Psych Help
Saw the psychiatrist today who sent me on a rollercoaster.
I went in with infinite knowledge of Pregnancy and Antidepressants from my own research and talking to my OB and Doctor about it (who think it would be fine to take one of the drugs considered safer than the rest). We spoke a little bit and the first thing my Psychiatrist told me was to quit my job, or take a break for six months to a year, for the health of the baby and my own emotional health.
So my fears have been confirmed. I am too crazy to keep this job right now. While I welcome to opportunity to not deal with this stress and work on my own emotional health which I hope would help my husband as well (who would probably benefit from seeing me slightly happier), it is my job that provides the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave (albeit paid at 60% only) and my health insurance.
We'll get back to that later, meanwhile, I'm busy trying to convince the psychiatrist that life without the antidepressants has been just impossible. The more I speak to her, the more she realizes that I should be on at least something, so she agrees. However, she has to scare me first.
Liability and all. She's just trying to avoid malpractice.
So she spends the rest of my appointment warning me about taking antidepressants while pregnant. Sure there is a tiny, tiny, miniscule chance that anything would happen to my baby - but what if that happened to my baby? Am I ready for that risk? Is my husband ready for that risk?
Immediately I feel my blood pressure rising and my headache from crying just throbs even more. No longer am I confident about all the studies that I have read and what my OB doctor told me. Now I'm worried, will I ruin my child's life by delivering a down's syndrome child just because I didn't want to spend the pregnancy in the depths of despair and possibly in the path of self-harm? How selfish can I be????
Why is motherhood so damn difficult? 11 weeks of being a mother and I'm already ready to commit myself in an institution. No wonder my sisters and I thought we were driving our mother into a straight-jacket - we were working on that from the womb without even trying. We should just be amazed right now at how sane our mother sometimes seems to be.
After visiting w/the psychiatrist, I had another breakdown on the way to work from her office in speaking to my husband - who although tries his damndest to understand chemical imbalances and depression, still tries to cure everything with a kiss and telling me just how illogical it is to think the way the depressed-me feels. Poor flower just doesn't understand it, and he's not the only one - but his mouth sure gets him into a heap of trouble when he thinks he understands. It all ended with more crying, and a frappuccino from Starbucks (my new crack), and us discussing me waiting until two more weeks to begin taking the meds (Zoloft 100mg) that the psychiatrist described.
I've wasted most of my day at work doing more research on Zoloft and pregnancy, and can't find a happy medium with what I've read. About 95% of reports and studies and articles from Doctors that I have read, say that Zoloft is perfectly fine - the problem is that it has only been around since 1992, so they don't know the long-term effects, but that in comparison to the rest of the antidepressants, Zoloft is one of the safest. There have been some negative findings in studies done on animals who are fed 10 times the adult dosage and their offspring, but it is still minimal, and the human studies have not shown any negative effects - yet. The other 5% are the wishy-washy kind that just say not enough studies have been done.
So what to do - risk my job, marriage, and the ability to not do self-harm to not have that tiny risk to the baby -- or have that tiny risk to the baby? No doctor is going to give me a non-liable answer. They don't want to take responsibility. My Psychiatrist knows depression, but doesn't know pregnancy (she admitted). My OB knows pregnancy but not depression. And they have conflicting ideas of what to do.
So today I am feeling even worse than yesterday, thanks to my attempts at getting professional help.
DH would rather I quit my job to relieve that stress and do without the drugs - but who is to say that no job equals sane lady? To be honest, all I want to do is go home to nurse Mommy, curl up in bed, watch daytime tv, and spend the afternoons playing with the most therapeutic Standard Poodles in the world. But I guess that's not what a pregnant 26 year old married woman is supposed to do. That's why life sucks sometimes. Plus I'd miss autumn in a place that actually has it. And isn't it silly that after all of this, that is what ultimately keeps me here? Leaves changing colors.
Maybe we should move back to England where DH will definitely be happy, healthcare is free (albeit a little dodgy by American healthcare standards but I heard they give pregnant ladies in labor a bath before giving labor, doesn't that sound nice?), and baby will have a handwritten birth certificate, which is just darn cute.
And thus you have seen the mind of a certified crazy lady. I hope you enjoyed it.
