It should be against the law to force depressed crazies (i.e., me) to make their own appointments with a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist.

First of all, it takes everything we have, just to ask our general doctor for help. Normally while we're in the depths of depression, we don't feel that we're worth a doctor's time to worry about something so stupid as us crying over someone cutting us off in traffic, or not knowing what to cook for dinner. When we've come to the point to ask our doctor for help, there isn't anymore courage and strength to admit defeat, in the bank. We can't tell another doctor. We need the first one to have his nurse make the appropriate appointments and just tell us when to show up.

My doc didn't do this. They gave me a phone number. No names, nothing. Just a phone number.

I called, b/c I'm to the point where it's either lose my job, friendships and marriage; or have no pride at all and admit self-defeat. I'm crazy and I need help dammit. So I called the phone number, found out it's to a psychiatrist, who isn't accepting any new patients. Luckily the nice receptionist lady gave me phone numbers of other psychs in the area. How nice.

So I borrowed courage from somewhere, and called another number. This lady should be fired. When your job is scheduling patients for a psychiatrist whose speciality is depression, you should not handle phone calls this way:

"My doctor referred me to Dr. ____ to schedule an appointment."

"Well, they're gone on vacation until the 7th."

Silence

"Um, okay, can I schedule an appointment for after the 7th then?"

Silence

"Sure"

Click.

The Bitch hung up on me. YOU DON'T HANG UP ON CRAZY PEOPLE ASKING FOR HELP!

I fell into a heap of tears and frustration, called my mommy who wouldn't schedule an appointment for me, and I sat at my desk trying to compose myself for about half an hour.

It's day 2 and I've yet to try to schedule an appointment. First, I asked my doc for a referral to a psychologist. Someone I could talk to. He had his nurse call me with the number to a psychiatrist, someone who has no time to talk (from what I hear about psychias), and who isn't accepting new patients. Now I have a list of psychs from my insurance company and most of them are men from East India... is that someone who I think can relate to me and help me and make me feel comfortable? No. I want an overweight baseball loving woman who falls to the smell of a Krispy Kreme donut every now and then. That's who I want to help me.

I've given up. Screw it. I'm waiting until my doctor's appointment on Friday, and I'll cry and turn myself into a ball of useless teary hopelessness at his feet until they make me a DAMN APPOINTMENT WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP CRAZY PEOPLE LIKE ME.

In the meantime, I have the most wonderful, supportive, and caring husband that anybody could ask for. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't know how to handle it, but he's there with kisses, hugs and I try to help him by telling him in the moments that I feel happy, "This makes me happy," so that he'll know he's helping me. I don't know how I'll make it through the next five days when he's working until 11pm.

I don't think this depression crap is ever going to end.

Had another mini breakdown yesterday and had to miss out on DH's evening church concert. B/c I wasn't there, he had to tell people why since he's honest, and so I have church people passing him their phone numbers in case I ever want to call. Boy that's an invitation nobody wants you to accept. "Hi, it's me, the crazy depressed woman. I'm just going to whine and cry to you and reject any sort of support you tell me for the next half hour. Thanks."

No thank you. Although it's nice to see them being supportive. I think DH needs more support than I do, however. He probably didn't bargain for the crazy institutionally insane wife, and has to learn quickly how to adapt to situations where this may happen,

"What do you want for dinner?"
(bawling eyes out) "I don't knoooowwwwwwww" (more wails)

Five minutes later things are back to normal and I cook dinner for him.

Asked doc to call in a referral to a psychologist (Mother told me not to see a Psychiatrist b/c she's afraid he'll go all Freudian on me and have me blame my mother for everything), and am waiting for the call back from his nurse.

One thing I learned is that I completely cannot function at work while in my nutso state (ie between meds). It's better if I just stay home and I'd feel better then too, but according to my boss I'd be "terminated" if I stayed home too long for "unnescessary reasons". I'm also PMSing, and have a meeting with her in half an hour to discuss my goals of my performance during the next year. I think it's the perfect time to unleash my beast and SNAP whenever I damn well please.

The worst cramps I've ever had in years have just kicked in and I have no pain meds.

