Baby Stuff
I just can't put into words just how excited I am about this baby, but to put things into perspective, I have to tell you how I initially felt.
As you know, this was quite a surprise. DH and I didn't plan on children until 2-3 more years, when we were more financially stable and maybe actually owned a place to live in rather than renting. I was on birth control, and DH and I shared conversations about how we can't wait to have children - in the distant future when we've grown up ourselves.
So imagine my surprise when I found out sitting in the doctor's office on April Fools' Day. I thought I was there b/c my pains were Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or some horrible thing that would make me not be able to have children, and DH thought the same. We had no clue.
And when the doctor said those words, and I made him repeat it, my very very first thought was, "it's okay, I'll miscarry anyway so I won't have to be a mom yet." I just assumed that would be my luck, and I was fine with that. I wasn't ready, DH and I weren't ready.
Then the doctor said, "Congratulations" and a tiny fear jumped in me. Fear that I actually liked the idea of being pregnant. And of course fear that I'd have to tell DH and I thought he might be upset since we weren't ready.
The first couple of weeks after that I went back and forth from "It's not real, I'm so sure I'll miscarry anyway," to, "Oh. My. God. What am I going to do?" With all of the anxiety and fear, I remember faking enthusiasm when I told my boss why I was out so much. Deep down, my fear wouldn't let me feel excited.
Now, with every week that passes without a miscarriage, I feel so thankful and ecstatic. I'm still going crazy emotionally and have all the yucky symptoms pregnant women complain about - but now I'm actually looking forward to the end result, and I can't imagine life without this prospect of a child in our family.
I don't know what changed it all, maybe mommy instinct is settling in, or maybe seeing that ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat has made this less surreal. It still freaks me out to imagine a little person growing inside me, and from what I've seen and heard of labor, I'd rather little person grow outside of me.
But I look at DH and can't wait to see him as a father, and I can't wait to be a family of 3. I don't care about career and money anymore, I just want to be a mommy. What the heck happened?
As you know, this was quite a surprise. DH and I didn't plan on children until 2-3 more years, when we were more financially stable and maybe actually owned a place to live in rather than renting. I was on birth control, and DH and I shared conversations about how we can't wait to have children - in the distant future when we've grown up ourselves.
So imagine my surprise when I found out sitting in the doctor's office on April Fools' Day. I thought I was there b/c my pains were Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or some horrible thing that would make me not be able to have children, and DH thought the same. We had no clue.
And when the doctor said those words, and I made him repeat it, my very very first thought was, "it's okay, I'll miscarry anyway so I won't have to be a mom yet." I just assumed that would be my luck, and I was fine with that. I wasn't ready, DH and I weren't ready.
Then the doctor said, "Congratulations" and a tiny fear jumped in me. Fear that I actually liked the idea of being pregnant. And of course fear that I'd have to tell DH and I thought he might be upset since we weren't ready.
The first couple of weeks after that I went back and forth from "It's not real, I'm so sure I'll miscarry anyway," to, "Oh. My. God. What am I going to do?" With all of the anxiety and fear, I remember faking enthusiasm when I told my boss why I was out so much. Deep down, my fear wouldn't let me feel excited.
Now, with every week that passes without a miscarriage, I feel so thankful and ecstatic. I'm still going crazy emotionally and have all the yucky symptoms pregnant women complain about - but now I'm actually looking forward to the end result, and I can't imagine life without this prospect of a child in our family.
I don't know what changed it all, maybe mommy instinct is settling in, or maybe seeing that ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat has made this less surreal. It still freaks me out to imagine a little person growing inside me, and from what I've seen and heard of labor, I'd rather little person grow outside of me.
But I look at DH and can't wait to see him as a father, and I can't wait to be a family of 3. I don't care about career and money anymore, I just want to be a mommy. What the heck happened?
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