I'm not so sure I have all the right goals in mind when thinking about this diet...

After seeing so many ways to flaunt your nekkid (I realize it's spelled naked but down south it's nekkid) body in New Orleans, I've found new goals.

* I want to be able to wear just a bra, panties, a slip, and a wedding veil to the next Mardi Gras, if I wanted to.

*If I felt the need, I want to be able to walk around flaunting my painted chest without making the public gag.

*I want to be purty (southern for pretty) for those floats. Fat and ugly people just don't get beads or the good stuff. Whatever I catch seems to be thrown to somebody else and lands on me once it has ricocheted off of someone else's hand.

*I want a new body by next Mardi Gras so DH (hubby's new nickname) won't gawk so much at the skinny topless ladies, since he'll have one on his arm.

I think that about does it, Mardi Gras was an entire step in the right direction for my new diet.... except I need to find a new cure to a hangover that doesn't include greasy burger.

:

Another Mardi Gras

*This post has been edited since venting wife has had time to sleep - not that anything is better today but sleep is always a good thing*

Mardi Gras:

Time when we decided it would be too rainy and storming to go this year: Monday night, 8pm.

Time when we decided although it wasn't raining in Baton Rouge, we still shouldn't go: Tuesday morning 9am.

Place where we found ourselves Tuesday at noon: In car driving along Interstate 10 towards New Orleans

Drinks consumed: 2 (me), 12 (Hubby, known from this point on as FW)

Times we found wallet to be empty which required a trip to the ATM for more drinks: Once although would have been twice had we stayed longer

Amount of men seen wearing a diaper: Only one this time

Amount of half-naked women wearing nothing more than their trousers and a painted top half - Six

Amount of boobie painted women we took pictures of: One, once we remembered that we had actually brought a camera with us

Parades seen: half of one

Beads and other items caught: Maybe ten

Beads and other items that hit us in the head/eye/parts of body and then stolen by kids nearby: Probably thousands

Doorways peed in by FW: Only one this time

Times FW burned others with his cigarette or cigar: Three

Times FW acted in such a way that others around laughed at him, even though the others were wearing diapers/santa outfits/painted boobs: Several

Times wife tried to keep a "I'm not with him" distance from FW in order to save embarrassment: Five or Six

Splinters gained from throwing spears at parade: One

Person who slapped spear in head causing splinter: FW

Illogical disgruntled ramblings and criticisms of wife told by FW: One major

I.D.R and C forgiven by wife: Check back later

Plans to take FW back next year: None

In conclusion, Mardi Gras was a blast.

mMMMM MOR EDAQUIRIS

We went to the drive thru daquiri place again (yes, it's louisiana). I was upset that we may not go to Mardi Gras tomorrow in new orleans, we put off going for weeks now (celebrations go on for a long time and end tuesday at midnight)... and the one day we plan to go it's supposed to be storming badly. I thought maybe we could do it and just be wet... but then it hailed on us tonight while we were walking in a parking lot and got soaked and pegged by nasty hail balls. Bastards.

Mmmmm daquiris... I'm drinking a white russian, the daquiri at least, i don't think white russians are actually drinkable, I've never been to russia and i don't know. Mmmmm white russian

It's proof they don't listen

I don't have a voice in my family, something due to being the youngest and probably the most boring of all since I don't have any reason to appear on Jerry Springer as of yet...

Last year my husband and I made a website on geocities, and on one of my pages, I linked a buddy's website. He happens to be a gay male, and includes a story on his website about his coming into his homosexuality, and warns to readers that the story is graphic at times. I wasn't too worried when my Mom read it, I trust my family to be respecting adults who understand that I am old enough to decide what links I put on my website and what I don't put. Well that was too strong of an ASSumption for me apparently.

After getting an earful from my dear Mother, I added a warning on my own page (since she proved that the big warning on my friend's page can be overlooked). This warning states:

"...if you're a relative of mine over the age of 32, or an overly conservative person, or a southern baptist, then please do not read his stories if there is a warning, he really means those warnings!"