We'll see what happens.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Dear old Dad is 62 today, all he wanted was a big LSU flag since the others have faded in the sun. It's so easy to please him. We're makin' chicken wings and other redneck crap for the day. DH and I baked a cake for him.

Since I'm too busy/bored to blog, thought I'd share with you one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time. I'm shocked to see that I didn't write it myself since I always seem to have the problem this writer has. Check it out.

Nature and Big Meals don't mix - By the Pissed Kitty

New Beginnings

After another depression breakdown last night, I made a decision - I'm going to grad school and I'm doing it soon - dammit.

I'll just have to owe money for the rest of my life, but I'm getting that education and ability to be a student for at least 2 more years. Let's cross our fingers and hope that Sallie Mae will still be nice to me and give me loans.

The problem is...what degree shall I go for - and what school? Well after reading that LSU will reimburse 100% of tuition to its graduate assistantships starting in Fall of 2005, I think my mind is made up about the school...granted they have the program I want. And they do...it's really granted on if they accept me.

There are so many choices though... and what the heck is a Master's of Liberal Arts? What can you do with that? It's probably exactly what I want to do - just take liberal arts classes for two more years... but it will have the same result as my BA did - not a single job opportunity. I dunno. Anyone have any advice?

There's also the Master's of Public Administration - which is good in case I'd like to stick w/working for the govt, which I do enjoy (the benefits! woohoo!)...and there's always a chance in the end of being picked for some sort of Federal govt job program if you're really good. LSU offers this, which is good...but is it really what I want to study?

My dream Master's Degree - Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Writing - won't get me a job either, but that's exactly how I want to spend two more years of my life. Why wasn't I just an English major huh? I won those short fiction contests in college beating out the English majors...but my grammar sucketh and all that reading cut into my playtime and naptime. Another problem with this is that I doubt I'll be accepted into LSU's program...it's really difficult to do believe it or not.

Then there's the stick-with-my-major plan. Master's in Mass Communication, studying Public Relations and Corporate Communication and Marketing, like I did for my BA. Problem is, although that was my major, I sucked at it. The only C's I ever got in college were in my major. I try to console myself saying that those professors were notorious in that college as being the most difficult...but really, who am I kidding? All that reading just cut into my naptime, and it required reading with two dictionaries at the same time.

Next is the Master's in Higher Education. This is for those weirdos who think all they want to do is work for a college or University. And I'm one of those weirdos. I dunno what it is, but I wouldn't mind being a Registrar for a college, or work in Institutional Research like my student internship mentor did. What happened to me? This one isn't offered at LSU, or even a college IN Louisiana. I'd have to go pay out of state fees somewhere. Bah. But one college that does offer it is Western Washington University, in Bellingham, WA where my brother lives. That's a huge ass perk. I love my brother, and even though we never even met each other until 3 years ago, (besides a three day visit 15 years ago when we were too young to like each other) I feel a big connection with him and if it weren't for the age difference and different mothers, I'd think we were twins. Plus...have you SEEN that part of WA? It's gorgeous.

I dunno what's next. There's also the thought of studying to be a Spanish teacher, since I know the Spanish stuff...but damn, kids walk all over me. I don't know if I could do that.

What to do, what to do...

I just have to share this.

It was in the classifieds today:

Bob Had A Great Career! Bob Missed Work Too Often. Now Interviewing for Bob's Position. Call 368-0047, 9-5, Sun-Tues, ask for Lee.

Eh

Just not doing well right now. I wish I had something incredibly interesting or silly to tell you, but I got nuthin'. Been feeling really down lately, especially because of money, and found myself curled up in my mother's bed crying into one dog's fur as the other one licked my socks. Poodle fur really can dry the tears quickly.

Also need to learn how to balance the checkbook a little better. I think the problem is that DH spends the money while I'm at work and I don't count that b/c I don't know about it. Then money I spend isn't taken out of my account until 3 weeks later (grrrr, Mary Kay!) and then I'm in deep doo-doo. Like now. Boy my bank probably hates me.

I'm in a little "Let's-see-who-is-the-most-stubborn" contest with boss right now. The light to both of our offices is on the same switch, and that switch is in her office. She never turns it on in the morning, and I think it's b/c she can keep tabs on me when I come in to turn it on. She'll know what time I get in then. This morning I decided not to bother, and use the sunlight from the windows (got some big windows). Boss hasn't touched the light either. It's been 5 hours and counting, and neither of us have touched the light. We'll see how long this lasts.

