Week 16 Dr's appt

Just wanted to check in and say that although the Nurse Practitioner at my OB's office treats me like a hypochondriac, my appt went well. So well, that we were able to hear the heartbeat again. DH, who missed out on hearing the heartbeat last time, was in no way going to sit in the waiting room again while I get checked out. He sat right by while the NP poked and prodded, and I think he now has some respect for what women go through in their annual appts ;). He looked a bit perturbed at one point and asked, "Does that hurt?" Poor guy already seems to put so much guilt on himself for knocking me up whenever I have any sort of pregnancy pain or problem, I'm a little worried how he'll take Labor.

Anyway, the best part of the appt of course was the heartbeat, which at 150bpm, sounds just like a galloping horse with a few thuds (kicking baby) in between. According to the old wives' tale about heartbeats, this one is a boy. We'll see how true that is in 4 more weeks when we get the big ultrasound. What has made all of this pain so worth it now, is the look on DH's face when he got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. He is a very happy, very very proud Daddy which makes me a very happy Mom.

That's all for now unless you want to hear about tales of constipation, the return of morning sickness, daily migraines that are untreatable, or sciatica.

Baby Stuff

I just can't put into words just how excited I am about this baby, but to put things into perspective, I have to tell you how I initially felt.

As you know, this was quite a surprise. DH and I didn't plan on children until 2-3 more years, when we were more financially stable and maybe actually owned a place to live in rather than renting. I was on birth control, and DH and I shared conversations about how we can't wait to have children - in the distant future when we've grown up ourselves.

So imagine my surprise when I found out sitting in the doctor's office on April Fools' Day. I thought I was there b/c my pains were Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or some horrible thing that would make me not be able to have children, and DH thought the same. We had no clue.

And when the doctor said those words, and I made him repeat it, my very very first thought was, "it's okay, I'll miscarry anyway so I won't have to be a mom yet." I just assumed that would be my luck, and I was fine with that. I wasn't ready, DH and I weren't ready.

Then the doctor said, "Congratulations" and a tiny fear jumped in me. Fear that I actually liked the idea of being pregnant. And of course fear that I'd have to tell DH and I thought he might be upset since we weren't ready.

The first couple of weeks after that I went back and forth from "It's not real, I'm so sure I'll miscarry anyway," to, "Oh. My. God. What am I going to do?" With all of the anxiety and fear, I remember faking enthusiasm when I told my boss why I was out so much. Deep down, my fear wouldn't let me feel excited.

Now, with every week that passes without a miscarriage, I feel so thankful and ecstatic. I'm still going crazy emotionally and have all the yucky symptoms pregnant women complain about - but now I'm actually looking forward to the end result, and I can't imagine life without this prospect of a child in our family.

I don't know what changed it all, maybe mommy instinct is settling in, or maybe seeing that ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat has made this less surreal. It still freaks me out to imagine a little person growing inside me, and from what I've seen and heard of labor, I'd rather little person grow outside of me.

But I look at DH and can't wait to see him as a father, and I can't wait to be a family of 3. I don't care about career and money anymore, I just want to be a mommy. What the heck happened?

To be committed or not...

I feel as though it is time to update, but I have so many things going on at the moment that this is going to be a jumbled list I suppose.

Trip to Baton Rouge was awesome. It was wonderful and stress free being able to not worry about work and cope with my pregnancy symptoms with patience and time. My mom is working with 15 pregnant nurses right now (I told her they must have put fertility drugs in the hospital water fountain to gain more business since it's a Woman's Hospital) so I got to go baby stuff shopping with her for those baby shower gifts. My sister Cresta came to visit, and I did have the uncomfortable realization that since she is the only one in the family left who still smokes, and smokes constantly, I'm going to have to face telling her I don't want her around my baby if she has smoked that day (for some reason the smell just sticks to her like glue and does not cease). She's not going to like it, but it's my baby.

The meeting w/the Airline boss went well, but nothing is happening yet. Just promises of stuff to happen soon. Like August. We'll see.

College reunion, once I returned from Baton Rouge, was interesting. At first the college intimidated the hell out of me, and the sight of the same snobby B's that I couldn't stand before just made my stomach turn. Slush came w/me and felt the same way. But later on things got better when we hung out with different people and I came away with a smile. I'm a little disappointed that 4 years hasn't changed any of the B's to be a little more accepting and less cliquey, but oh well.

Once I returned, work has been nothing but a nightmare, getting 1000% worse each day. I really thought that I had improved over the past 6 months and had settled into my place here. I had a great 6 month performance review w/little boss while big boss was out of the country, and I spent Monday in a training class for Dreamweaver to do web design which was to be added to my job duties. Unfortunately, things started to turn uglier by the minute. Little boss asked me to miss my second training class on Tuesday to switch job duties w/another person in our office. We were told this just had to be done by the end of the summer so we were trying to just do it gradually. Instead, we threw ourselves into each other's job Tuesday and will sort out the headache later I suppose.

Then big boss came for a meeting. Basically, he told me how awful I was, how disappointed he is in my performance, and that I have an attitude that makes me say things are overwhelming when I just need to shut up and do it. Then he tore up my great 6 month review and had little boss bring in an exact opposite one, giving me an awful review. I was also threatened to be fired about 3 times.

About the 'this is overwhelming' attitude - little boss came to me one day and asked me to be honest about how i felt about this job duty change. I told her it seemed overwhelming, but with time I thought we could do it and we'll be fine. I don't know if she relayed it differently to him or what, but that's what he got out of it I guess. He also blamed me for other things that I know I didn't do and said it was b/c of my attitude... but I didn't argue just so he wouldn't have something else to say about my 'attitude'.

It felt like they were tying cement blocks to my feet and pushing me into the nastiest, dirtiest river they could find. I still feel as though I'm floating to the bottom. It's not easy to return to a job where you are seen as a complete failure with no potential. Especially not someone with my mental problems as it is. Now, I've had horrible thoughts about myself that I haven't had in years, and it scares me. I know what I need to do to help myself, but I need my mom's help and she isn't very helpful when it comes to things like this. She'd rather ignore that I have any sort of mental problems and tells me to just get over it. I'm assuming b/c she's been there at my age and just doesn't want to believe her daughter has the same thing. Anyway, I need to call her and ask for help, but what's stopping me is knowing that she isn't going to respond in the way that I need.

Thank God I have Pete. That's all I can say. For my health and the baby's health, thank god there is Pete.

As far as pregnancy goes, I'm on day 1 of week 14 and my nausea is worse than ever. I went three months without really throwing up, but now that spell is broken. It isn't fun to throw up in the glass of water that you're drinking, that's all I can say.

I just want the next two months to go as fast as possible, if we can make it to August, then I feel like we can move back to Louisiana with some dignity. I need a break from work to work on my mental issues before this baby comes, and I can't do that here. I'd move tomorrow but I want to somehow make them like me here before I go, and Pete wants to see a concert here in August. Pray that I make it.