Warning enough correct? Not so much. One of my conservative, southern baptist aunts over the age of 32 (I put that age b/c that is the age of my oldest relative who I think would enjoy different perspectives) clicked the link, apparently without reading the warning. Even though she had to click that link, and go to a completely different site that has pictures of the man who wrote it, and then click other links in order to get to his story... she somehow believed that I had written some overly erotic novel on homosexuality and called my Mother worried.

This makes me wonder just exactly what DID my family think of me when I attended an all women's college, did they call each other behind my back worried that I was a lesbian? Is THAT why they were so shocked when I returned from England with a husband?

I love my british in-laws. I'll hardly know if they ever disagree with anything I put up online or talk about, because they're so accepting of an open mind and actually listen to what I say. It's refreshing.

Family... they remind us daily just why we're trying to run from them.

Today's Tally

Suck level: 5ish but that could get better or worse... today IS payday... but it's also bill day

Cigarettes: 1 (sorry! it's a temporary thing, happens whenever I'm overwhelmed with life, like right now

Kisses from hubby: thousands... I really do have the best

Cheating on diet: Out the freakin' window... it's time to start over

Poos: none but give me an hour, I just had coffee

Socks: No holes and they match! woohoo!

Work done: None except for actually deciding that taking Monday off would be a good complement to Tuesday's holiday, and it would also be a great time to take the hubby to New Orleans for the big Mardi Gras parades... we were actually going to MISS it this year, which seems almost a sin when I live an hour from N'awlins, and even my govt job gives me the holiday off.

Chocolate ingested: None, but it's early.

Sorry to have such a boring blog today, last night was exhausting. No good news on my sister yet, I'll just keep the bad to myself since I have faith it will get better. Cheerio, and thanks to those who helped me with figuring out how to put pics up on this thing, I'll try some tonight.

I need help

Anyone care to share with me, in blonde terms, how to upload images, or perhaps show images that are uploaded onto another one of my own sites onto this blog?

I'm completely clueless.

BACK

Back from Mississippi. Sis still in hospital, looks like she isn't going to die, but she isn't getting any better, and will remain in hospital.

Traveling and dieting don't go hand in hand. Hubby and I first ruined the diet by stopping off at Krystal (there aren't any in Louisiana, we have to take advantage when we can!) then Cresta (sis) had tons of chocolate in her room... we did good, but those hospital vending machines are just dying to pull us down. I haven't had those creme filled cupcakes in forever, yummy!

Then... (gee thanks Bernie!) we went to Waffle House this morning for breakfast. It never tasted so good before. My coffee cup didn't have someone else's lipstick on it, the waitress only forgot to bring me extra coffee once, and my hashbrowns didn't have anyone else's hair in it. It was perfect. So perfect that now I'm feeling the urge to go back and have a grilled cheese. It was hubby's first Waffle House experience. He thinks it's "all right" (Which from a british man can mean anything from "shite" to "the dog's bollocks" (really good).

I had a first today too... It was the first time I've ever been in the Waffle House during broad daylight. How strange to be there during regular eating hours. It wasn't like the twilight zone, it's a daylight place too. Go figure.

Feeling tired, exhausted and drained. Back to work tomorrow (blah). Take care everyone,

Farewell

Going to Jackson (MS) tomorrow to visit sister in hospital. She has SJS, we found out on Friday and it's not good. You can read more about it on hubby's blog. No diet today, someone shoved a chocolate cupcake in my mouth when I told them about sis, and somehow when my mother drives by a Target, chocolate croissants get stuck in her car (well how did that happen?).

Not hungry really anyway. I'll post when I return, possibly Thursday. Take care all.

Pete and I watched L'Auberge Espagnole (one of 'dem forriner moving pictures) last night. It was about a 25 year old from Paris who took a year abroad to live in Barcelona for postgraduate school. Not that I really consider Paris to Barcelona too abroad, as I had to go 5,000 miles for my abroad experience... but the movie hit home on a few things for me.

It turned out of course, that his year was well worth it, for personal growth as well as to have something of his life so memorable that by the end, he couldn't enjoy his life back home. I experienced the same thing when I returned from England. Most of my senior year of college was spent holed up in a little dorm room with some of my also-gone-abroad-to-England friends, smoking and reminiscing while we missed most of the fun that college seniors are supposed to have. It didn't help that I had left my heart in England, in the palm of Pete's hand... but I also missed the Ash that was in England. I had somehow become an Independent, courageous and strong woman while I was there, taking on many challenges without a moment's hesitation; then I came back to the States with everyone expecting me to be the same old shy, sweet, non-smoking, please walk all over me Ashley.. and I allowed myself to fall back into that as well.