Still nothing from Virginia, but I noticed a major mistake on my resume. Stupid me put "Qualifictions rather than Qualifications." No wonder I haven't received any calls. I'm going to break down and apply for jobs in Baton Rouge.

What I'd really wish to do is quit my job while DH works, so that I can search actively IN Virginia, and have both of the two week vacation in Florida... but that's just too irresponsible even for me...sigh. Dammit.

Church Ladies Night Out

Last night was the Episcopal church women's group night out, that we do every three months in lieu of the usual monthly bible study meeting. We met at Olive Garden, which managed to draw in about 10 extra women then we normally get for these meetings, and although the wine wasn't bountiful...the margaritas were. And champagne.

Even though the woman closest in age to me is still 15 years older, I always have so much fun on these ladies' nights out. They all get together, drink and make me giggle all night w/their gossip, talking trash about men and their teenage or twenty-something year old children. The first night I met up with them, they were in the midst of talking about their 18 year olds when all of a sudden everyone got quiet and started looking at me. The "leader" of the pack looked down across the table at me and said, "Just how old are you?" "Twenty-four," I replied, and then the place just wouldn't shut up with comments like, "I could have sworn she was 17 or 18! I was wondering what she was doing here! I didn't know we had women that young at our church!"

A few bottles of wine, and a rendition of "I feel like a woman," later, I was a part of the group and everyone seemed to forget the enormous age difference between us. Now I just can't miss a ladies' night out, because 1) You never know when they need a designated driver, and 2) They're my only group of "girlfriends" I have in town.

Last night was pretty fun, but the best ladies' night out was about six months ago. They all went to "The Melting Pot" which involves a lot of fondues, drinks, and candlelight. They emptied so many bottles of wine, that by the end of the night they were trying to decide who was sober enough to drive everybody home and someone was looking for their cellphone to call the Vicar/Priest to see if he could bring a van over to pick everybody up. The manager of the restaurant came over and said, "Now you said you were a church group? Which church?" To which everybody replied in Unison, "Parkview Baptist!" which is Jimmy Swaggart's local church here in town where all the southern non-drinkin' Baptist folk attend.

Gosh, I love ladies' night out. And I also learned something last night. All of the older church women are just so infatuated and charmed by my English gentleman husband. They just wanted to talk about him all night, which makes me wonder just how much do they think about him? I'm not sure I want to know in what context either. Not after listening to the stories I heard them tell one night when a regular bible study turned into a "sexual confessions" night.

I wonder if we ever have a meeting where alcohol isn't involved?

Today's News:

Can't be arsed to write anything today, so you get news of a Bear who could be related to me:

Black Bear Guzzles 36 Beers and passes out

HumpDay

I'm really sorry that I'm just posting such crap for you to read. I'm probably losing all (both) of my readers. DH already quit getting into the habit of reading this daily, maybe now I can talk about him.

He's in training for his new job (selling insurance) and was out until 11:30pm with another agent at an appointment selling to a lonely old woman. On the other side of town. Since we share a car, I had to go pick him up at a designated meeting point from the other agent. I was too tired to be upset, but I was upset. He didn't have to go on that last appointment, he doesn't even have his license to sell yet, and he called at 9pm saying he was finished with one appt and on his way to another...if you're a wife and your husband calls you and says that someone actually wants insurance agents over at her house to sell her something at 9pm in Baton Rouge - town of serial killers...and the other insurance agent is a very gorgeous blond lady who just loves that english accent...what would you think?

Of course I know my DH and he's not the scuzzy male species that other men are...but it's still frustrating when those thoughts cross your mind. Anyway, we got to bed after midnight and I set the alarm clock for PM instead of AM so we were late this morning, and I've had four panic attacks this week. Plus a migraine today. And a bloody nose. Money-related stress just isn't fun, is it? I'm learning new and creative recipes with a $.30 bag of pasta though.

My alma mater sent me a card saying they received my resume and are going to review resumes and call who they're interested in. I really want that job. I really want any job NOT in Louisiana. I've got to get out of here.