I went in with infinite knowledge of Pregnancy and Antidepressants from my own research and talking to my OB and Doctor about it (who think it would be fine to take one of the drugs considered safer than the rest). We spoke a little bit and the first thing my Psychiatrist told me was to quit my job, or take a break for six months to a year, for the health of the baby and my own emotional health.
So my fears have been confirmed. I am too crazy to keep this job right now. While I welcome to opportunity to not deal with this stress and work on my own emotional health which I hope would help my husband as well (who would probably benefit from seeing me slightly happier), it is my job that provides the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave (albeit paid at 60% only) and my health insurance.
We'll get back to that later, meanwhile, I'm busy trying to convince the psychiatrist that life without the antidepressants has been just impossible. The more I speak to her, the more she realizes that I should be on at least something, so she agrees. However, she has to scare me first.
Liability and all. She's just trying to avoid malpractice.
So she spends the rest of my appointment warning me about taking antidepressants while pregnant. Sure there is a tiny, tiny, miniscule chance that anything would happen to my baby - but what if that happened to my baby? Am I ready for that risk? Is my husband ready for that risk?
Immediately I feel my blood pressure rising and my headache from crying just throbs even more. No longer am I confident about all the studies that I have read and what my OB doctor told me. Now I'm worried, will I ruin my child's life by delivering a down's syndrome child just because I didn't want to spend the pregnancy in the depths of despair and possibly in the path of self-harm? How selfish can I be????
Why is motherhood so damn difficult? 11 weeks of being a mother and I'm already ready to commit myself in an institution. No wonder my sisters and I thought we were driving our mother into a straight-jacket - we were working on that from the womb without even trying. We should just be amazed right now at how sane our mother sometimes seems to be.
After visiting w/the psychiatrist, I had another breakdown on the way to work from her office in speaking to my husband - who although tries his damndest to understand chemical imbalances and depression, still tries to cure everything with a kiss and telling me just how illogical it is to think the way the depressed-me feels. Poor flower just doesn't understand it, and he's not the only one - but his mouth sure gets him into a heap of trouble when he thinks he understands. It all ended with more crying, and a frappuccino from Starbucks (my new crack), and us discussing me waiting until two more weeks to begin taking the meds (Zoloft 100mg) that the psychiatrist described.
I've wasted most of my day at work doing more research on Zoloft and pregnancy, and can't find a happy medium with what I've read. About 95% of reports and studies and articles from Doctors that I have read, say that Zoloft is perfectly fine - the problem is that it has only been around since 1992, so they don't know the long-term effects, but that in comparison to the rest of the antidepressants, Zoloft is one of the safest. There have been some negative findings in studies done on animals who are fed 10 times the adult dosage and their offspring, but it is still minimal, and the human studies have not shown any negative effects - yet. The other 5% are the wishy-washy kind that just say not enough studies have been done.
So what to do - risk my job, marriage, and the ability to not do self-harm to not have that tiny risk to the baby -- or have that tiny risk to the baby? No doctor is going to give me a non-liable answer. They don't want to take responsibility. My Psychiatrist knows depression, but doesn't know pregnancy (she admitted). My OB knows pregnancy but not depression. And they have conflicting ideas of what to do.
So today I am feeling even worse than yesterday, thanks to my attempts at getting professional help.
DH would rather I quit my job to relieve that stress and do without the drugs - but who is to say that no job equals sane lady? To be honest, all I want to do is go home to nurse Mommy, curl up in bed, watch daytime tv, and spend the afternoons playing with the most therapeutic Standard Poodles in the world. But I guess that's not what a pregnant 26 year old married woman is supposed to do. That's why life sucks sometimes. Plus I'd miss autumn in a place that actually has it. And isn't it silly that after all of this, that is what ultimately keeps me here? Leaves changing colors.
Maybe we should move back to England where DH will definitely be happy, healthcare is free (albeit a little dodgy by American healthcare standards but I heard they give pregnant ladies in labor a bath before giving labor, doesn't that sound nice?), and baby will have a handwritten birth certificate, which is just darn cute.
And thus you have seen the mind of a certified crazy lady. I hope you enjoyed it.
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