One of the things I can't get over from the first year I spent in England (I went back after college, and eventually married that person who had my heart), somehow I went to England a size 22/24... and came back an 18 on the verge of 16. I was healthy, I could touch my toes, wear revealing nice looking shirts and walk in heels without twisting an ankle. I even believed I was sexy.

I certainly don't do that now, and am of course back to the 24 going on 26 size, no heels, not one bit of sexy, and at this moment am wearing an Old Navy huge oversized sweater for Men, size XXL, that I feel most comfortable in. What happened? How did I manage to come back from England in the first place with all that courage and enthusiasm for myself?

The main difference I found, was that I walked freakin' everywhere. We walked a mile and a half to campus, a few miles to town if the buses weren't running, two miles or more from train or tube stations to our classes in London and Oxford, and not to mention our trips through Europe that were spent walking in circles, trying to find the hostel/bus station/train station/nearest McDonald's or grocery store. And I drank a lot of tea. Is that the secret to success? Walking and tea? I'd love to try that now, but where I live we don't even have sidewalks. The most walking I can do is from the parking garage to work, which is about two blocks, and even then some ladies from work offer to give rides to those who can't be bothered to walk that far. I do own a treadmill, and I hate it. Because of my weight, it bounces with every step, and I'm too embarrassed to walk on it with anybody else present in the house. I don't know how I could manage doing that in a gym or health club. Everyone would be able to see the treadmill bouncing from side to side because I'm so damn heavy.

Sigh... I miss the me that had the courage to put on her fat clothes and go out into the public in the land of skinnies (ie England). I miss the me that had the ability to walk 2 miles to class in Oxford and not show up out of breath and sweaty. I miss the me that somehow managed to still eat cookies, McDonald's, breaded chicken and cinnamon toast... and go down two sizes.

I miss England.

A Note From my Dietician:

Here are a few tips to help improve your diet progress-

*Stop eating the M&M's, you're not going to find the colors and win the contest, have you read the rules lately? That contest ended January 28.

*Sugar-Free ice cream DOES have less carbs than regular ice cream. However, the bottle of Magic Shell you put on top does not count as a tablespoon of fruit. Also, three bowls a day doesn't make it a diet anymore.

*The answer is still No. The stinkier the poo does NOT mean the more weight you are losing.

*I appreciate your suggestion of a liquid diet, however your liver may not agree. Stick to water (without the vodka).

*Exercise is more than walking up and down the aisles of the grocery store, especially if you are eating a Snickers bar at the time.

*Last but not least, getting naked does NOT mean you have suddenly lost 5 lbs. Put your clothes back on.

-------------------------------------------------
Sigh... I'll never lose this weight will I?

Just Flush It

Came into work this morning and B was in the hallway trying to get everyone to eat her husband's cake.

"Here just try a piece, it's SO good!"

I noticed she didn't have a bite of it. Her husband apparently makes the same cake most Fridays and she brings it to work to push onto us. It's overly sweet, made of canned biscuits with some type of coconut jelly and hershey's chocolate kisses put in the center of each biscuit, as if they were cake nipples.

It's not my sick mind that sees it, everyone does.

"Oh, yummy! Janet Jackson cake!"

See? Boob cake. I tried to eat some of it last time, and my mistake was to talk to folks in the hallway with a stryofoam plate of the cake in my hand. I had to eat it b/c she was looking at me. I couldn't throw it away in front of her.

This time I went into my office and started getting things ready for the day, avoiding the hallway altogether. B came in with a plate of cake and a plastic fork.

"I'm on a diet, I can't."

"Do you REALLY stick to your diet?" Ugh... she got me. I glanced at the pile of Valentine's candy placed on my desk by skinny co-workers out to get me. I noticed a bag of red and white m&ms sitting on the bottom. Mmm.. m&ms.

"Well... "

"It's dietetic, just drink a lot of water, flush it right down." She put the cake on my desk and walked away.