Completely stuck on the Olympics this week. I just can't tear myself away. Even if it's Korea and Costa Rica boxing or Interpretive Dance of Antarctica. I'm obsessed.

I especially love the gymnastics, I just can't believe it's been four years since I was in college watching the Hamms and Blaine Wilson from my dorm room with a gaggle of other girls. Where'd the time go?

Speaking of time, I better finish the lunch break quickly, I can hear boss's footsteps.

Can I get any more boring?

Lost the entire weekend as boss managed to get me here at 8am on Saturday and work 8 more hours helping her clean out file cabinets, desk, and other messed up things. The result is that her office looks messier, my office is now filled to the ceiling with piles of paper I get to play with, and I feel like I lost my entire weekend. Of course Sunday I had to spend recouping after such a horrid saturday with the boss. She was unusually nice to me, but still...it's boss and it's on a Saturday. She also brought up the "can't your mother end her vacation a day early" thing again. I told her that answer is a firm No. so she asked me to ask my sister. Grrrrrrrr.

I am however very very excited about the Olympics. It's probably one of the few sources of my American pride. We're big enough to get some good athletes that aren't fat lazy bums like the rest of us, and there isn't any nasty politics whatsoever to divert my attention. My favorites are swimming and gymnastics. I'm actually thinking about skipping a meeting tonight just so I can see the men's final. I have to stop myself from perusing various news websites so that I won't know the result until I watch it tonight...even if I have to record it and watch it until the wee hours of the morning. I'm that obsessed.

Speaking of gymnastics. Who else wanted to just pinch the cheeks of each and every one of those china women gymnasts? They're all so adorable, and look 10 years younger than they actually are. So cute.

No word from ANY job that I applied to in Virginia except one which already hired. I suspect that's my sign from God. I'm here to stay in Louisiana....dammit. I cant say that I'm happy with it, but who can argue with the big guy? It's his will, and the easier it is for me to get the message, the less he'll have to do to get my attention. Now I just wish he'd give me a mourning kit to deal with it. It's not quite a self-esteem boost when you've applied for so many positions and receive not one phone call. Right now I'm just pretending it's because I'm not in Virginia and they don't want no nasty Louisianan. I don't blame them.

Back to work. I get by during the day by writing imaginary resignation letters in my head.

Insert Clever Title Here


Doctor's appointment went well. He gave me new meds, 5 weeks of free samples, and a promise for a date in a month (ok, just another appointment). He's a bit odd though. I could hear him joking in the hallway and being extremely flirtatious (he's got some hot skinny nurses) and as soon as he enters the exam room, is stern and cold. Completely different person. Then he left the room to get the samples, and immediately I heard him flirt w/a nurse again and joke with her...then comes back as boring-mean-doctor-man. I wonder if I was a hot skinny woman if that would change things...or would I have to wear the nurses outfit? I don't think DH would mind if I wore the outfit, but it sure would look funny wearing that to my social work office.

Having trouble again with the boss. She's so Jekyll and Hyde, I just don't get it. Yesterday I reviewed some documents and realized some mistakes I made when doing some data-entry. I thought she'd blow up at me about it, but she didn't say a word other than sign the forms needed to fix the errors. Then, when I asked her about my upcoming vacation... I'll just let you see for yourself:

Background: When she hired me I told her about needing to take time off for a family wedding in England (in-laws). That was cancelled, so instead we're meeting in Florida in September. Boss said there's no way she'll let me go for the pre-approved time (two weeks) but maybe one week. Since DH will be there for two weeks (it's his family, and it's already booked) I won't have a car to 1) get to work and 2) drive there and back for only one week. But my parents decided to join us and they're going for a week...and a day. Because that's the time my mom's employer gave her. I told her about it, she sent this email back to me:

I had understood you would only be taking a week off. Does your Mom plan to come back in time to have a day at home before she returns to work? As I calculate it, that would be a Monday morning payroll close-out so it would be good if you could be here. What do you think?

About the payroll bit - I have a person who is my backup just for this reason - so I can miss work every now and then without the world falling apart. Anyway...

Well... what do you think? Is it normal to ask my mother to come back a day early from her vacation just to appease my boss or is my boss just a wee bit controlling?

