus, we don't have the types of clothing that the other moms are suggesting. Gowns for ease of changing diapers at night, onesies that actually fit (the Gerber ones we were given look too small already), and do we have enough to not have to do two loads of washing a day? It's not only that, there are some other things. Diapers, of course. We were given 3 packages of them, but one is a newborn size that Toby might have overgrown by the time he is born. And the diaper pail. Right now we don't have one. The plan is to get one. Somehow so we're not running through the house to throw away a diaper in the garage everytime, especially if it is the middle of the night.
Actually, I can't believe I'm even blubbering about that stuff, so I'll stop for now. I may seem very pessimisstic right now, but I also can't describe how much I am looking forward to having this baby. I sit in the nursery and it brings me so much peace. I take out the clothes we have, the toys and even the diaper packages, and just get such an urge, of
can't wait, as though this were christmas eve and my dream gift is just about to arrive. I can't wait to see him, to take care of him, play with him, and even more, to see DH be a daddy to him. I'm so, so blessed with a husband who I think will be that kind of Dad who won't be able to stand to be away from his child. He was the one who got me excited in the first place when I first learned we were pregnant, and he is the one who has encouraged me and kept me going through these long months of ups and downs. He was the one who wanted to rush out and buy the special baby detergent to wash the new clothes in so we'd have another excuse to "play" with them, and he is the one who had us rent out a video about taking care of babies from the library. I can't imagine having this baby without him, and I think that in case I do have one of those difficult labors with this big noggin'd boy, it will be him who will keep me excited and able to muster the energy. Don't tell him that though, he'll never believe it.
And unrelated - our kitties, Charlie and Max, are hurt. They both somehow got into a fight with either a dog or another cat, and Charlie has an abcess on his eyelid and forehead that swells his eye shut, and Max has one on his leg. Max's is easier to care for since we don't have the fear of putting anything into his eye, and his leg is healing nicely. We took Charlie to the vet for some antibiotics, and I have to give them to him twice a day (b/c DH is too scared to, although he bravely did it this morning when I was having trouble), and somehow have to squeeze, clean out and medicate the abcess which is something both of us hate to do b/c we're so scared of hurting him (plus it is just gross!). I've been in another world this past week just worrying over these two cats, I don't know if it is my hormones or if I would act like this unpregnant and they were hurt, but those two just worry me all day and night. I hate to see them in pain, and I hate to have to cause them pain to help them.
Anyway, that's all folks. All for now. It is time to check my blood sugar and force myself to eat another meal that I'm too exhausted to prepare. DH rented out the newest Tony Hawks' skateboarding game on the Playstation2, so don't expect to hear from him for a week or so. I have to give him credit though, he has been waiting on me hand and foot for so long and hasn't touched his PS2 in a while, so I'm giving him this week to have his fun and be a Playstation zombie again... as long as I'm still the princess. ;)