Flush it... wow, that was a great idea. I took the cake, ate the Hershey's kiss off of the top of the biscuit, and took one bite...

and I flushed it, the cake went spiraling right down the toilet. Thanks B for the tip. I'll have a piece of that cake every Friday.

Bartlett for President

Off the diet topic, because frankly I don't know where else to put it...

My ideal President is Bartlett, with the rest of the staff from the West Wing, he can spell, he can read, the show's writers have him showing a brain... and he doesn't make stupid rash decisions. Then again, his assistant Leo seems to know more than he does, so how about him?

Why can't we just vote a fictional character in the White House instead? It'd be much better.

Unrelated:
Another email from Slush

RE: Depths of the twinkie factory

Ash, I sat next to skinny bitch in class today. She passed one and tried to blame it on me. Why bring the fat man down with blaming flatulence? Claim it like a man.

I let out a better one, turned to her and said "You have to actually eat to make 'em THIS good."

I'm trying a new diet, a liquid diet consisting of vodka and orange juice for breakfast, coffee with irish cream as a snack, and jack daniel's and coke for the rest of the day. By dinner I'm already asleep, no need to eat, and I feel too much like hell to get up for breakfast the next day. Bring it on.

Love you, I'm sending you some twinkies in the mail because all your talk of dieting has me scared. Don't do it, you're letting the skinny bitches win.

Slush

A New Leaf

Really... Tomorrow is the beginning a brand new leaf. I WILL stick to this diet, and have another big week of losing more than five pounds (or two, I'd be happy with TWO!). I learned this past week, not to expect to lose weight after coming off of a lost ten pounds week (still have to congratulate myself on that week since I have nothing to say yay for on this past week).

Some useful diet advice for those who cheat:

It's okay to cheat, as long as you...

Just have that one bag of m&m's... and not just one bag, once a day.
-Correct yourself, when you go into Wendy's thinking "chili and salad" yet saying "number one with a coke please"... correct yourself and say "oops, I meant low fat chili and a garden salad"
-Those Subway wraps ARE good... but not for every single meal.
-double your meat portion once a week, instead of once a day... especially if it's steak.
-don't count a Wendy's burger as a 4 oz meat portion with 1/2 cup of carb
-only order one McDonald's McGriddle, the asparagus you brought for lunch isn't THAT bad

Really... I WILL do better. I'm so glad the past week is over, I just want to forget it ever happened. I did so well, but my body can't stand to see me succeed. It just HAD to beg for those m&m's at the office (oh, and those other things too). I'll just take one tiny little memory with me, from this past week of "consumed foods to forget"....

Those donuts at church were DAMN good.

Mmmm Daquiris

Mmmmm Daquiris

I'm not so sure they wonderfully fit my diet regime, but Hubby and I decided to swing through the daquiri world drive-thru and pick up a tasty drink. He got a LARGE strawberry banana and I got a medium (which was too big for me, to be honest) dreamsicle.

They should've called it dreamsickle. Hubby finished it, I haven't had alcohol in a long time. Tomorrow morning should be interesting.

Argh!

I'm having troubles with this template. I try to make it post the date and subject... but instead it will post all three titles and dates at once, then the bodies... ARGH!

Maybe I should go back to the old one. I also changed hubby's blog design... what do you think? Ramblings of an Englishman

New Look

Well, I can't change my own look physically, or cover it with pretty clothes, but I can change my blog look. What do you think? I altered someone else's template (there's credit in the source code) for my hubby's blog but he doesn't like the colors (colours - he's a brit). So I'm using it myself. Like this one worse? Better? Anyone? Anyone?

Speaking of new looks... I think Monday will be a clean slate for me. This past week has been an awful awful pathetic attempt at dieting. We discovered a low carb wrap at Subway, m&m's got to me (i thought i could win a contest that ended last month), and although I haven't gained any weight, I doubt I've lost any... a big difference when coming off of a week where I lost 10 pounds.

Here's to an okay weekend, and a starving week ahead.

No longer Jim Crow, Now Big Bird laws

I got a clothing magazine in the mail last week, from a company that sells regular size and plus size clothing. As I flipped through the magazine, I realized that instead of looking at the pictures of what interested me, I should instead look at the descriptions to see what is actually offered in my plus size. The answer: hardly anything someone would feel good wearing.