Doctor Who?

No can write. Doctor's appointment today. Gonna try hard to convince him that I need new crazy-person meds. We'll see how that goes.

I think I'll also try a new technique when the nurse weighs me before I go in the exam room. While she's moving all of the weights over to the right, I'll just ask her to skip all that and go ahead and write down, FAT. It would save her a lot of time. See you tomorrow.

You just had to be there

Had a steak dinner at the neighbors last night, with steamed broccoli and cauliflower, which made me just a tad gaseous for the rest of the evening. Couldn't get to sleep last night from fits of giggling at DH who spent most of the night holding his nose and talking through it, making those "Zmmmrphhhz" sounds as he talked in a high-pitched nasaly voice. Most of our bedtime conversation consisted of:

"It doesn't stink! You just farted too! Now THAT stinks!"
"zzzmmrrrphhh does Not! ZZzzmmmmrrph like roses!"
"Stinky roses!"
"Zzzmmmrrrrph like roses! Yours zzmmmrrrph like shit"
"Yours are like roses in shit! Shitty roses! Roses with manuer!"
"ZZzmmmrrrph gonna die from methane poisoning zmmmrrrph!"

Yeah, I guess you just had to be there.

Buddy in his new playground. 

Schatzie enjoying the newly fenced in yard (thanks DH and Dad who built it themselves). 

DH trying to convince me that this should be his new facial hair look. (I let him have it for a day). 

Schatzie checking on toys drying out in the sun. She checks them everytime she goes outside, to see if they're 'okay'. 

The Brats, Schatzie (cream) and Buddy 

All of our cats minus three, at suppertime. Left to Right on top, Beaux, Phil, Dingy Bob(orange at back without tail), Max, Charlie, Ginger (bottom), Sweetie 

Sister's Cat Cleo, catnipped out 

Free lunch day

One of the secretaries won our division a free lunch from a local radio station. She entered a drawing two years ago, the radio station pulls businesses out of a hat every Friday and treats them to fajitas and drinks (soft drinks, sigh) from a popular and yummy Mexican restaurant nearby.

Food always brings our division together. I have also learned that it is the best way to bribe my division to finish a report on time - if I cook them breakfast for accomplishing a deadline. It's the only time at lunch where I can sit with people I work with and I won't hear gossip about other people I work with - because they're all there. Instead, they gossip about people who have come and gone, most of them retired after their 50 years of civil service (or so it seems). Every time we get together around our huge conference room table and stuff our mouths, I hear so many stories of crazy people, schizos, and mentally unstable folks who used to work here in State office. It makes me think. Although you have to pass certain civil service exams to work for the state, you have a better chance of being hired if you're just a bit nutso. I suppose that says something about me, which really explains why they hired me in the first place. I entered as a temporary worker until they filled this position, but they saw I was a little off-centered in the brain and decided, "We must keep her!" Perhaps it was walking around in my socks, singing to myself or the time I named my paperclips. Who can tell.

As I was writing this blog, someone from the "Peer Support and Care Team" came in to welcome me to the office. I just had my sixth month review yesterday, they're a bit late. But I do enjoy my pink balloon (ready for me to blow up at any given moment), bookmark and free clicky pen. I must go and play with my new toys. If they hired me b/c I'm a crazy person, I mustn't let them down and start acting normal anytime soon!

Review Day

I got my Prior Performance Review from boss today. It's good and bad, good in that she recommended me for a pay raise (a very slight one). She was very critical of me, most of it though was down to me not being trained properly enough, but she held against me that I didn't ask enough questions. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong, which is why I didn't ask questions.

What really really REALLY bothers me, is that months ago I was helping another unit with their deadlines. Boss wanted me to do something so I did, but I told her I was also helping this unit. She went to the supervisor of that unit and they said they hadn't given me anything to do for weeks. I just can't believe it. I wouldn't have lied to my boss. I remember having those stacks of attorney fee requests on my desk and working on them for ages. I just am baffled, as my boss is, because I'm telling her one thing and another supervisor who is her friend and she trusts, is telling her another. The supervisor mentioned it in a meeting (my boss wanting them not to give me the stuff anymore) and someone in that meeting said they hadn't given me the stuff for weeks. I just don't know what to do. I'm sure my boss believes this supervisor, who believes whoever told her...but I know that I would not have lied to my boss about it, and I remember that at the time I told my boss I had AFRFs to do, I had stacks of them on my desk. I just don't get it. Boss said she doesn't get it either and is just trying to ignore it because it baffles her.