I turned page after page of nice looking business suits, decent in-style casual wear, and glamorous evening wear, not finding on article of clothing listed in my size. At the very back of the magazine in a section invisibly named "Muumuu's and other uglies galore," were a few pages of potato sacks and chiffon/polyester "evening wear" tents, in my size.

I feel as though every "regular size" clothing company does this, if they ever do offer a plus size option. When I think about all of the pieces of clothing in my size that are for sale at shops in my area, I realize that we are being forced to be marked "definite outcast" by the skinny fashion designers. Even the clothiers who only offer plus size clothing still have a long way to go when it comes to offering decent attire that is similar to the in-style fashions of the skinny clothiers. Every now and then I will find some decent clothes at one of these plus size stores, only to find that each piece is marked with something glittery, lacey, zipped, or something extra tacky to say "this must have an extra tacky ruffle to ensure this fat person will be laughed at."

Where are my decent clothing options? I do admit that there are rare times when I may find something decent, and if I don't buy 10 of them at the same time, I will never see it again. I say 10 of them, because I wear them so much (due to lack of other decent clothing) that they wear out quickly and I am reduced to shopping at Old Navy's clearance MEN's section hunting for XXL shirts to go with my $10 Wal-Mart "stretch" (ewwww like we want something hugging our bodies and showing every curve, roll and bulge) jeans. This made attending an all women's college extra difficult, because most people couldn't tell if I was a butch lesbian, or a fat tom-boy.

These are the Big Bird laws of today. Voluptuous women are forced to dress in ugly, out of date, itchy and cheap looking attire because they are different, and that will never be accepted by society. Not only do we have to be this big, but we have to dress appropriately. I'm sick of it, I hate it, and my husband wants his XXL sweatshirts back (not to mention all of his comfy socks but that's another story). How can I look professional in the workplace, when my polyester/chiffon business suit has ruffles on the sleeves with HUGE bright pink plastic buttons and bows?

It's time we take a stand, and start an organization that will fund and support overweight women to get the education they need to become fashion designers. Where is the Bertha Louise May label? Or Donna KanKan? Give me Verfatche, and Dooney and Pork.

An email from Slush

RE: My life plan

Ash,

Screw the diets, I have an even better plan. When I finish law school I'll become rich, you'll write a book about me and we'll both be rich. What do rich people do? Surgery! We'll get sucked into skinny, and by the time all of our skinny bitch friends are plump from motherhood and rubbing over-priced lotion onto their stretch marks, we'll flaunt our popsicle stick bodies with big boobs and rub it IN THEIR FACES! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

So put that cabbage down and crack a window, you smell awful. Come over and help me finish this cake. Actually, come over and bring another cake for you to eat, I'm not sharing this one.

P.S. Did I mention I'll get lots of sex?

P.P.S. Bring some whiskey too.
Love you,
Slush

Super Woman no more

No, I haven't done anything too horrible. Diet is the same, but I could really maim some office people who have some very yummy smelling lunches. I think I smell Popeye's fried chicken with cajun fries from one office, and some very yummy smelling chinese food from another.

Why? Why me?

I'm not due for my next meal for another hour... I don't know how I can last. I've drank the cinnamon tea, the extra glasses of water, and had a huge juicy peach at the last meal. Yet my body feels like I'm an ethiopian child stuck outside a Wendy's (sorry T.J.!) in the freezing cold.

Something else that is unrelated to this... I'm thinking of changing the blog title again. Maybe I should just change it to fickle fatty.

I am Super-Woman

I can do this.

This morning whilst driving to work, I began to think how quickly time passes by, and how most of the time I don't feel like I'm on a diet (except when I'm craving chocolate or actually eating my 2 oz meat portion).

I can do this. A month can pass, and I might (crossing fingers here) be 25 lbs lighter. I lost 10 in one week, it could happen... right?

It's not so bad at all, I should've thought of this years ago. I don't even want all that junk I'm missing.

Then I came to a stoplight on LSU campus... next to a McDonald's and memories of the McGriddle came rushing to my head. I could taste the gooey maple syrup that's cooked in, mixed with the greasy sausage that it's wrapped around... mmmm McGriddle. I thought that I could get away with just having one, it's not a big deal really. Just one breakfast. Just one freakin breakfast on just one freakin' morning.

I can do it.

Then that dayum conscience kicked in and whispered to me, "Remember last year when you thought you could just have one and it turned into a weekly ritual?" Ah, yes, those were the days. McDonald's for breakfast on Monday, Jack in the Box for lunch on Wednesday, and Wendy's for supper on Friday. Sigh... those were the days.

But I got past it, the light turned green, I didn't even reach for my purse to see how much cash I had on me. I drove straight ahead and didn't look back.

I am Super Woman.

Those peppermint candies don't count right? It's just a breath freshener after all... right? Sigh...

The Skinny Conspiracy

I can't believe that I've gone an entire week void of chocolate.

Except for the chips in that cookie... those don't count, right?

It's starting to really hit me. Last week my body didn't respond too adversely, thinking "This is a joke, you'll give me sugar soon." By this morning, the denial is gone and the rage begins. I can hear my blood vessels, heart, stomach, and area where my gallbladder is missing shouting at me, "Okay now it's a SICK joke! Give us something sticky to store NOW!"

This morning's warfare from my body - the "Where's my Sugar Dammit" headache. I've managed to dodge it most of last week, tricking myself by drinking cinnamon tea (which is scrumptious, by the way).

I've heard warnings about the headache, the stomach pains, and the inability to smile when experiencing sugar withdrawal... but I wonder what's next. Is my hair going to fall out? Will my fingernails turn black and brittle, or will I experience a temporary blindness? This rather scares me, I've never had a sugar withdrawal in all of my 25 years. Maybe instead of going cold turkey (mmm... turkey) on my body, perhaps I should just have a little bit of sugar something to nibble.. except I don't really trust myself to have JUST a nibble.

My confusion at how my body can handle no sugar, expands into how do other people handle it? Skinny people must do it all the time, HOW? Is it a mean trick by the devil to put skinny people who just don't care about ingesting sugar on this earth to put the rest of us in misery? Is that who makes us want to be like them and who designed those airplane seats to be so darned tiny? Am I on the right track? It's not that I'm fat... it's that the devil has begun a conspiracy to take over the world by incorporating skinny people whose bodies don't process any foods, in order to bring the fat man down. That's what it is.

And to think I was going to hire one to live in my kitchen. Dayum devilish conspirators.

What Happens when you don't eat donuts

Weekly Weigh-in-

I lost ten pounds! Woohoo!

That scares me though, the next few months are going to be nothing but disappointments next to this one.

Oh, and amidst the losing ten pounds...

I had steak tonight. My portion of meat for dinner is supposed to be 2oz, really 1oz if it's beef.. but really do you know how much an ounce of steak is? Sheesh, that's just enough for you to want more and not be satisfied until you've devoured the entire thing.

So I *might* have cheated a little and had slightly more than my 1oz (more like 4oz).

I still lost ten pounds though, give me some credit!

Now onto week 2...

What's in a non-copyrighted name?

Well, it turns out that someone wrote a book called the prozac diaries so I shouldn't use that title before I get sued... a friend wouldn't let me use "Fat Brat Diaries", so I'm stuck with Ash Brat diaries... what would be better? Anyone? The Prozac Files? Dieting on Prozac? License to be Fat? I need ideas.

Diet is okay I suppose. The weekend is hard, and cooking for husband and I is hard. I realized when I tasted the fish last night that I had already eaten my portion (2 oz) just when I tasted it... oops. Plus hubby gets twice as much as I do which doesn't help.

I realized that some people give themselves rewards when they reach certain goals. What reward could I give myself? All I can think of would be food that I can't have. A donut when I've lost 35 lbs? A milkshake when I've lost 50lbs? Wait, I'll never get to losing 50lbs so forget that one.

Ok... is it wrong to reward myself with a donut?

How about a donut when I've lost 25lbs, a bowl of ice cream when I've lost 35 lbs and a digital camera (that I've been wanting and "saving for" for the past two years) when I've lost 50. Is that good? Sheesh I've never succeeded at these types of things before, so not sure what to do. Any suggestions?