Sigh. So anyway the review makes me feel like my best isn't good enough. Which means I'm just crap at this. And if I'm crap at this, then there's no way I'll succeed in a non-clerical job in another State. There's no way. I'm hopeless. Hopefiretruckinless.

She also acts like she isn't going to give me my vacation, even though I have accrued enough vacation time. This is the replacement vacation for the time I had told her I needed off before I was hired, to go to the now cancelled wedding in England. I told her about me having problems to get to work when Pete is there. It's like she thinks I am making it up so I can have two weeks. She said I couldn't just call in sick that day b/c I don't have a ride to work. Well duh, who does she think I am? Big frickin' shittin' sigh. Shit I cussed. So sorry.

I got a payraise, no idea what it will be though. Paperwork isn't done on that. So we'll see. This doesn't change my want to move to Virginia, but it does change my daydreams about it. If I can't do this job properly, then I can't do another one properly. Oh well.

I'm Ash.

I'm Ash. and I'm a survivor too. No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

This livejournal entry of another survivor sparked this, and I recommend you read it because everything she says is what I want to say here. Every single word. It amazes me just how many survivors there are among women. I don't believe the 1 in 5 statistic, I believe the 1 in 2 statistic.

And I think none of us should be silent about it.

No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

Am I this nerdy?

I thought I hated my college during sophomore and senior years. I loved it junior year b/c they sent me to England where I partied hard, studied a little bit and met my husband...but when I returned to the suffocating small town and closed-in campus for senior year after my world travels, I couldn't stand it. I thought that alumni who returned to work at the college were plain nuts. Who would want to do that, and spend their lives in that tiny town again? We were studying to be world movers and shakers, even the latest alumni bulletin had an article about how they're training to "change the world."

And I'm a secretary. With bad shoes and a giant paperclip collection. I've even managed to become fascinated with office products, such as the white out tape that comes on dry and looks neat when applied. I can't change the world with wite-out and a paperclip.

I realized today just how desperate I am to get out of this job, and this state, when I saw myself apply for a job as a financial aid counselor at my alma mater. I'm actually asking to live in that small Virginia town again and face the professors that I swore I would never have to speak to after graduation. I can see them nodding their heads and smirking now, "Oh that's Ashley, I knew she'd never make it. She was in that class with Julie, the girl who has a PhD in Rhetorical Criticism and who writes for the New Republic." I'm actually asking to go back and face those monsters I had left behind and run from 3 years ago.

A week ago I was tearing my hair out thinking how awful it would be to return to my college for reunion next year...and now I'm applying for a job there.

I've gotta think positive. They won't even glance twice at my resume.

Dry Blogging

No earthly idea what to put today that would be remotely interesting. I managed to get into work a few minutes before boss did, so when she came around the corner to gloat and see that I'm not at my desk at 8am, I was there to smile right back at her with a chirpy "good mornin'!"

Her mood has been sour ever since.

Needin'ToGloatBitch.

I spent most of last night printing, signing and stuffing VA applications in envelopes for DH to mail out today. I've realized that a 6 page state application for 20 jobs is too much paper. So I might accidentally copy my application while copying some stuff for the boss today. Perhaps that can be the pay for all the overtime I've put in that boss didn't allow me to put on my time sheet.

"We just can't waste the taxpayers' money."

Bitch.


Also found this old template on my computer. Of course I didn't save the really good one that &$#$*%& blogger lost. I may have saved it somewhere else. Until then, you'll have to put up with this one. I might add pictures later, but I was getting sick of that stinky tart on the webpage anyway.

I've got to get a job in Virginia. Somebody will want to hire me...right? If they don't, will I be able to swallow my over-priced degree holding pride and wait tables instead? And lose the health insurance and paid leave benefits? Just to get out of Louisiana, move my husband to make him happier, and not work for the Bitch?

Damn right. Bring it on.